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8/28/12

by @ Tuesday, August 28th, 2012. Filed under Life

Complete and utter randomness (sorry I haven’t been posting, I suck, etc. etc.)

Fred and I went to Lacon Trade Day last Saturday. Lacon Trade Day is basically an outdoor flea market where they sell all manner of things. If you can think of it, they probably sell it there – especially if you’re looking for something like used t-shirts from the ’80s or rusted farm implements, canned goods, dented box food, the occasional produce. It’s kind of a crapfest, to be honest, and we rarely spend more than a couple of dollars. But it’s a place to go and spend some time, gets us out of the house, and I like the drive home. We usually drive there via the interstate and then drive home up a highway that meanders a bit.

We always start at the front of the flea market and work our way toward the back. The back is generally where the interesting stuff – chickens, turkeys, occasionally goats and pigs – is. Back when we were starting out and had our original 12 hens, we got our very first rooster, McLovin’, at Lacon.

So this time we were there about 45 minutes, and we decided to stop in Decatur on our way home to pick up subs for lunch. We were driving toward Firehouse Subs, when I noticed a small airplane towing a banner. I squinted up at it, trying to read what it said.

“Hey, there’s an airplane towing a banner,” Fred pointed out.

“Yeah, I see,” I said.

“What does it say?” he asked.

“I can’t tell.”

Fred drove, occasionally squinting up at the sign, and I kept trying to figure out the words.

“I see ‘Kyle’,” Fred said.

“Yeah… Visit? ‘Visit Kyle 4?” I said.

We squinted some more.

“‘Visit Kyle for…. Water,'” I finally declared. “Today!”

“Where are we supposed to visit Kyle for water? And why does it have to be today? Is this a one-time thing?” Fred pondered.

“That’s a bad sign,” I said. “It doesn’t even say where to find Kyle!”

“Bad advertising,” Fred agreed.

And just then the plane swooped closer.

“‘VOTE KYLE 4 MAYOR’,” Fred said. “‘TUESDAY’!”

That made a lot more sense but, y’know? I think I liked ours better.

After we’d picked up our subs and were headed home, we actually passed a small group of men waving “Kyle for Mayor” signs. Fred wouldn’t stop so I could say “WHERE’S MY GODDAMN WATER, KYLE?!” He’s no fun.

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Over at Dinosaurs Can’t Eat Pizza, Nance and I have been making all kinds of stuff. Banana Split Icebox Cake! Steel Cut Oatmeal in the Crock Pot! Blueberry Cream Cheese Hand Pies! And mooooooore!

Go check it out if you haven’t in a while.

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Pro tip: If you walk by a cat toy 3,000 times in the course of a day, and every time you pass by, a little voice in your head says “That REALLY looks like a dead mouse. For serious.” and another little voice says “Yeah, but remember that one toy? It always makes us think it’s a dead mouse. Why would a dead mouse be under the dining room table? It’s just that toy.” If that happens? Then I recommend you stop and actually directly look at the goddamn thing.

Because it’s a fucking mouse, and it’s been sitting there ALL DAY LONG.

What made this particularly horrifying is that when I was scooping litter boxes in the morning (around 7), I looked down and said “Huh. That looks like a Navy Bean. What’s a Navy Bean doing here on the rug in the front room? And why is it attached to something long and grody looking?” I picked it up by the long and grody looking thing (don’t judge me) and called Fred over.

“What the holy fuck is this?” I asked.

He examined it. “It’s some sort of organ,” he said. “See the veins?”

I did indeed.

“I think it’s a bird testicle,” he said.

I shuddered, tossed it in the bag of litter box scoopings, and went to wash my hands.

Later, around noon, I went out into the back yard to hang something on the clothes line. There, laying in the middle of the walkway between the back steps and the cement patio, was a pile of what looked very much like small rodent organs that had been ingested and then vomited back up. It was covered in flies.

“UGH. Go out there and scoop that pile of nasty up and toss it out of the back yard!” I demanded.

“I’m not going out there,” Fred said.

Later, I was sitting at my desk, and Fred went out into the back yard. He bent over, examined the pile of nasty, and then

KICKED

IT

INTO

THE

GRASS.

I’m sorry, motherfucker, did I ASK you to nasty up the rest of the back yard? Did I? DID I?

That motherfucker.

But in any case, after all that, it still took me COMPLETELY by surprise to find a little disemboweled mouse under the dining room table.

I love my cats, but sometimes my cats are huge assholes. Sometimes I’d be willing to sell them all for $1.95.

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Previously
2011: No entry.
2010: No entry.
2009: The excitement yesterday morning is that when Fred brought Hjonkie into the kitchen, he first hissed at the kittens (I had no idea that turkeys hissed!), and then he registered his displeasure by shooting out a great big Turkey poop on the floor.
2008: Who knew we’re such cranky motherfuckers?
2007: On my way back home.
2006: And I thought Fucker, at least they don’t leave me to cool my heels for over an hour without bothering to let me know they’re running late.
2005: No entry.
2004: No entry.
2003: These kids need someone to come organize their lives is what they need.
2002: “What the hell?” I said, amazed. How far could the fucking thing have gone?
2001: Gah. I’ve got that unsettling panic-causing “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling, and I don’t know why.
2000: “An E-scort. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of those. I wonder if they’re new.”

8/6/12

by @ Monday, August 6th, 2012. Filed under Life

This weekend, we started watching The Wire. This is, I think, the third time we’ve tried watching it, and though we were unable to get into it before, this time it clicked with us. And we have an entire five seasons to look forward to! I have to have my iPod Touch with me while we’re watching it, though, because we have many instances of “He looks familiar! Who IS that?”, and I look them up on IMDB.

IMDB came in handy when I started wondering if Dominic West (McNulty) was American. I suspected he wasn’t, and wasn’t surprised to find out that he’s British. Not long after I confirmed that (and told Fred), there was a scene where McNulty is awakened by the phone, and when he answered the phone, his “Hello” sounded VERY British.

“He sounded really British just then,” Fred said.

“I know!”

“‘ALLO!” Fred said.

“Pip pip!” I said.

Oh, we crack ourselves up so very much.

I think that when we finish The Wire, we may give Deadwood another try. Both of these shows were highly recommended by Fred’s work friend, Mike, who likes a lot of the same shows that we do.

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This has probably already been answered by you, but I can’t find it. We have way too much summer squash in our garden (what were we thinking with six plants???) I love it, but no way we can eat enough to keep up, and our neighbors are starting to hide when they see us coming … my co-workers cringe at the sight of yet another basket of “free” squash. So – we bit the bullet and today bought a Foodsaver vacuum sealing machine. I’ve never used one before, and have no idea the best way to preserve it. We have patty-pan, crook neck, round zucchini, and some other darker round summer squash. Any advice?

I would shred the zucchini and freeze it like this, and then you can use it for all kinds of things – zucchini bread, zucchini tots, zucchini muffins, toss it in stews or soups or spaghetti sauce. I actually feel like we didn’t get enough zucchini this year – it’s so versatile (and so much less seedy than other squashes) that it’s my favorite.

With the other kinds of squash, I preserve them in the following ways:

1. Cut them up and make Oven-Fried Summer Squash, only instead of baking them for the entire 20 minutes, just bake them for 10 minutes, then flash freeze them (I usually just let them cool, on the pan, and then stick the whole pan in the freezer) and put them in a big plastic freezer ziplock bag. To eat, bake the (frozen) squash at 425 for 10 minutes, flip, and then bake another 5. (You could also just prepare the squash like you were going to bake it, and then put it, unbaked (and flash frozen) into a big plastic bag, but I think it holds together better if it’s been partially baked first.)

2. Cut up the squash and boil it until it’s fork-tender. Drain for about 10 minutes in a colander, and then put the boiled chunks into a Foodsaver bag and seal (I usually put the squash in the Foodsaver bags, stick them in the freezer for the day and then seal them, because you can drain squash forever, and it’s still going to put off a ton of water.) Then to eat the squash, I either heat it and then mash it, add salt and pepper and butter, and serve. Or you can just heat the chunks and eat it like that. ALSO, you could use it to make Baked Squash. I’ve also mashed the squash before I froze it, to make it easier to serve mashed squash or to make the baked squash.

3. Slice the squash in 1/4″ slices, sprinkle with salt and pepper and maybe a little parmesan, and then bake for 10 minutes at 425ºF. Let it cool, freeze it, and put it in a big plastic bag. I use these slices of squash in casseroles, as if they were noodles, like such. That recipe uses freshly roasted summer squash – I’d stick the frozen roasted summer squash in a 425 oven for 10 minutes each side, then use as if they were fresh.

That’s what I do with my squash – if anyone has more suggestions, please share!

And on another completely unrelated topic … what did you think of Ann Curry’s last morning on the Today Show?

I actually don’t watch the morning shows, and only knew that Ann Curry was leaving after she’d gone. I understand Matt Lauer was reportedly behind it, part of his contract negotiations that she’d leave the show. I don’t have any real opinions on the topic – know who Ann Curry is, but haven’t watched any morning shows in years.

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Isn’t David Morse only 3 years older than Tom Cruise?

Also, Robyn if you still have a green pond, you can throw some barley in there to clean it up naturally.

I had NO idea that David Morse is only 3 years older than Tom Cruise. Clearly Tom Cruise has sold his soul to the devil to remain looking so young for his age!

We got a bale of barley, and Fred stuffed a bag with it, and tossed it in the pond. I understand it’ll take a few weeks to make a difference, so I’m keeping an eye on it!

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They just ended the blackout of the viacom channels after ten days and a new contract. I was still getting AMC somehow. But hold the phone…there’s a dvr that records FIVE shows at a time? I have the boring 2 show recorder. Hmph. Did u get the whole house dvr set up? I want to do that. I have had very good service from DirecTV. I only lose a signal when the storms get really bad which hasn’t happened often.

There IS a DVR that records five shows at once! It’s not the one you get automatically, and they actually brought us the wrong DVR the first time, requiring that Fred spend more time on the phone to get them to come out and replace the one we had with the 5-show one. I don’t know that we actually NEED to tape 5 shows at once, but it’s nice to have the option!

We only have one TV in the house, so didn’t get the whole-house set up. I wouldn’t mind having a second TV, but there’s a DirecTV app that you can download for your iPad, so once I get my new iPad (which I am currently saving up for), I’m going to install the app and will be able to watch TV in the kitchen while I’m making dinner or whatever. Woohoo!

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Last week my friend said “Hmm, I’m gonna check out Breaking Bad, everyone says it’s sooo good. You should too.”

So I fired up Netflix and now, less than a week later I am on season 4 and already getting the shakes because my Breaking Bad episodes are almost over.

I may or may not have called in to work last Monday to watch more.

Bitch.

Man, is it weird that I wish I’d never seen an episode of Breaking Bad so it could all be new to me?

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Elaine hit the nail on the head, why I can’t stand Tom Cruise as an actor. I never lose the sense of the fact that “here is Tom Cruise, acting” when I watch him. I compare him to someone like Russell Crowe, who I know got a lot of bad press, but is a hell of an actor. I saw him in The Insider and Gladiator in one week, and couldn’t believe it was the same guy. More than just the physical transformation-he just inhabits the characters.

Terrible miscasting for the Reacher film.

Annnnnd now they’re talking about Russell Crowe to play Roland of Gilead. Fred’s having fits.

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I bookmarked this blog post for when I finally get my act together and plant some garlic. I hope it helps!

Thank you! I’ve got my garlic ordered, so I will be planting it in October and hopefully harvesting it next summer!

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I have geezer eyes (tm Jane) and I thought there was two hippie neighbors playing a guitar off to the left side of you in the pool. Turns out it’s an upturned wheelbarrow. heh.

and

Sometimes I just need a real good belly laugh to lift my spirits. You did it for me tonight Libby. I am still chuckling.
Reminds me of the time my sister asked to borrow my Oil of Olay and I said I don’t think it’s a horrible day.

HA.

Also:

At first I thought you were wearing water wings in the pool (ha!), then I figured those blue things must be the ends of a noodle?

2012-06-28 (5)

Yes, those are the ends of a noodle, which I was sitting on.

Also, about the pool: it’s dead. The inflatable top part started deflating, and despite much examination, we couldn’t find where the leak was. We haven’t been swimming in a week, and I miss the damn thing!

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Don’t you have to aerate your pond to keep the water moving around so you don’t attract mosquitoes? (Or other hideous bug creatures. ::shudder:: EWWWWW!!!!)

We have actually had zero issues with mosquitoes this year. I think between the catfish, the bats, and the dragonflies, the mosquitoes are being eaten as soon as (or before!) they hatch.

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I had trouble reading this because I was so anxious about Tommy (even though I saw that you’d found him!).

Did Stinkerbelle notice he was gone, or react in any way when her beloved boy reappeared?

Stinkerbelle didn’t seem to notice that Tommy was gone, but I wonder if she sensed he was in (under) the house, so wasn’t worried about not actually seeing him!

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My first thought was, FRED GOT A BABY DUCK! 😉

There have been NO baby ducks, thank you! 🙂

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I’m not understanding how people give out the wrong email address. I mean, REALLY?? How do you not remember that when you signed up at gmail or wherever that your name was already taken and so you had to add numbers or words to your name to make it unique. I just can’t believe that people are really so dumb, and yet… they ARE.

Last week, I got a notification that “my” resume had been submitted to a company. Further investigation showed that someone had signed up with an online temp agency and gave my email address as their own. I logged in, changed the password, and then changed part of the general description to “I am too stupid to know my own email address. Please don’t hire me.” Probably no one will ever see it, but it made me feel better!

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A couple of weeks ago I got an email about Vacation Bible School for some other Elayne’s daughter, who wanted to bring a friend who wasn’t a member of the church. I replied with my stock, “You have the wrong email address, please contact your intended recipient for his/her correct email information” and thought nothing more of it. Then the other day, I woke up to three or four emails from various people at that same church, including two that had another version of an “elayne” email address (like elayneXYZ@… or elayne99@…). So I googled for instructions on how to spoof the return email address.

Now, I don’t know if I did it right, but if I DID, then a bunch of people that day got an email from “God & Jesus C. Almighty,” saying “We’ve always been pretty big on the ‘love your neighbor’ and ‘don’t antagonize each other’ stuff, and that applies to people on the internet, too. Now: Take three seconds to delete that email address because she’s already told you it’s not the right one, and Elayne? You’d BETTER NOT give that email address out as your own again. You really don’t want to test Me on this one.”

Good thing I’m not a believer, or I’d be nervous that I’d just helped myself to a nice single-bed spot in Hell…

LOVE IT.

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Saw this, thought of you:

funny facebook fails - Man-Spider
see more Failbook

HA!

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Previously
2011: There are five of them, obviously.
2010: Oh, I crack myself UP with that picture.
2009: I like how he thinks he has any choice in the matter.
2008: Meet Michele the chicken!
2007: (Miz Poo, upon seeing me pick up a fly swatter and walk toward her, whines and runs away. Like I beat her spoiled ass on a regular basis! I don’t, but I oughta. She deserves it.)
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.
2004: The morning I wake up and find a cricket in bed with me is the day I start closing the cat door at night, believe you me.
2003: I HAVE THINGS TO DO THAT CANNOT BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH A PORTLY POO IN THE WAY.
2002: No entry.
2001: Yeah, like YOU don’t have a voice in your head that reads things to you…
2000: No entry.

8/1/12

by @ Wednesday, August 1st, 2012. Filed under Life

Yesterday I saw my doctor for my every-six-months checkup. I had my blood drawn the week before, so she went over the test results with me. All the numbers are where they’re supposed to be, my blood pressure was 110/70, I am healthy as a horse. All I needed was another prescription for my thyroid meds, and I was good to go.

If you’re in the Madison area and need a good Primary Care doctor, let me know. I absolutely adore my doctor, I love everyone who works there, I very highly recommend them. Love ’em!

Of course, isn’t it right after you get the “You’re healthy as can be!” diagnosis from your doctor that you have an aneurysm or heart attack or die of some mysterious disease? I’m sure the instant she said that, that a clock started counting down to my demise.

I give it two weeks.

I stopped on the way home to pick up baby food (for the kittens and Spanky). I tend to always buy every jar of Gerber Chicken baby food that they have on the shelf because it’s the sort of thing that I always need to have on hand, and usually they don’t keep that item particularly well stocked. This time around, they must have stocked pretty recently, because there were 30 jars on the shelf.

That’s right, I bought them all.

Then I walked down to the pharmacy section and picked up a box of ear plugs for Fred. We both wear ear plugs at night, but can’t wear the same kind (the ones he likes are too long for my ear canal, and that sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it?). So I tossed the ear plugs in the cart and headed over to check out.

I’d just gotten all the jars of baby food onto the conveyer belt and was putting the box of ear plugs next to them when an elderly lady came up behind me. I was standing there looking at the covers of the tabloids (it’s how I keep abreast of the important news!) when I thought to look over at her to see why she was standing there, unmoving, instead of unloading her groceries.

She was staring at the baby food and the ear plugs. She gave me a Look, then glanced back at the baby food and ear plugs, and gave me another Look.

I can’t imagine what she thought I was going to do, but she clearly didn’t approve. I only wish I’d been buying a case of beer while I was at it. THAT probably would have blown her mind.

(I wish I’d thought to look in a judgmental manner at HER groceries. I could have been all “Mmhmm. I see. You’re buying bread. You’re THAT kind of person, are you? Please stay back.”)

Then I had to endure a long, involved conversation with the bagger, who wanted to know how old my baby was. Then she was surprised that I would give the baby food to kittens because she thought it was for babies. I told her that it was made for human babies but that kittens like it, and she was all kinds of amazed by that.

Why do I have to earnestly answer these questions that strangers ask me? WHY couldn’t I have just said “Two babies. And yes, they adore chicken baby food.” Then probably she would have been all “Are they twins?” and I would have had to stop and consider the likelihood of my wandering out to the grocery store on a whim, because WHO was watching the twins? I bet she would have wanted to know who was babysitting, and then she would have gotten all pushy about how she’s a great baby sitter, and she would have been all “You should go out Friday night and I can babysit!”

Oh, but wait, she couldn’t have babysat the twins – Claude and Chauncey. They’re redheads and big for their age.- Friday night because her Mom is taking her to the beach to go swimming this weekend. (I wish I was kidding about knowing her plans for the weekend, she told me ALL about her beach plans, and excuse me HOW long does it TAKE to ring up 30 goddamn jars of baby food, DAVID THE CASHIER, for fuck’s sake? This is why I try not to leave the house. The chattiness and the mumbling. And why is it that the chattiest people are the worst mumblers? What the FUCK? I just smile and nod and hope I haven’t inadvertently agreed to wear a puffy shirt on the Today Show. For fuck’s sake, people, SPEAK THE FUCK UP.)

The chattiness I could have done without, but when all my groceries were bagged and I was ready to go, she didn’t even act like she was dying to take my groceries out to the car. That’s how I prefer my baggers, personally – the ones who are all “No, really! I’ve got it! Let’s go!” and then zoom off with my fucking cart drive me nuts. It’s bad enough I’ve gotta chitchat with the people inside the store, I need to chitchat all the way out to my car? NO THANK YOU.

Usually if they try to insist, I smile a smile that doesn’t even try to resemble a real smile, and I say “I’m stronger than I look!” and off I go.

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Speaking of being stronger than I look, last time I was at Sam’s, I bought a couple of 40-pound bags of Fresh Step.

(Actually, they might have been 42-pound bags. They did away with the awesomely convenient and handy 40-pound buckets in favor of earth-saving plastic bags, and make it up to the consumer by making them two pounds heavier.)

I’d put the first one in the cart, and was reaching for the second one, when a little old lady who worked there came toddling over.

“Oh my goodness!” she said, all full of concern. “You shouldn’t be lifting that! Let me do it!”

She was like four feet tall and frail. I could have broken her in half if I’d laughed too hard in her direction. In retrospect, I wish I’d let her do it, because I’m curious as to whether she would have been able to. Instead I just smiled, said “I’m stronger than I look!” and grabbed the second bag.

Hmm. Maybe SHE is ALSO stronger than she looks! I hadn’t considered that ’til now.

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Some time ago, I got really into listening to Bob & Sheri on the radio in the morning. It’s a syndicated show, and Fred started listening to it on the way to work. He talked about it so often that I started listening to it in the mornings when I was taking a shower. Eventually, I started downloading the podcasts and listening to it when I was doing chores and working in the garden, because I always felt like I was missing something – they’d do a “Blah blah blah something interesting something you wanna hear – coming up in 30 minutes!” teaser, but HELLO. I’ve got shit to DO, I can’t be cooling my heels waiting to hear what you’ve got to tell me, even though it DOES sound really interesting. (The bonus is that when listening to the podcasts, you don’t have to listen to that pesky “music”, just the talk-show part of the show.)

I continued to listen to them when I was showering and getting ready in the morning, because I really like the show.

And then.

AND THEN.

The radio station stopped carrying Bob and Sheri. THE FRICKIN’ NERVE of them. They’ve replaced them with a (I’m sure much less expensive) local team that I absolutely cannot stand. The woman of the team has been on this station for years, and Fred loathes her. She laughs and laughs and laughs at every innocuous, unfunny thing her morning show partner says – this is not her first “morning team” situation, she’s been part of other morning teams, as well as on her own – and I really can’t stand it.

(Fred’s sure she’s either related to or sleeping with someone who has final say about the deejays at that station.)

So now my morning showers are without joy. I can still listen to Bob and Sheri via the podcasts, but I don’t listen to the iPod in the shower (I could get speakers for the iPod, but eh. I don’t wanna.) and I don’t much care for any of the other morning teams on the local stations. I can stand whozits on WZYP (Mojo, I think?), but I prefer to listen to nothing at all.

Fucking program managers – or whoever the hell is responsible for that kind of decision-making. I used to listen to Ace and TJ several years ago, but they all of a damn sudden stopped carrying them, too.

Fucking fuckers.

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PS: I know I’ve been sucking at responding to comments. I’m going to have a big comment-answering post on Friday. Possibly Monday. One or the other!

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Previously
2011: “Sweet pickled Jesus is it hot out there!”
2010: No entry.
2009: No entry.
2008: We’re fun like that.
2007: Did the Zodiac Killer curse them with doughy bodies, was that the unspoken conspiracy?
2006: No entry.
2005: Debbie: “Oh, right. I used to boil Brian’s nipples when he was a baby.”
2004: Hawaii.
2003: No entry.
2002: Y’know, I have way too much fun making fun of that man.
2001: Excuse me, he’s known about this closing for well over a month and still can’t manage to be on time? How self-important can you be?
2000: Fucking every time I drive through Pennsylvania it fucking pours down rain.

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