Bitchypoo

Taking It All Off is back and posting! Yay! (Thank you to reader Michelle, who let me know.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I had to be out of the house by 7 this morning to make my 7:10 appointment at the dentist to do the “bite registry” I mentioned yesterday. This entailed sitting in the dentist chair while the woman in charge (I have no idea what her job title is) used what looked exactly like a caulking gun to put what looked like pink caulk along the bottoms of my top teeth, then I had to bite down and wait three or four minutes for the pink stuff to harden. I did that once without the front tooth guard, and once with. Then I was done and on my way, and she said they’d call when the nightguard was ready, which will be about a week and a half. Yes, I look like a dork. Also, a pinhead. (In my defense, I was staring at the camera right before the flash went off, and I thought “Oh, I shouldn’t stare directly at the camera, I should be looking off to the side!”, and as I moved my gaze the picture took. Also, I’m aware that I am in desperate need of an eyebrow waxing. But it’s a really bad angle to begin with, so there’s no way I was going to come out of this picture looking like anything with a dorkwad. Also, I’m blotchy. And yet, I’m HOT and SEXY and you know you want me!) When Fred got home from work yesterday we were laying on the bed talking and he was laughing at how having that piece of plastic over my front teeth made me lisp. “What is it supposed to do?” he asked, although I’d already told him. “Relax my jaw so that they can get a good bite registry,” I said. “Does your jaw feel relaxed?” he asked. “Not particularly. Besides, I sit around with my mouth hanging open all the time; it’s not like my jaw was particularly tense to begin with.” “What are you, one of those mouth breathers?” “Yeah, just call me Cory Haim.” “Say ‘sufferin’ succotash‘,” he said. “NO.” “Please?” “NO.” “Awww Bessie, come on, just say it once!” he begged. “NO. Shut UP. I’m not going to say it!” Finally he gave up, but this morning on my way to the dentist’s office, I relented. I called him at work and when he answered I said “Sufferin’ succotash. Happy?” But he wasn’t, because he claimed I didn’t sound as lispy over the phone. Sucks to be him, I guess. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ “I feel crabby, oh so crabby, I feel crabby and bitchy and wild!” ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I went to the dentist today to begin the process of getting a nightguard. I thought all they had to do was take an impression of my teeth, and I’d be all set, but nay. Apparently this is a long process that involves several (if three is “several”) trips to the dentist, and today’s trip was to get this odd little bite guard that fits over my two front teeth. This will relax my jaw somehow (I didn’t ask for details about how exactly that happens) so that when I go in tomorrow for my “bite registry”, they’ll get the best bite registry possible. Whatever a bite registry is. I have no clue. A normal person might have been all “What’s a bite registry, exactly?”, but I just don’t care. I figure they’re professionals and know what they’re doing, so I have no desire to clutter up the small amount of space left in my brain with that kind of information. Anyway, I have this little white plastic thing that fits over my two front (upper) teeth, and I look like a freakin’ rabbit. I’d provide a picture for y’all, but I did a half-assed job when I blow-dried my hair this morning and I look high as a kite in the pictures I took, so no pictures for you! I have to wear the little white plastic thing for the rest of the day (except when I’m eating) and tonight, and go back to the dentist at 7:10 tomorrow morning for the bite registry. Then I guess it’ll be a few days or a week or whatever before I get the actual nightguard. Exciting stuff, no?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I took some pictures while I was in Maine that I’ve been meaning to share with y’all, but forgot to until now. So, here you go! My parents’ Christmas tree, taken using the night vision setting on the camera. It’s just impossible to take a decent picture of a Christmas tree when it’s all lit up, y’know? My sister’s cat Tigger. Isn’t he adorable? Tigger again. He cracks me up, that cat. We were in Freeport one morning, and I saw this car. I said “Oh, an Echo! That’s what I want, only in yellow!”, and went over to check out the bumper stickers. I suspect this car is owned by a woman. Check out the full-size version, here. We didn’t actually eat at Chowder Express (we ate at The Corsican, just down the street from it), but we did check out the menu, and it looked mighty damn good. We saw this bowl at a small store in Bath. Debbie looked at it and loved it, but it was too expensive. I took a picture of the bowl and the box underneath with the company’s name on it, thinking I’d look them up and see if I could find the bowl cheaper online. I found the company site, but the bowl is $18. That’s a damn expensive bowl, I don’t care how cute it is! (Oh man, check out these salt and pepper shakers. I might have to ask for those for Christmas or something!) I’ve never eaten here, but the name cracks me up. My parents have THE most adorable dog. I saw this notebook in the Hallmark store. I didn’t buy it, but I had to snap a picture of it. If you can’t read it, it says “ladies and gentlemen.. we’d like to welcome you to alabama. please set your watches back six years.” Heh. MikWright stuff was all over the place in the gift shops. Heh. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ For dinner tonight: pizza pork hoagies. Yum! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ “WE are sitting in front of a warm fire, and YOU are not! Nyah!” ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

here. And the pictures from a few weeks ago (which I forgot to tell y’all about) are here.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ So I watched Lovely & Amazing while I was exercising a few weeks ago, and when I’d finished watching it, I told Fred about it. “Yeah, that guy who was in the movie with Jennifer Aniston, who was married and she had an affair with him…” “Jake Gyllenhaal*,” Fred provided. “Right. He’s in Lovely & Amazing, and he’s a kid who has an affair with a married woman in that movie, too!” “Huh. He’s typecast!” “I know. He had an affair with Catherine Keener in Lovely & Amazing. I don’t usually like her, but I liked her in that movie.” “Catherine Keener. Why does that sound familiar?” Fred asked. “Oh, she was in Malkovich,” I said. “I didn’t see that movie,” he reminded me. “Oh, right. She was also in Living in Oblivion.” “I didn’t see that either,” he said. “Right. If These Walls Could Talk? Boys?” “Nope.” “Oh, I know,” I said. “I always point her out to you because she’s married to Dylan McDermott.” “Oh.” Long pause. “Not Dermot Mulroney?” he teased. “Oh shit, I think I meant Dermot Mulroney,” I admitted. “Dylan McDermott was Bobby**, right?” “Right.” “Okay, she’s married to Dermot Mulroney.” Am I the only one who mixes those two up all the freakin’ time? It’s got to be the fact that they both have “dermot” in their names. *I totally typed “Gyllenhaal” without having to look it up, because I am JUST THAT GOOD. **On The Practice. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I was teasing Fred this morning about a woman that he loathes. (No, not YOU.) Yeah, yeah, you hate her guts, I emailed to him. And yet, I suspect that when I die tragically young, you’ll end up with her. He emailed me back immediately. You’re already too old to die tragically young. Bastard. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Someone asked in my comments whether I enjoyed Year of Wonders, which I finished reading a few days ago. I did, I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected to. It seems that the books I’m not looking forward to reading all that much tend to really surprise me. Last night I started The Next Accident, by Lisa Gardner. I actually made a mistake in that I read The Killing Hour last week, which she wrote after The Next Accident, and has some of the same characters, so I know some of what’s going to happen in this book. It’s still really good, though. I think I need to just go ahead and put all the books she’s written on my wish list so I remember that I want to read more of her stuff. Also, Hostage by Robert Crais was really good, too. It had me on the edge of my seat the entire time I was reading it. Which is funny, because I wasn’t looking forward to reading it at ALL. Because Fred read it, and kept exclaiming that it was the best book he’d read in a long time, and it made me not really want to read it, because what if I hated it? Then he’d be all disappointed because you know how it is – if you like a song or book, you want everyone else to like it too. But I loved it, and he was right. That so rarely happens that it deserves a mention in here. (Heh!) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ “How YOU doin’?” ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Amazon: You know, one would think that the idea behind having a wish list – aside from making a list of stuff I want, of course – is so that when people like, say, my parents or my husband or my friend Liz are looking at the wish list and want to buy me something from it for my birthday, I won’t receive the same thing from more than one person. And yet, for Christmas I received the exact same book from my parents and from my mother- and father-in-law. I sent back one copy of the book along with a tersely worded note letting you know that I was NOT going to be ignored, Dan charged for shipping, because this is a fuckup on Amazon’s part. (I didn’t actually say “fuckup” in the note, but I’m sure you could tell I was thinking it.) Like a whipped dog, y’all sent me an email telling me that I’d been issued a gift certificate in the amount of $14.19, and look! You didn’t even charge me for the cost of having the book shipped from me to you! And then, Amazon. And then you made me sad and made me shake my head and made me take your name in vain for perhaps the six millionth time since I “discovered” you. Because for my birthday I got the same fucking book from my husband and my friend Liz. So I’ve got to ask just what those kids in charge of the wish list software are DOING, ’cause Amazon? Someone’s asleep at the wheel, and I am getting MIGHTY FUCKING TIRED of having to package up books and send them back to you with tersely worded notes. Knock it off, Amazon. You’re pissing me off, and you won’t LIKE me when I’m pissed off. I guarantee it, fuckers. Love ya, mean it! Robyn

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Vinny T’s: Your food is a-maz-ING. The Fettucine Carbonara? Heaven. The bread, served with warm olive oil? Ambrosia. The desserts? Orgasmic. But sirs, I’ve gotta tell you. That chick who was my waitress on Sunday, January 2nd was absolutely devoid of any trace of personality. And in a restaurant where the wait staff can be counted on to be extremely personable, that’s a bad, bad thing. Still love you, though, Robyn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear JR Maxwell’s: I am down on bended knee to ask you to marry me. Because the lobster melt on the yummy croissant is the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life. And the chocolate peanut butter pie ain’t half bad, either. Hugs and kisses, The future Mrs. JR Maxwell’s. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Ben Stiller: Please stop making those stupid freakin’ Focker movies. They suck ass. You were great in Something About Mary, though. Mwah! Robyn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Philosophy: I love, love, love the holy hell out of your shampoo/ bath/ shower gel. You have awesome fragrances, and I’m particularly partial to the lemon meringue and strawberry milkshake. My only complaint is that all your shampoo/bath/shower gels come in huge 16-ounce sizes, and since I’m the kind of person who tires quickly of one scent, I’d love it if I could buy the 8-ounce bottles individually, instead of having to buy the set. Because I usually like one or two of the scents in the set, but not all of them. And I have a real problem buying a $30 set when I’m not going to use all the scents in the set. I also have a real problem shelling out $16 for a 16-ounce bottle of the stuff, when I know I’m going to get tired of whatever the scent is before I’ve used it up. Hmm. What I really ought to do is buy smaller bottles and sell them on eBay. I’ll have to think about that… Anyway, you’re awesome. You make me smell good, and I can’t complain about that! XO, Robyn PS: I bought a bottle of Amazing Grace cologne, and can’t stop sniffing myself. Then I bought a bottle of Falling in Love cologne, and it’s really not my thing. Too flowery, I think. You still rock, though. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Hallmark: Why must you tease and tempt me with your adorable knicknacks when I just don’t have the space for them? Whyyyyyy? Smooches, Robyn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Brad and Jennifer: Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy? Why, Brad? Why, Jen? Whyyyyyyyyyyy? Why can’t you crazy kids just work it out? You’ve broken my heart. I swear, if you’ve been messing around with Angelina Jolie, Brad… well, I hope you taped it, that’s all. Brad+Jen 4-ever&ever, Robyn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Coca Cola Company: Just as a warning, should you ever change your Diet Coke formula or stop carrying Diet Coke altogether, there will be a hue and cry the likes of which you’ve never seen. Well, you might have seen it back when you switched the regular Coke formula from “classic” Coke to “new” Coke, and people lost their shit and were buying up all the “classic” coke they could and stockpiling it in the basement to drink sparingly for the rest of their days because you guys fucked up so very badly. Not that I think you’ll mess with the Diet Coke formula or anything. But just in case, keep in mind that I have my eye on you and if you mess with my beloved Diet Coke, I will not rest until the people responsible for the decision are howling in agony for all the days of their lives. Love ya! Robyn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Publix: When the hell are you going to put the two-liter bottles of Diet Coke on sale for 99 cents again? We stocked up the last time you had them on sale, had so many bottles in the garage we could barely get around then and get through the garage, but now we’re down to three bottles. THREE. That ain’t right, and it chaps my ass to pay $1.09 when I know if I wait long enough, I can get ’em for 99 cents each. Put them on sale. Chop-chop! (You’re still the best grocery store around, and that’s no lie!) Robyn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The sword of Stumpocles. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Previously 2004: No entry. 2003: I swear, I have no control over my body sometimes. 2002: The shithole on Goddard Street. 2001: Lucky for her I’ve calmed down to a growling grumpiness, or it wouldn’t be a very good time to be the spud. 2000: We’re a pathetic lot, aren’t we?]]>

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Speaking of American Idol, I had NO CLUE that was Kelly Clarkson singing Breakaway. She’s come a long way, baby.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ So I was watching TV yesterday (I think), and this advertisement for a new show came on, and instead of fast-forwarding through it, I stopped and watched it, because I saw Ron Eldard and every time I see him, I have to drawl “Go get Earl.” (I’m sure that Michael Rooker would be thrilled to know that despite the dozens and dozens of roles he’d had, he’ll always be Earl to me.) Anyway, Ron Eldard is going to be in this new show called Blind Justice, and it has possibly the worst fucking premise I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Here, here’s a quote from TV Tome, to spell it out for you: Most officers injured in the line of duty opt for desk jobs or early retirement. Not Dunbar. He’s rehabilitated both body and attitude and fought his way back to active duty. His fresh start at a new precinct is threatened by the simple truth that no one really wants him to work there. His new partner, Karen Bettencourt, sure as hell doesn’t trust him to cover her back. They’re all in for the shock of their lives, because being blind makes Dunbar a better cop than he ever has been. Is it just me, or does that sound really bad? (Now watch, it’s going to end up being the breakout hit of the season, right?) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Reading Carrie’s entry, specifically the part about Gabe wanting so badly to sit up, reminded me of a story about the spud. Now before I go on, let me remind you that I was a YOUNG mother – I was 20 when I had the spud – and very, very clueless. When the spud was ten months old, she and her father and I flew to California to visit his family. We had a good visit, and one night near the end of the visit, a family friend babysat the spud so that the rest of us could go out to dinner at a japanese restaurant. (Suma’s, I think it was called. Somewhere in the Long Beach area? I have no idea whether it still exists.) So anyway, we went out to dinner and when we got home, the babysitter was sitting on the living room floor, and the spud was sitting up right in front of her. And we gasped and we said “Wait, she can sit UP, by HERSELF? How the hell did you get her to do that?” And the babysitter looked at us and said “Um, I put her down so that her butt was on the floor and her legs were out in front of her. You DO realize that she’s TEN MONTHS OLD, don’t you?” Because it had simply never occurred to us that she could sit up by herself, we had never encouraged her to do so, or even sat her on her butt to see if she could. I guess we thought that when she wanted to sit up by herself, she’d pipe up and say “Why, mother. Would you sit me up on my bottom? Because this laying on the floor shit is for the birds.” Thank god for that babysitter, because no doubt we’d still be laying the spud on the floor on her stomach and never thinking to wonder if she wanted to sit up. Did I mention we were young and clueless? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Oh, how Miz Poo lurves the heater… ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

almost a year now. Once the monitor was in place, I noticed that the top part of the monitor was a little more difficult to read, but I solved that little problem by just making it so whatever I wanted to read was in the lower half of my monitor. Also, if I was looking at pictures, I needed to drag them down to the lower part of my monitor so that I could see them; leaving them in the upper part of the monitor made them too damn dark and I couldn’t see a fucking thing. Yesterday I downloaded the latest version of Firefox (I’d been using My IE; I switched from Firefox to My IE a while ago for a reason I can no longer recall) and was having problems with it, because it’s against the law for me to install something on my computer and not have a problem with it. So Fred sat down at my computer and fiddle-farted around with this, that, and the other while I sat in the recliner in the corner of the computer room and read whilst warming my feet in front of the space heater. He fixed the problem and I sat down at my desk again, and the monitor had been… adjusted. Instead of sitting at a slant, the monitor was perfectly straight up-and-down. “My monitor looks… different!” I said. “Yeah, I adjusted it because I couldn’t see a fucking thing,” Fred said. And I opened up a page, and guess what? I could see it perfectly clearly from top to bottom. All this time, and all I needed to do was adjust my monitor a little bit. Who the fuck knew?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ He also turned off the num lock on the right side of my keyboard, though, and I hate that. I use that little number pad thingy almost exclusively for entering numbers, and when it’s turned off, it confuses the holy hell out of me. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ My visit to the gynecologist is over for another year, thank god. My cervix sends its regards. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Actually, I think I’m going to start looking for another gynecologist. I don’t dislike my current gynecologist, but she also doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies, either. I don’t have to worry about seeing a gynecologist for another year, but it doesn’t hurt to look around now, you know? If you’re in the Huntsville area and have a gynecologist that you absolutely love – or hell, even just like a lot – send me his or her name, would you? If nothing else, I’ll ask my primary care physician for a referral. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I just realized it’s the 20th. Everything I signed at the gynecologist’s office, I dated the 21st. I wonder if that nullifies the “If insurance doesn’t pay for this, I’m aware that I’m responsible” form? Probably not, huh? Also, I stole two good pens from the cup o’ pens by the checkout desk. They were both Bic Clic pens. I love those damn things, have I mentioned? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Meme, stolen from Becky. What color is most reflective of you? Yellow! It’s bright and happy, just like ME. How did you get the idea for your journal name? Fred came up with it, actually, and as soon as he said it I knew it was perfect. What time were you born? 5-something in the morning, I think. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Anything But Mine, by Kenny Chesney. I also wish I could download and play One Thing, by Finger Eleven, but they don’t have any songs on iTunes. Hmph. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? Princess Di’s death made me cry. Shaddup, she was a bit part of my childhood; I loved her, and even had her hairstyle for a while. What color underwear are you wearing? It’s white with pink flowers. Do you want a baby? I’ve got a baby; I don’t want another one, no. (Sorry, Bon-Bon!) What does your dad do for a living? He’s a Quality Assurance Specialist. What does your mom do for a living? Something in a doctor’s office that has to do with filing and dealing with insurance. What is your pet’s name? Which one? We’ve got Spot, Spanky, Miz Poo, and Mister Boogers. What color are your bedsheets? Dark blue. I’ve got two sets in the exact same color. What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? 520 (not necessarily in that order!). What was the last concert you attended? Uh… maybe Patty Loveless or Toad the Wet Sprocket. It’s been a long while. Who was with you? My mother went to Patty Loveless with me, and my sister went to Toad the Wet Sprocket. No wait, maybe it was Candlestick (Deb was with me that time, too). Or possibly it was that Lorrie Morgan Christmas concert? Gah, I don’t know. It’s been too long! What was the last movie you saw? Garden State. Who do you dislike most at this moment? No one, actually! What food are you craving right now? Sushi! Did you dream last night? I’m sure I did – I do most nights – but I don’t remember what it was about. What was the last tv show you watched? American Idol! What is your fave piece of jewelry? My engagement ring, though I don’t usually wear it. I’m jewelry-free most of the time. What is to the left of you? My camera. What was the last thing you ate? A scrambled egg, a piece of whole wheat toast (dry), and a clementine. Also, a nice big cup of Diet Coke, which that horrid woman at the dentist told me I need to give up because it’s not good for my teeth. What, it’s not good enough that I don’t smoke or drink, and exercise six days a week? Now I have to give up the ONE GOOD GODDAMN THING IN MY LIFE? (Foodishly speaking, that is) Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Fred, of course. Write a song lyric that’s in your head? In the midst of the music I tell her I love her And we both laugh, cause we know it isn’t true Oh, but Mary, there’s a summer drawing to an end tonight And there’s so much that I long to do to you But in the morning I’m leaving, making my way back to Cleveland So tonight I hope that I will do just fine And I don’t see how you could ever be Anything but mine Who last imed you? Uh… Nance? Jane? It’s been months since anyone imed me. Where is your signifigant other right now? At work. Do you have a crush? Not at the moment, no. What is his name? n/a What shampoo do you use? Back to Basics Apple Ginseng. When was the last time you cut your hair? I had it cut and colored last Tuesday. Are you on any meds? Yes, but nothing exciting. Seasonale, Toprol XL, and Synthroid. Do you have a mental disease? Not that I’m aware of. What a rude fucking question! What shirt are you wearing? A gold t-shirt with a square neckline. What time is it? 10:55 am. What color is your razor? Blue. What is your fave frozen treat? Dove bars! Are you sexy? Oh, shut up. ::giggle:: Whats your favorite shopping store? Target! Are you thirsty? No, I just finished a big cup o’ Diet Coke. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? If this one were to unexpectedly not work out? Hell no, I wouldn’t go for a third. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ “They call me Fang.” All the cats in one room, of their own volition. How often does that happen? Hardly ever. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ So Fred bought this book off Amazon, called The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers. The book tells ways to use classic mythic structure in writing for books and screenplays. Fred’s been reading and loving it, in a big way. (I don’t read books about writing, because they bore the ever-loving hell out of me. On Writing excepted, of course. Trust me – I know what I like to read, and books about writing ain’t it.) Ever since he began reading (and loving!) the book, Fred has turned into a huge pain in the ass. Every movie and every show we watch, he’s in there deconstructing it. We watched Without a Paddle over the weekend. The movie started and Fred smugly said “Here we see the three in their ‘ordinary lives’.” Ten minutes later he smugly said “The death of their friend is the ‘call to adventure’!” Another few minutes, he smugly said “Seth Green is the reluctant hero. Watch, he’s going to say no, and then be convinced!” “Baby,” I said to him finally. “Would you shut the fuck up, please?” He was quiet for a while, and then he intoned “Burt Reynolds is THE MENTOR, who not only teaches them things, but gives them a gift!” I gave him a look, and he pretended to be sorry. “Sorry,” he lied. “Here, they’re facing the ‘supreme ordeal’,” he said after a while. “And Seth Green popping up out of the ground is his symbolic ‘resurrection’!” “Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” I growled. “This is where they take something back to their ordinary lives that changes them!” he crowed. “I hate you,” I said. The next night, we watched Jonny Zero. “Oh, look. He’s the reluctant hero resisting, then accepting, the call to adventure!” Fred said as the show started. “You are RUINING this for me!” I snarled. “Okay, I’ll shut up,” he said, smirking. “Look,” he said, unable to resist. “His resurrection! He’s rising from his bad life as a new hero!” Finally, I had to pull out the I’m-not-kidding look. “You are ruining every fucking thing we watch!” I yelled. “Stop it! I don’t give a fuck about the mythic structure behind everything we watch! If you don’t knock it off, I’m going to refuse to watch anything else with you!” He seemed to finally understand and promised not to do it anymore. But for good measure, I’ve promised that the next time he does it, I’m going to shove that fucking book right up his ass, and he can yammer on to the doctor who has to remove it about reluctant heroes and elixirs as long as he wants.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ This time tomorrow, my appointment with the gynecologist will be over, this time tomorrow, my appointment with the gynecologist will be over, this time tomorrow, my appointment with the gynecologist will be over, this time tomorrow, my appointment with the gynecologist will be over… Can you tell that I can’t wait to get this appointment with the gynecologist done and over with? This is the reason I always make my appointments for as early in the morning as possible. Yeah, I’ll have to get up at 6 so I can exercise and take a shower before I go to my appointment, but by 9:30 it’ll be done and over with. Also, if your appointment is early, chances are good that the doctor won’t be running behind. Words of wisdom, from me to you. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

this site, where you can get the ringtone in mp3, wav, midi, and RTTTL format. I downloaded the wav, and then spent a long, long time trying to figure out how to get the damn ringtone from my computer to my phone. I signed up for T-Zones unlimited (and made a note to cancel it in three weeks, because $4.95 a month is too damn much to pay for something I probably won’t use again), I set up an email account, I set up the email account through T-Mobile, and then I emailed the wav to myself. The wav arrived, but when I tried to save it, my phone looked at me, sneered and said “Are you kidding me?” I uploaded the ringtone to my website and used the browser on my phone to download it. When it was downloaded, I selected “open”, and my phone raised one eyebrow at me and said “Dude. Are you kidding me?” After an hour and a half of this sort of thing, Fred wandered into the room. “You know,” he said, “I think you actually need an mp3, not a wav.” This, despite the fact that he’d told me earlier that I needed a wav. “Ugh!” I said. “I give up!” Except that I didn’t give up, because I WANTED THAT FUCKING RINGTONE ON MY PHONE. So I downloaded the mp3, uploaded it to my site, and used the browser on my phone to download the ringtone. And this time it worked! I am the coolest of the cool. When my cellphone rings, it rings just like the CTU internal phone calls! Yeah, I know. I need a life. (I also set up the mp3 in Eudora so that it plays when I get email. Shuh-weet!)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ So I had a dentist appointment this morning at 11. I walked into the office and started signing in on the sign-in sheet. Suddenly, I heard it. Boop-boop-BUH-doop. “Hey!” I said to the receptionist. “What kind of phones do you have?” “Uh…” she glanced to the side. “Something something something.” Boop-boop-BUH-doop. “That is so awesome!” I said. “It is?” she said. Boop-boop-BUH-doop. “Yeah, that’s the same ring that they have on 24! I love that ring!” I said like the dork I am. “Um,” she smiled uncertainly and glanced to the side again. Boop-boop-BUH-doop. “Our phones aren’t ringing,” she said. Which is when I realized that I was hearing my cell phone. Talk about embarrassing. “Oh,” I said in a small voice, and slunk off to the waiting room. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ It’s been something like four years since I’ve been to the dentist. YES, I know that’s bad. Don’t yell at me. Anyway, Fred switched dentists sometime last year and really likes his new dentist. Lately, Fred’s been saying “God, you need to go to the dentist and get a new bite guard, because you were grinding your teeth so hard last night I thought you were going to break a tooth!” He’s been saying it almost every day, and finally I sent in the paperwork to his dentist – they require that you send in the paperwork so they can verify your insurance and all that good stuff before they make an appointment for you. Monday, the spud and I were leaving the grocery store when someone from the dentist’s office called, told me she was going to call in a prescription and where did I want them to call it in? “A prescription for what?” I asked. “Oh, for the preventative antibiotic,” she said. “For your heart murmur.” “Oh, right.” “You don’t usually have premeds?” she asked worriedly. “I was just diagnosed with the heart murmur a few months ago,” I said. (This is the Tricuspid Regurgitation I’m talking about, by the way. In case you were confused.) “Oh, okay. Well, I’m going to call in a prescription for amoxicillin. You’ll need to take four one hour before your appointment. I’ll call in 12, just in case you need them in the future.” “Okay, great!” I said, and hung up the phone. I think I don’t have to tell you that visions of great fortune were dancing through my head. Because I was going to have eight extra amoxicillin pills, and believe you me, those babies were going STRAIGHT to the black market. Heh. Just kidding! Know how much 12 amoxicillin pills cost? Three dollars. What a bargain, those antibiotics. Anyway, this morning I took my antibiotics and with a heart full of dread I headed out to see the dentist. I swear, when I am reincarnated, I’m going to become a dentist/ opthamologist/ gynecologist so that anyone who wants to get the horrible stuff over and done with will only have to make one trip. Hit ’em with the gum scraping, blast of air in the eyeball and pap smear all at once and get it over with. I’ll change my last name to Pain (you can call me Doctor Pain), and wherever I go, people will cringe in fear. “Louella, what’s the matter?” a husband will say to his wife while they’re dining out on the finest Sonic has to offer. Louella will point a shaky finger at me and whisper “Doctor Pain!” Anyway. The building that houses my new dentist’s office is really cool. The ceilings are high, there are lots of windows, and each examining room is situated so that you sit in the chair, and there’s a TV to the right and a window directly ahead. I don’t know what the view is like in other rooms, but I had a view of a nice green lawn, a couple of small trees, and birds frolicking about. So the chick who showed me back to the examining room went over my history, discussed my teeth-grinding, and poked at various teeth with her Sharp Instrument of Dental Torture. She went away for a little while, and then came back to do a full set of mouth X-rays. I hate the full mouth x-rays, because when they do my front teeth and stick that long thing in my mouth (shut up, perverts) it always makes me want to gag. The X-rays done, the woman (I never did catch her name) handed me the TV remote and told me she’d be back in a while. I flipped through the channels for a few minutes, left it on the country music station, and watched the birds frolic. Ten minutes or so later, the woman came back, followed by the dentist. Who looked at my teeth for all of about thirty seconds before he declared them perfect and healthy and ran off again. The woman introduced me to Wendy, the dental hygienist, who made herself comfy and began scraping my teeth with the FUCKING dental hook thing. Jesus god in heaven I hate that fucking hook thing. “Hmm,” she said a few minutes in. “Your gums are bleeding.” “Hmm,” I said. “Could it at all be because you’re jamming a metal hook thing into my gums?” (No, not really.) We had quite a discussion about teeth grinding and the long-term effects of teeth grinding, how I’d ground my teeth flat, and if I didn’t have a night guard, I’d keep grinding down my teeth until I needed a full mouth replacement, and so forth. (By “discussion”, I mean she said all that stuff, and I said “Hmm” and made faces to react to what she’d said. For instance, she said “..might need a full mouth replacement!” and I made a face of horrification.) So the cleaning was over NOT NEARLY FAST ENOUGH, and they sent in Carrie, whose job was to tell me about the night guard and how it was done and what it was going to cost (answer: an arm, a leg, and possibly my left breast as well). Since my entire reason for coming to the dentist was to get a mouth guard (and also, you’re supposed to go to the dentist every six months and I have slacked in a horrible way; I’m lucky all my teeth didn’t fall out!) I smiled, nodded, and said “Let’s do it!” So next week I go back for the first of three visits. At the end, I’ll have an acrylic mouth guard that will stop the horrible squeaking sounds that disturb Fred so much. Oh yeah, and it’ll stop that pesky wearing-away-of-enamel. (And before you suggest it, please know that I’ve tried mouth guards that you can buy over the counter and online, and none of them have worked for me. Yes, I tried that one. That one, too. I need a professional one that will fit my teeth correctly and won’t fall out in the middle of the night, or slip halfway down my throat and make me gag.) Also, I have inflamed gums, and the dental hygienist showed me how to brush my teeth to get the bacteria out of the pocket of space between my gums and teeth (ugh). I have to go back in three months, and if my gums have not improved, I have to start gum therapy. My gums haven’t decided how they feel about that yet, but they don’t really like to talk about themselves so they’re going to be tough nuts to crack. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Oh, how I laughed when I first saw this picture… I like the pictures of the cats where they look cute, but I LOVE the pictures where they look freaky or goofy. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

This is actually a bank to put your change in, but I’m not sure how much change would actually fit in it. $1.50 at Reny’s! The head lifts off this guy; the expression on his face cracked me up. This was $1.50, too! This one made me laugh, too. Also $1.50! Does the cat look familiar? It should, a reader sent me the cat a few months ago. When I walked into Reny’s and saw this lamp (it’s not really a lamp, it’s one of those things you put a tea light in the top of) I had to buy it. Five dollars! We also hit this great store in Auburn called Marden’s. If you live in Maine, no doubt you’ve heard the “I shoulda bought it when I saw it… at Marden’s!” jingle. I hadn’t been to Marden’s in years and years, but it’s pretty much the same. My mother bought the spud two denim skirts, for FIVE DOLLARS EACH. They’re nice skirts, too. Anything you could possibly want is at Marden’s. There were a ton of books marked down to amazing prices (I didn’t get any, though, because I didn’t see any I wanted). Joe Kita’s book Another Shot? They had probably 50 copies – hardcover – for something like 23 cents each. I would have bought a bunch to give away, but I didn’t want to be hauling a thousand books home. I had limited space in my suitcase, you know. If you’re new to the area and looking to outfit your kitchen, you can’t beat Marden’s.

This is all I bought at Marden’s, though. $6.99! And look, that’s Meredith from The Bachelorette! Yeah, I’m sure there’s nothing this software can do that Paint Shop Pro can’t, but I’m an impulse buyer, and I couldn’t stop myself. We went to The Christmas Tree Shop in Portland – yet another discount store with a ton of bargains. I looked at a lot of lotion, but wisely refrained from buying any, because I have a ton at home that I have yet to use. In the end, I only bought one thing from The Christmas Tree Shop, but it was awfully cute. It’s unbearably adorable – and only $4! – but when I brought it home and put cat food in one side and water in the other, it quickly became clear that it wasn’t going to work out as cat food dishes. They’re just not big enough. I need to find another use for them, because like I said, very cute. Also, yellow! Far and away my favorite store in Maine is a Hallmark store, strangely enough. It’s the Hallmark at Cook’s Corner, right next to the Bath & Body Works, if you’re interested. Every time I visit the store, I buy stuff I love, and end up wanting to go back. We have an egg cat collection – I’ve mentioned it before – with a different egg cat to represent each cat. That is, we have a black and white egg cat to represent Spot and Tubby, a black one to represent Mr. Fancypants, a Torti to represent Miz Poo, and so on. We didn’t have a gray one, so I bought the one above to represent Mister Boogers. And then I had to get this one, too, because Mister Boogers is more of a Blue Russian gray than a regular gray. Then I had to get this one to represent Miz Poo, because I didn’t think we had one for her. When I got home, I realized that we did. Oops! And then I lost my mind and started branching out into the non-cat eggs. A squirrel to represent the little bastard who teases our cats. A crab, because it was cute and they didn’t have any lobsters. They also had eggs carved out into birds and I really wanted a cardinal, but the only cardinal they had was one of the big ones, and I wanted a small one. Ah well, maybe next time. Also, they had a lot of candles on sale. Vanilla Caramel? Heavenly. And the votives were half off. Votives for 80 cents? Gimme some of that! I bought every last Vanilla Caramel votive they had – something like 10 or 11, I think. Awesome, awesome. I bought a ton of cross-stitch ornament kits that I will cross-stitch through the year and give away next Christmas. These were on sale at JoAnn Fabrics for something like 30 cents each. I also got a bunch of ornament kits from my awesome sister for Christmas! We went to the Village Candles store in Topsham and all their Christmas stuff was marked way down. I don’t really need all that much Christmas stuff, but five dollars for this Santa! I couldn’t resist. Similar to the other Santa… yet different! That one’s holding a tree, this one’s holding a present. For the record, I don’t collect Santa stuff (my mother does), but when I see a cute Santa or snowman, I’ve gotta have it. My mother gave me this Cookie Jar. Not that I make many cookies, even around Christmas, but it’s awfully cute, no? Also, miniature snowmen salt & pepper shakers for my salt & pepper collection. Adorable, no? When we were in Hawaii this past summer, the day that the spud and I were leaving, we accompanied my sister to this small store where they were selling suitcases. She got a great suitcase for something like $40, and not long after that, the spud and I left for the airport. All the way to the airport, I kept saying to my mother “Oh, I should have gotten one of those suitcases, too! I love that suitcase she got! If I could do it over again, I’d get the same suitcase, only in gold. Man, am I kicking myself!” Well, I didn’t intend for her to do this, but my mother immediately went back to the store and bought the suitcase for me, and also got a smaller one – in blue – for the spud to give us for Christmas. I absolutely love it! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Remember back in December when I was like “Hey, here are pictures of the Christmas cards I got this year!” and ten thousand of you were all “Hey, I don’t see mine!”? Well, that would probably be because when I got back from Maine I checked the PO Box and found that there were 40 cards waiting for me. And some of the cards were sent out as early as December 10th, which means they took more than two weeks to get from somewhere in the US to me. I guess Christmas cards aren’t really a priority for the US mail system, eh? Anyway, I took pictures of them all, and you can see them here, here, and here. The first and second picture are particularly blurry, sorry about that. I’ll leave those pictures up ’til the end of the month, then I’m going to delete them in the interest of saving space. I said it before, but I’ll say it again: Thanks, you guys, for all the wonderful cards you sent. I enjoyed getting them, opening them, and reading them. I loved seeing pictures of you and your families and (of course!) your cats and dogs. Shopping for cards, addressing them, and sending them out is what I enjoy most about the holiday season.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I got a box o’ love from Nance last night, and it absolutely cracked me up. I won’t show pictures of every single thing she gave me, but I do have to hit the highlights. If this isn’t something that looks like it’ll come to life and kill you in your sleep, I don’t know what is. Those are some creepy, CREEPY eyes. This is a great big ceramic shell candy dish. You know, I was just saying to Fred the other day “What the hell? We have NOTHING to put our candy in!”, and voila! Now we do. She included some candy for the candy dish, because she is Nance and she rocks. I don’t know what cracks me up more – the big grin, or the fact that the cat is holding something that is either a toothbrush, or a nailbrush. He’s happy about it, whatever it is! That picture was done by the Painter of Light himself, Thomas Kinkade! It’s not just a calendar, no. It’s also an address book AND there’s a notepad in the back. Does it get any handier than that? I think not. This means I can get rid of the separate address book, calendar, and notebook that are currently taking up way too much room in my purse, because I have an all-in-one! A Gary Patterson calendar – the full-sized one! Yes, I have a Gary Patterson calendar on the fridge, but that’s a small, magnetic one. The pictures in this one are completely different from the other one. Miz Poo, however, does not approve. Thanks, Nance. You rock! Also rocking is Jane, who sent me presents, too. Somehow she knew that I’d just tossed my old hummingbird feeder because it was gross and beyond cleaning. Who doesn’t need cat butt gum? And for the record, it supposedly tastes like peppermint, but Fred suggested that maybe it REALLY tastes like cat butt, and I’m really too scared to give it a try in case it does. Cracks me up, though. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I’ve seen this meme everywhere, and even though we’re well into 2005, I wanted to do it anyway. I edited it, though, so I only have to answer the questions I want to. Heh. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before? Flew 12 hours to Hawaii. Oh, the hell. I never want to spend that much time on an airplane ever again. Did you keep your new year�s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t think I made any for 2004. Uh, nope. I did a search and nothing came up for 2004. My only resolution for 2005 is not to buy any books, and concentrate on reading the ones I had. I just got money for my birthday, though, so I may have to make an exception to the resolution. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but my brother’s girlfriend is due in April, and finding out about that knocked us all for a loop. Did anyone close to you die? My grandmother; I miss her far more than I expected to. Also, it’s been almost a year since Tubby died. What countries did you visit? Nowhere outside the US, unless you consider Hawaii a different country. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? I didn’t lack a thing in 2004. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 3rd, the day my grandmother died. January 28th, the day Tubby died. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finally coming to a decision and starting to follow through on it (she said cryptically). What was your biggest failure? Waiting so long to make said decision. But sometimes it takes time to wrap your head around what’s really right for you. What was the best thing you bought? The Dyson! I am still madly in love with it. Where did most of your money go? To savings (we’ve got a kid going to college in a few years, you know!), and to books. We do lurve the books. Oh, and we bought a couple of computers, too. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Seinfeld coming out on DVD! Shut up, I like Seinfeld. I just hope the rest of the seasons come out on DVD, too. What song will always remind you of 2004? American Idiot, by Green Day. Fred “discovered” it, and I was reminded anew how much I really like Green Day’s music. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? About the same. b) thinner or fatter? About the same! c) richer or poorer? Richer. What do you wish you’d done more of? Exercising, reading, writing, organizing. What do you wish you’d done less of? Letting the assholes get to me. How will you be spending Christmas? We spent Christmas day pretty quietly – Fred went for a hike, I made mandarin muffins, the spud and I ate muffins, and then we pretty much just puttered around the house for the rest of the day. Did you fall in love in 2004? I fell in love a thousand times over with the cats at the pet store. How many one-night stands? Oh, please. What was your favorite TV program? Survivor, Desperate Housewives, Amazing Race, Lost. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No, it’s a waste of time. And it gives the person you’re hating control over your life. What was the best book you read? The Tie that Binds, and Where You Once Belonged, by Kent Haruf. Every word that man writes is a gem. Also, The Dark Tower, by Stephen King. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Warren Brothers! What did you want and get? The Dyson. What did you want and not get? I wanted a new car, but ended up suggesting that we get Fred a new car in 2004 and wait a year to get me a new car. Making that suggestion, despite how very badly I wanted a new car, made me feel like I might finally be a grown-up. What was your favorite film of this year? Cold Mountain. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 36, and Fred picked up takeout from our favorite chinese restaurant, and we had cake. I like the low-key birthdays, you know? How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? “Comfy”. If it’s not comfy, why wear it? What kept you sane? Fred, the spud, the kitties (of course, they threatened my sanity as often as they saved it, too!) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004. Never say never. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ He’s such a serious-looking little thing. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~]]>