Category: Life

Skeleton Crew on audiotape (one from his father and one from my brother Tracy) and I got two copies of The Perfect Elizabeth (again, one from Fred’s Dad and one from my brother Tracy). All we can figure is that they happened to be shopping Amazon at the same time; but isn’t it odd that they both chose those particular items? Especially considering that my wish list was about three miles long. Anyway, I sent one copy of each back to Amazon today and requested a credit in the form of a gift certificate in return. Between the books I got for Christmas and the Amazon gift certificate I got from my parents for Christmas, AND the books Fred’s buying me for my birthday, my wish list is but a shadow of it’s former self. And I have a huge bookcase stuffed with books waiting patiently for me to read them. God, I love it when that happens! I think I mentioned back before Christmas that I had ordered a pair of Nike Air Prestos (actually, I think I mentioned it in my diet journal) online at Footaction. I was rather excited to find them online, because they were hard to find in the stores, and the Nike website was wiped clean out. And since I’m a dumbass, the harder it is to find something, the more desperately I want it. Anyway, I ordered the Air Prestos in size small (Air Prestos are sized differently from your average sneaker), which also happens to be the most popular size. Can you guess what happened? That’s right, when they arrived in my hot little hands a few days later, they were THE WRONG FUCKING SIZE. Although the size I ordered was small, and the size on the invoice was small, what I actually received was an extra small. AND when I checked online again, they were completely out of size small Air Prestos. Was I peeved? Was I ticked? Was I losing-my-mind furious? Oh, you betcha. In fact, I was so desperate to have the shoes that I tried to convince myself that I could wear an extra small. I didn’t get very far with that particular theory. I mean, I could get them on my feet, but I couldn’t, y’know, retain feeling in my feet for long. I ended up sending them back with a particularly nasty note, and began haunting eBay, searching searching searching for Air Prestos in a size small. A few days before Christmas, I found a pair, bid up to $100 on them – almost positive I’d be outbid in the last few hours of the auction, but figuring I had nothing to lose – and checked back several times a day until the auction ended. I got ’em for $81 plus $7 shipping. Go me! That’s only $3 more than they cost on the Nike site. Pretty good deal, I thought, and I think I was lucky in that it was Christmas week, and so not so many people were browsing eBay from work. Or so I’d like to think. That’s why I needed the money order at the post office and had to stand in the long, long line. The spud and I had to switch Jeeps with Fred because I’ve been begging him for months upon months to take my Jeep in to have the oil changed and the wheels rotated. Yes, I COULD take it in myself, but then what the hell would be the point of being married? Fred, being the man, is legally required to deal with all car-related crap and I, being the woman, am legally required to bitch at him until he does so. It works well for us. Anyway, today’s the day he’s taking my Jeep to the oil change place, so I don’t have to worry about the fact that my tires are slowly going very flat and that I’m about 3,000 miles past the time I needed an oil change. Isn’t he a good boy? Lastly, I must tell y’all about the annoying clerk at Bath and Body Works. The spud, I think I mentioned, got three Bath and Body Works gift certificates for Christmas. I also got a gift certificate, PLUS a reader – Carolisa in Atlanta; hi Carolisa! – emailed Friday to tell me that B&BW was having a really good sale on, well, Bath and Body stuff, so I figured it was time to hie my ass to the mall. Bath and Body Works is always and forever jam-packed with people, no matter what time you show up, so I had to fight my way through the crowds to find the items I wanted (and yes, the incredible sale was still going on; thanks Carolisa!). The spud wandered around and picked up some deodorant and a bottle of shower gel. The shower gel was on sale for something like 3 bottles for $11 (or something similar), but the spud only wanted the one bottle. The sales clerk rang up the spud’s items and saw that the total was almost $10 less than the gift certificate the spud held. Naturally, she tried to convince the spud to go back out into the store for more stuff. The spud shook her head and said she’d gotten all she wanted to get. The clerk pointed out that she could give the spud a merchandise credit for the difference "or you could just buy more stuff now so you won’t have to later." This was enough to confound the spud, who stared wordlessly at the sales clerk, and a wave of annoyance washed over me. I stepped forward, fixed the clerk with a gimlet eye, and said "She’ll take the merchandise credit." You see, the clerk hadn’t realized that the spud was with an adult who’d seen all the crappy selling-up tricks sales clerks have to offer and wasn’t impressed. In any case, she got her ass in gear and got going on that merchandise credit. Oh, and while I’m thanking readers, let me mention Sarah from Noo Yawk City, another Mainer living in exile, who read my Christmas list back in November, saw my craving for whoopie pies, and offered to send me some when she went home for Christmas. Since I’m only human, I OF COURSE said "Yes, please", and last week found a big package waiting for me at the post office. Inside said package were three HUGE whoopie pies, because Sarah is such a sweetheart she sent a whoopie pie for each member of the Bitchypoo family. Three seconds after my weigh-in on Monday, I dove face first into my whoopie pie. These things were SO big that by the time I’d eaten half of my whoopie pie, I was stuffed to the gills and had to save the rest for later. So Sarah, thank you! I have the most awesome readers, I really do.
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Robyn’s Resolutions for 2001

1. I will shave my legs once a week. I could say I’ll shave my legs every day, but we’re trying to stay realistic here, people. There’s no way in hell I’ll get out the shaving gel and the razors every day, but I can force myself to do it once a week. Besides, once a week is better than twice a year, yes? 2. I will grow my hair out, because my husband likes it when I have long hair. And when he bitches about all the foot-long hairs he finds everywhere, I will offer to shave my head, which will shut him up. 3. I will keep my purse in a more organized manner. So that I don’t end up at the grocery store unable to find the debit card for Fred’s checking account because I shoved it in amongst the litter littering the bottom of my purse, and therefore have to use my own debit card, but since it’s been months since I’ve used it, I’ll have forgotten the PIN number and end up having to use the Amex card we swore we weren’t going to use any longer. 4. I will keep to my downstairs-on-Wednesday, upstairs-on-Thursday cleaning schedule. Instead of only doing a thorough cleaning every other week, so that the house looks like a shitheap on the off weeks. 5. I will have my eyebrows waxed and plucked by a professional at least once. I will also have my moustache waxed on somewhat regular basis. I have never had any part of me waxed by anyone, so this should be an interesting experience. I do pluck between my brows so that I won’t sport the attractive "unibrow" look, but I have no idea how to tame the rest. I also have a mustache that rivals the lush thickness of Tom Selleck’s, and since I don’t particularly want Fred to think he’s kissing Tex while he’s kissing me, I should probably take care of it. Between the unshaved legs, the unibrow and the ‘stache, I certainly make myself sound attractive, don’t I? 6. I will get my ass in gear, reorganize my site, and move it all over to robynanderson.com. By Valentine’s Day. Nuff said. Okay, that’s it, those are my resolutions. Nothing too exciting, but I think I can stick to them. I’d add the usual weight-loss resolution to that list, but since I lost 15 pounds this month (bringing me to a total of 79 pounds, woohoo!) I don’t want to jinx myself. 6 shopping days left ’til I turn 33! (Just so you know 🙂
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too good, as a matter of fact – and after we ate until we were ready to barf, Fred, the spud and I took a short stroll down the street to settle our stomachs. Well, Fred claimed it was so we could settle our stomachs – the truth is that he just wanted to get the hell out of there for a while. Then we went back and opened presents (9 books from his parents! woohoo!), partook of Fred’s banana cream pie (or whatever the heck it’s called. It has a crust with toasted almonds, and it’s incredible), hung around for a while longer, and made our escape around 8:30 or so. Once home, we sent the spud off to her room and I sat in the living room and ate some of the spinach dip Fred’s stepsister forced us to bring home with us, while Fred wrapped my presents (talk about your last minute, eh?). Then we opened our presents to each other, which is our Christmas Eve tradition, piled the spud’s gifts around the tree, put her filled stocking on the counter, and toddled off to bed. See all those lovely, lovely bath fizzies? Between my sister and Fred, I’m set for life! Or at least a few weeks… The books I got from Fred and his parents. I also got two tapes of "Friends" episodes (including extra footage!), an Illuminations gift certificate, an LL Bean gift certificate (from my sister), and a pair of sunglasses from LL Bean. Oh, and six chocolate covered marshmallow santas! I made short work of those, believe you me. I also stole Fred’s Snickers, the one I bought for his stocking, but that’s neither here nor there. Though to be truthful, I was the Monster Who Ate Alabama for a period of about 24 hours… Since we got to bed so late Christmas Eve, I forwent exercise on Christmas Day, and was awakened at 7-fucking-30 by the phone. It was the ex who, when I groggily mumbled "Hello?" only said "Hi, Robyn!" and did not identify himself. Wondering why my brother was calling at such an early hour, I said "Uh, hi…", to which he replied "Hi" and nothing else. Finally, my mind cleared enough that I realized who it was, and I said "Oh, let me see if the spud is AWAKE YET." "Okay!" he said cheerfully. I pulled on a t-shirt and wandered through the house yelling for the spud, wondering how long it would take me to travel to Rhode Island, kill him, and drive back home. Specifically, would I be home in time for dinner? The spud wasn’t in her room, so I wandered to the top of the stairs and yelled "Spud!" Fred yelled "She’s on the phone!" and I muttered to myself that it was REALLY NICE THAT NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL ME THAT. So I showered and settled down for a long winter’s nap – ie, I settled in to watch the spud open her presents, which is always an ordeal consisting of hours and hours of sitting and writing down what she got and from whom so she’ll know to whom to address the thank you cards. And this pile doesn’t include the big-ass printer from Fred and I which was hiding under a bag of discarded giftwrap. I won’t give y’all the whole list of exactly what she got, except to point out that she got THREE gift certificates to Bath and Body Works. Oh, and plenty of clothes. My parents, as usual, lost their minds and bought everything they thought the spud might conceivably like. This was a gift from my sister, who knows that my heart lies in Puffkinland. Miz Poo wanted to know just what in the freakin’ hell we thought we were doing. Fancypants howled and howled and chirruped and rubbed against us until we opened the back door to let him outside, and then we shut the door because DAMN it was cold out there, and of course he immediately wanted back in. We made him stay his fancy ass out there for ten or fifteen minutes before taking pity on him. The spud hauled her presents off to her room, and Fred and I settled back and got out the bag of catnip. From all over the house, cats came to lick, sniff, and roll in the kitty marijuana. I took a short movie wherein I sound like a total hick and which shows the kitties laying around in their drug daze, so go download it here. We filled a sock with catnip and tied a knot in it, and they all took turns licking it and rubbing all over it. The rest of the day was spent sitting around, reading, and talking. It was very relaxing, but I forgot to call my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas (oops!). I did, however, read all of Roses are Red in one day, so I did accomplish something. I haven’t updated ’til now ’cause I’m just not in a computer mood. I’m in a sit on my ass and read some of the books I got for Christmas mood, so I’m taking off until next Tuesday. Then, my regular updating schedule should resume. Of course, you could always join the notify list, couldn’t you? In any case, I hope the last week of 2000 is awesome for y’all, and if you’re going out partying on New Year’s Eve, I hope the drinks are plentiful (don’t drive, though!), and the men and women are hot. See you "next year"!]]>

The Cell last night, and I was pretty damn sure that I was going to have nightmares about that boogie-man at the beginning of the movie. And then I saw Vincent D’Onofrio and thought surely I’d have nightmares about him, especially when I saw the whole suspending-himself thing. Then I thought surely I will have nightmares about that monstrous thing he turned into in his mind. But do you know what I had nightmares about? I had a nightmare that, first of all, Elizabeth lived in New York City and wanted to meet, and I got lost in the midst of a very scary Central Park. And then I had a nightmare that Fred and I met Beth (or Xeney, as we refer to her around here) and they sat there and bonded as they made fun of me the entire time. And THEN I dreamed that I was working at a really crappy Target. I practically woke up screaming, I tell you. So anyway, the spud had no school today, which she was rather thrilled about, and I had nothing pressing left to do, so I didn’t leave the house at all today. It was pretty nice to just sit and read for a couple of hours, then leisurely wrap a few presents whilst watching my soap opera, and then have lunch. I know it’s not like I lead a particularly hectic life, but recently I’ve been doing a lot of running around, getting ready for Christmas, and I’m glad to have it done. I’ll be even gladder the day after Christmas when we rip that damn Christmas tree down. The lower branches are hanging almost to the ground because certain evil (but very cute) kitties like to try to LAY on the lowest branches, and even the strongest branch can only take so much from the likes of a slightly portly Miz Poo. It will also be nice to not have that huge pile of presents for the spud laying in a corner of my room, and have them instead be strewn all over her room.]]>

diet journal) and purchased only a smiley-face pencil and some scissors. The word is that we’re going to get some serious accumulation of snow tonight. Well, I guess the exact word was "serious accumulation possible", but that’s coming from Dan Satterfield, so it’s good as gold. Like it’s not bad enough that the kids get 2 1/2 weeks off from school, they need a snow day thrown in there too? I sure whine about the weather a lot, don’t I? Let me warn y’all now, there are only 20 shopping days ’til my 33rd birthday! You have been warned… Oh! Speaking of my birthday, we’ll be going to see (the musical) Jeckyll and Hyde in Huntsville the Friday after my birthday. We saw the ad for it on TV last night, and I thought Fred was going to wet his pants, he got so excited. Rather than sit down and eat dinner with us, he ran downstairs and got tickets for us and the spud. The best part is that it’s in the front row, so that’ll be cool. Don’t forget now, 20 days!]]>

Later Well, we’re back from the concert. Around the time the second band was on their second or third song (the chorus sang in between the spud’s band and the second band), I leaned over to Fred and said "Let’s find the stage door, get her case, and get the hell out of here." Fred freaked out because I said "hell" in a crowded auditorium and he was afraid they’d lynch us for my blasphemy. Then he smirked and made a gesture like "You first", so I got up and headed for the door. We were in the car by 7:30, and I have to say that the hour of concert felt more like 3 hours. Thank god it’s over until the spring.]]>

Roses are Red (score! ’cause I want to read it too!) and me Dr. Death (score! I love me some Jonathan Kellerman, and Faye Kellerman too while I’m at it). We got to Fred’s mom’s house at 11:00 and were on the way home, yawning all the way, by 1:30. We didn’t watch The Practice last night, but we taped it and started watching it this afternoon. Fred spent the ENTIRE time making fun of Bobby and the way he says "CRRRAZY!" when he’s arguing with Richard Bay in court. Here, go check out the clip I made for y’all so you’ll know what I’m talking about. Fred’s impression is pretty damn funny. ]]>

Scary Movie this evening, figuring that it would be okay for the spud to watch with us. About three minutes in – when one character tells another he’d hoped to have his balls licked – we realized the error of our ways and turned it off. The spud is disappointed a tad, I think. A mid-week movie is rare, and since she’s only allowed to watch Animal Planet or the Discovery channel during the week, I’m sure she was looking forward to some excitement. Okay, Friends is going to be on soon, so I’m outta here. Catch y’all on the flip side.]]>