Month: August 2004

10 Things I Hate About You, which I got from Netflix last week. I love that damn movie. Fred came out to the garage while I was working out and watching the first part of the movie on Sunday, and said that he couldn’t decide whether Julia Stiles is pretty in an ugly way, or ugly in a pretty way. Heh. Which reminds me, I need to go download more songs by The Donnas.

* * * Survivor 487 starts in less than a month, on September 16th! Whoo! There’s a girl from Gorham, ME on this one – hopefully she’ll do the state proud. I also hope to get a new Couch Tater up and running before then so I don’t babble in here about Survivor and put the non-Survivor-watchers to sleep. But since I don’t currently have a Couch Tater going, I’ll do a little talking about TV. Those uninterested in my TV babblings, go on and skip to the next section, ‘k? We’ve been watching Entourage on HBO since it started. I really REALLY like the show, although it makes me nervous. Because those boys are spending money like it’s going out of style, and Vince isn’t bringing in any money! And Drama, Turtle, and E are depending on Vince to keep them in the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed, and I suspect at some point Vince is going to wise up and kick them off the payroll. Then again, Vince doesn’t strike me as all that wise, so maybe not. He’s adorable when he smiles though, isn’t he? Jeremy Piven as Ari is possibly the best casting I’ve ever seen, but all the casting in this show is perfect. I finished season three of Coupling last week, and I actually hooted, loudly, at the end of the last episode, the part that involved Patrick, Sally, Steve, and Jeffrey and the dancing. I’ll say no more so as not to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t gotten that far, but it was fucking BRILLIANT. (I can no longer type or say the word “brilliant” without hearing Jeff saying it in my head. God I LOVE HIM.) We’ve been watching Things I Hate About You (Jane mentioned it in an entry and made me want to watch it), and some episodes are better than others. The very first one is my favorite, so far, because of the guy burping and the woman with her singing to the dog. I hope like hell that episode comes on again. And look! I see on the Things I Hate About You page that it’ll be on tonight! Y’all should check it out if you haven’t yet, because when the woman sings to her dog, Fred and I were laughing so hard we were crying. Also, Mo Rocca, media gadfly. Can’t beat that combination, nosir. The only way it’d be better is if we could call and vote on who’s the most annoying. And lastly, we’ve been watching Trading Spouses because we are complete reality whores. I couldn’t be on this show at all, because there’s no way on earth I could walk into someone else’s house and try to tell their kids how to act. I’m no Tammy Nakamura, after all. (Thankyajezus) Okay, that’s it. I’ll shut up about the TV stuff now. You’re welcome! * * * Hey, when do the Olympics start? Some time in September? JUST KIDDING. We haven’t been watching the Olympics, but we’re aware that they’re going on now. I’m not so much of a summer Olympics fan, but we were flipping channels last night and came across the BADMITTEN (I have no fucking clue if that’s spelled right) BADMINTON event. That right there is a sport – I should say “sport” – that needs to be yanked right out of the Olympics entirely. I mean, come on. BADMITTEN BADMINTON is an Olympic event? We watched for two or three minutes and giggled like goons as the birdie (is it called a birdie?) floated gently back and forth between the two badmitten badminton players. It occurs to me that the only Olympic sport I have the slightest bit of interest in is figure skating, and then only the women’s figure skating and the pairs. The men I’m just not all that interested in – unless Philippe Candeloro happens to be around. Does he even compete in the Olympics anymore? Did he ever? See how clueless I am? * * * So, I’ve been wearing the same pair of sunglasses for, I think, a couple of years now. They’re sunglasses I bought at LL Bean, and they’re just the best sunglasses I’ve ever had – they’re comfortable and I don’t look like a complete dork in them. The lenses, however, have gotten pretty scratched, because I just toss my sunglasses in my purse when I’m not wearing them instead of carefully putting them in the case they came with like I should. So I went to LL Bean’s web page and found that they not only no longer carry that particular style, they don’t carry any round-lensed sunglasses at all. The horror! Which is why I spent half an hour online this morning doing nothing but looking at sunglasses. Did you know that for a mere $79.95, you can get FOUR pairs of sunglasses, all of them modeled after the sunglasses characters wore in the Matrix movies? I kind of like the Neo sunglasses, but rimless sunglasses really aren’t my thing. And then, my friends, and THEN I stumbled across this gem of a page. They may look like Bolle sunglasses… but they are NOT Bolle. They might RESEMBLE Ray Bans… but they are NOT Ray Bans. It cracks me up, that “NOT” in all caps at the beginning of the name of the sunglasses. I’m thinking about getting the NOT Ray Ban Predator 2s, because I really like the style, but I’ll be damned if I’ll spend more $100+ on the real ones – I’m too rough on my sunglasses to be spending that kind of money. I’ll buy the cheap knockoffs and spend the money I saved on BOOKS. * * * Speaking of things worth buying, when I was in Hawaii I bought a bottle of Kukui Moisturzing Lotion. I’ve been using it on my hands, and I think I’ve found the lotion I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life (which means they’ll stop making it aaaaany minute now. It’s not greasy, it sinks into my skin pretty quickly, and it doesn’t wash off the second I get my hands wet. Also, it smells pretty good. If you want to give it a try, you can get it here – I have the blue bottle, but I understand the brown bottle is fragrance-free. Just thought I’d pass that along to y’all. * * * “Who, me? No, I wasn’t about to go out the cat door. Nope, not me! I wouldn’t do that, nosirreebob. Nope nope. I was just standing here making sure no one else went out, is what I was doing.” ]]>

here, and from this week are here.

* * * Hey. Have you been to Smart & Sassy recently? I had call to use the words “Stalker McCreepypants” in an answer a while back, and it amused me way more than it should have, probably. We’re almost caught up on questions, so why don’tcha go over there and ask us a fun question. Or a difficult one. Whatever. Go ask questions, is what I’m saying! * * * So Sunday, we went up to Monte Sano State Park and had a picnic. We had a cooler stuffed with containers – one for the hamburgers, one for the coleslaw, one for the potato salad, one for the chicken breasts (which we grilled and brought home to have for dinner tonight) – and a number of other things (ketchup, Diet Coke, etc.). That cooler was HEAVY AS HELL. Fred carried one end and I carried the other, and we had to stop three different times so I could switch hands, the damn cooler was so heavy. We apparently weren’t the only ones with the idea of having a picnic – the place was packed, and we ended up at a picnic table right by the main path, so people were constantly walking by and checking out what we were eating. Best damn hamburger I’ve ever had, though. Fred talked about going for a hike after we ate, but I was so stuffed that the only place I wanted to hike was back to the car. I really think the best time to take a hike is BEFORE you eat. We’ll have to give it a try next time. * * * So, two journalers I read have both been targeted recently by disturbed people who left really ugly messages in their comments. Oddly, both journalers are named Jane – the Jane you already know, and a Jane I “discovered” while reading my sister-in-law’s journal – not only is the second Jane a Mainer, she’s also got the most adorable red-headed baby. How can you resist red-headed babies? I cannot. Red-headed babies are my favorite babies in the whole wide world. I mean, I’m partial to blondes and brunettes as well, but I feel a kinship with red-headed babies, because in my heart of hearts, though I wasn’t born that way, I’m a red-head. But I digress. So both Janes were recently targeted by disturbed people who left ugly comments, and the mind boggles, doesn’t it? I know what some of you will say – if you’re going to have a journal open to strangers on the internet, you’re going to get comments you don’t like. Sure, okay – but what’s wrong with these people, who would leave a comment telling another person they’re ugly, who would attack innocent children? I mean, what are they trying to prove? What kind of sad and pathetic life must these people have, that doing their best to hurt a stranger is something that brings them joy? I just don’t get it. And with luck, I’ll never really understand it. Luckily, people like that are pretty few and far between, and in the end, they really just aren’t important at all. (Nance said it better, by the way) * * * Oh, by the way? When you tell someone “Don’t worry, I won’t be back to read your journal”? Please. EVERYONE knows that means “I’m going to come back every six seconds to see the reactions to my asshole comment”. I guess I don’t really understand the people who feel the need to announce they won’t be back to read a particular blog or journal. I’ve gotten emails wherein people have said “Your talking about TV all the time bores the shit out of me. I’m not going to bother to read anymore” or “I can’t stand all the cat talk. I won’t be reading anymore” or, my favorite, “Fred hurt my feelings, so I’m going to stop reading your journal.” Um, okay. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, mm’kay? If you’re going to stop reading… stop reading. Don’t feel the need to announce that you’re going to stop reading. Don’t drag it out as long as humanly possible – “I just had to say this one last thing, and then I’m leaving. No, really, I’m leaving. I’m gone now. In just a second I’ll be gone forever. Bye! Seriously, bye! I’m leaving, bye! Don’t try to stop me, I’m going!” Of course, I’m not talking about any of YOU, because YOU all rock. I just had to babble about it a little so I could forget about it. Heh. * * * Oh, I have Seasonale news! I’m at the end of my second pack – I finished the last pill on Saturday – and this time around I had only two days of breakthrough bleeding. I had about a month of very very light breakthrough bleeding last time, so two days of breakthrough bleeding is a definite improvement. Maybe next time around there’ll be NONE. A girl can hope, anyway. The PMS has been rough this time around – Saturday, Fred claimed I’d been snapping at him a lot over the previous few days, but he’s just a lying bastard and I need someone to come over and help me bury him in the back yard because if he belches ONE MORE TIME…. I’ve probably retained five pounds of water, every ounce of it in MY BOOBS (grrrr), and I have the Zit o’ Doom on my cheekbone – one of those zits that won’t pop, just sits there for days and days, glowing a bright, bright red. I don’t think I’ve ever before looked forward to having my period with quite this much enthusiasm. * * * One of the two hummingbirds that visits the feeder. Hummingbirds are CUTE. I need a pet hummingbird! * * * Miz Poo at the tail end of a yawn. And in the middle of one. Clearly we bore her silly.]]>

A. Fucking. Men.

* * * So, five days after Fred decided we needed new computers, it is done: I have a yellow keyboard and mouse, but I think I’m going to switch back to the old mouse, because the new one just doesn’t feel right, and it annoys me. When the lights are off and all you can see is the red glowing fan, this looks pretty frickin’ awesome. Miz Poo checks out Fred’s new computer. Each time I have to back up my system, it takes less time. It took MAYBE half an hour to get everything written to CD this time, and the part that took the longest was backing up my music. I filled up five cds with nothing but mp3s. Well, to me that’s a lot – some of you probably have way more than that. But I’m just a beginner! Give me time, I’ll have fifteen different versions of “Xanadu” in my music folder. (Oh, wait. I already do!) This computer is so much faster than my old one, it makes my head spin. It’s quieter, too. I like the keyboard – it has springy keys, rather than the clattery ones my old keyboard had – and my new speakers are AWESOME. I still have to download several programs, but I have Firefox up and running, and Eudora and WS_FTP, and those are the important ones. * * * So, every few years we have to replace the comforter on my bed, because the cats nastify it and I can’t stand to look at it any more. The comforter we’ve had for about the last two years is in particularly rough shape, because of the several times last Fall when Tubby peed on it, requiring me to toss it in the washer – which is not necessarily how it was supposed to be cleaned. But Tubby had a knack for peeing on the comforter at night when it wasn’t really feasible to run out to the dry cleaner, and I’ll be DAMNED if I’ll leave a pee-covered comforter just sitting around the house, since cat pee is one of the most noxious odors on this earth, so into the washer it went. Finally, one day last week, I was so sick of looking at the damn comforter that I went on eBay to see if I could find a decent quilt-type comforter for the bed. After some surfing around, I found this quilt – and that’s a damn good price for a king-size quilt – and bought it. I wish it had a little less white and light colors in it, but for now it’s working out pretty well. I’m sure once Spanky barfs on it and it’s built up a nice coat of Spot hair I’ll be less enamored, but for now I really like it. And Fred doesn’t hate it. Score! * * * The spud put a blanket on the floor in front of the window for the cats to lay on. Note how they’re carefully NOT laying on it. “We didn’t want to get your blanket full of cat fur!” ]]>

HomeWork: Week 27 Which are your preferences? What do you actually have? Carpet or hardwood floors? I prefer hardwood floors – I’d love to have nothing but hardwood through the entire house – but we have a mix. In the foyer and dining room (which we use as a library/catchall room) are hardwooded floors, in the kitchen and bathrooms are tiled floors, and everywhere else is carpeted. Blinds or curtains? We have blinds throughout the house, and that’s what I prefer. Tiles or sheet linoleum? Tiles. Ugh. I hate it. Paint or wallpaper? We have paint throughout the house, but I think I’d prefer wallpaper in at least the bathrooms. Ah well – maybe in the next house!

* * * Is it wrong that this made me laugh until I cried? Been there, done that! * * * From my comments: Hey, have you seen this site? It’s page after page of really creepy pictures! AGH! Damn you! My eyes! MY EYES! Could the Spud have her own cell phone? Just in case? Even though the bus thing is all figured out… She could, but I’m resisting the idea of getting her her own phone at this point, because the idea of a 15 year-old with her own cell phone just screams PRINCESS to me. I know I’m going to have to get her her own phone when she gets her license and a job just so I can keep track of her, but we’ll cross THAT bridge when we get to it. I’m getting a new computer in a few months…..and I’m sure since Fred is building one for you it will be the greatest(because.. well..You Are The Greatest!). So what all did he get for yours? He got… something that will make it really fast and… something else that will make it fast… and something else that he swears will make it so fast my eyes will bleed! But most importantly, I got cool new speakers, an awesome yellow case, AND a yellow keyboard and mouse. I’ll slap up a picture of the whole setup once the new computer’s in place. New computer! Whoo! You know, here in Hell, the school bus costs money, so most of the kids the spud’s age end up getting restricted drivers licenses. Add in the 70,000 college students, and you have a city where the majority of drivers are under 21. DON’T COME BITCHING TO ME ABOUT TRAFFIC. Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Hee! Actually, that reminds me of the first day of school when I was driving the spud to school, and she said “This will be better when I get my license and can drive myself to school every day!” and I said “Oh HELLO PRINCESS, just because you have your license doesn’t mean we’re going to run out and buy you a car, and you’re not using MY car every day!” I mean, please. Does she think she’s Paris Hilton? Have our discussions about getting a job and saving up for a car (which, of COURSE we’ll help her buy) gone in one ear and out the other, or what? Of course, we’re talking about the child who’s more concerned with what the color schemes in her first apartment will be, than how she’s going to pay for that first apartment. Sony… nice. They’re all I’ll buy. Here’s your camera…and here’s my camera, in case you care. How big a memory stick do you use? When we were looking at buying the camera we have now, we actually thought about buying the camera you got, but size is an issue for us, since we like to carry the camera around when we’re on vacation. We have a 256 MB memory stick, and it holds a pretty good number of pictures and short movies. It’s working well for us now, but god knows in five years we’ll be wondering how on earth we could have thought our camera took clear, crisp pictures, and what a big, bulky dinosaur it is, the way we talk about the pictures our very first camera took! When I was growing up in the Northeast, we had 10 weeks for summer vacation (unless all the snow days got used up – then it was 9 weeks), and we also had one more week of vacation during the year than kids seem to have here in Ohio – we had a week off in February and a week off in April, but here they just get the one week in April. (I think their summer vacation is longer, though – mid-May to late August). Yeah, my nephew has a week off in February and one in April, but here they only have a week off in March. In the last few years, they’ve added another week off in the middle of October (it’s called “Fall Vacation”. I wonder how hard they had to think to come up with THAT one?), and they always get at LEAST two weeks off for Christmas. I swear they spend more time on vacation than they do actually in school! * * * So, I’ve gotta ask – you people in the UK, what’s the deal with the really REALLY short seasons of Coupling? I’m currently watching Season 3, and there are only 7 episodes! Is that how long all of your series are? This is the first Britist series I’ve ever watched, so I had no clue there’d be so few shows in each season. What the hell do you watch when you’re waiting for the next season to start? * * * “Just.. can’t… keep… my… eyes… open…”]]>

* * * Almost everything Fred needs to build our new computers arrived this morning via FedEx. Because I am kind and wonderful (and because I WANT my new computer ASAP), I brought the boxes to him at his office. There, he and Tex will start putting them together. The last of the pieces will arrive Thursday, and voila! I’ll be spending my weekend installing all the programs I need on my brand-spankin’-new computer. Whee! Hm. Ya think I should start backing stuff up? Nah. I’ve got ages to do THAT.

* * * From my comments: I get the notify when you post but now I can no longer just click on the link and get your site. What is wrong with my computer? I can’t ask the company computer guy. Do you mean it’s not a clickable link – ie, you have to cut and paste it – or does something else happen when you click it? Can you get to the main page if you type in the url? If not, I’d suggest that maybe your company has installed a program to keep employees from visiting possible porn (or other “bad”) sites; otherwise, I’m clueless. Wow, your schools start early down there. Up in the Northeast, almost all schools start right after Labor Day. When does the school year end down there. The school year ends toward the end of May here – I think May 20th was the last day of school this year. I would much prefer to have the school year end a little later, and start a bit closer to Labor Day, but no one asks ME. A yellow case? Where in the world did he find a yellow case?!!? Here! Look, it’s clear on the side! Fancy, no? New Computers! Soooo does this mean the old one’s go up on the giveaway page 😉 Heh. Uh, NO. We’re giving one to his parents if they want it, and donating the other to an area school. Just how big is this school? And how many buses are there? I swear we had three minutes to get to class in high school, and there couldn’t have been more than maybe 5-6 buses. Maybe I’m not remembering it right, though, since I went to school when Home Economics was called Home Economics. (What do they call Shop? Wood Dynamics?) It’s BIG. They just added on to it because as big as it already was, it wasn’t big ENOUGH. 1489 kids are enrolled in the high school – it’s the only high school in Madison. I’m not sure how many buses there are, but when I was driving around the school yesterday I saw four buses parked, and another two or three headed toward the school. I have no idea what they call shop these days – I’ll have to look in the spud’s course catalog! In the UK kids have 6 weeks summer holidays. How long do they have in US? Just being nosey… I just went and counted, and apparently she had 10 weeks off for summer vacation! …you’ve probably mentioned this before, but I was curious as to what kind of camera you used to take all the cats’ pictures. They look so good! Our “main” camera – the one we use the most – is a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 (5.0 megapixels!) Our old camera, the one that I carry around in my purse in case a photo opportunity comes up, is a Sony Cybershot DSC-P50. * * * An illustration of why one of Spanky’s nicknames is “Gomer”. ]]>

* * * By the way, the spud thinks she’ll like all her classes, but especially Family Dynamics. Family Dynamics, if you were wondering, is Home Ec with a fancy new name. The only thing she really doesn’t like about going to the high school is that they only have five minutes to get from one class to the next. I don’t blame her – that’s a HUGE school.

* * * “Yum! Birdies!”]]>

stumpy little bastard was going to start with crickets and grasshoppers, and then move on to bigger things? Sunday morning I was sound asleep and Fred had gone out to get fresh-grown tomatoes at a produce stand down the street and around the corner. When he got back, he dumped the produce on the kitchen counter and walked into the library just in time to see that stumpy little bastard come through the cat door with a baby (well, maybe not baby – more of an adolescent) cardinal in his mouth. Fred took the bird away and that stumpy little bastard expressed his displeasure by making bitchy noises, and Fred carried the bird upstairs to show me, and just before he woke me up, the bird died in his hand. I do love the stumpy little bastard, but I wish he hadn’t killed that poor damn bird. Oddly, just last night Fred and I were standing out back and looking at that very bird, discussing how he hasn’t learned to be scared enough yet, because usually when we go out back all the birds chowing down at the bird feeders fly off; this adolescent cardinal didn’t even seem to notice that we were there. At the rate the stumpy little bastard’s mighty hunter’s skills are improving, he should be dragging a bull through the cat door one night next week.

* * * Catster is up and running! And I put up pages for each of the cats – Spanky, Spot, Miz Poo, Meester Boogers, and even Tubby and Mr. Fancypants. If you have a cat, make a page for your own cat, and add any And3rson kitty as your cat’s friend! They’re not picky, they’ll be friends with anyone. Heh. * * * Today’s the spud’s first day of 10th grade, and I’m nervous as all hell. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but although 9th graders in Madison are still considered to be Freshmen, they have classes in the middle school rather than the high school, because Madison is growing at such a rapid rate that there’s no way the high school could accommodate all four grades. Aaaaaanyway, last week I started getting nervous about the spud catching the bus to the high school – that is, none of us knew where the hell she was supposed to catch the bus. She told me that every year when she’s been waiting for the bus to the middle school on the first day of school, the high school bus stops and the driver asks if she’s going to the high school. We talked about just having her stand at the end of the road as usual, but I’m a spaz and wanted to be sure that the high school bus would be coming by the end of our road. So I made Fred call the high school and ask them, and they said that the spud should be at the end of the road at 6:45 and the high school bus would come along and stop to ask her. Sounds like a plan, right? I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. At 7:40 I was sitting in front of my computer, doing a quick email check before I went to feed the pet store kitties, when the spud walked through the front door. “Oh, shit!” I said. “The bus never came?” “No!” I told her to go get in the Jeep, then put my shoes on and joined her. As we approached the end of the street, a bus was coming toward us, and I said “Oh, I bet that’s your bus! Go stand out there so they can see you.” The bus driver did see her and stopped, but when I looked at the kids already on the bus, I knew there was no way the bus was going to the high school – in fact, they all looked small enough to be going to the elementary school. The spud came to that conclusion too, and came back to the Jeep. I drove the long way through the neighborhood to make sure that the high school bus wasn’t just really late (school starts at 8:00 at the high school), but there wasn’t a kid to be seen. I dropped the spud off at the high school about 5 minutes before 8 and gave her my cell phone so she could call home if she had problems figuring out what bus to take (I told her to ask the bus drivers if they come to our subdivision), and I swear to god as I watched her walk into the school she looked like she was five years old all over again. I wanted to park the car and take her hand and lead her to her homeroom and settle her in at her desk. Except, y’know, I’m not actually into humiliating her to THAT extent. Heh. * * * “UGH!” I said, several months ago. “We need new computers!” “Why?” Fred said. “We just reformatted your hard drive!” “I know, but it’s so friggin’ SLOW. It’s driving me NUTS. We NEED new computers!” “Bessie,” Fred said in the ultra-patient tone that always makes me want to hurt him. “We do NOT need new computers, our computers work just fine, they’re perfectly fast enough. Besides, no computer would be fast enough for you, because you want everything instantly.” “Well, DUH,” I said, and spent the next few days pouting about not getting a new computer. “UGH,” Fred said last Thursday. He had installed some brand-new game on his computer – Doom, maybe? “Look at this! My computer is so slow that I’m getting slaughtered!” “Huh,” I said. “Sucks to be you.” Let it not be said that I’m not sympathetic when the occasion requires. Heh. “We need new computers!” he announced after another half hour of struggling with his game. I took great pleasure in responding with “Oh, baby, we do NOT need new computers!” Guess what? We’re getting new computers. Fred ordered the parts over the weekend, and they should be put together by next weekend. And MINE has a yellow case. I’d be annoyed as hell that when I say we need new computers he shrugs it off but when HE says we need new computers we get new computers, but you know what? I’m getting a kick-ass new computer! I’m not going to complain about THAT. It’s going to have a DVD burner, and I am SO going to be burning all my little cat movies to DVD, you can bet your ass on that. Whoo! * * * Today marks exactly eight years since I moved to Alabama. The spud has lived here for more than half her life. Amazing how time flies. I still don’t feel like a Southerner. * * * Spanky can always be found laying in the sun. ]]>

* * * So, I balanced my checking account last night, and I’m proud to announce that between June 22 and July 22, I only wrote eight checks. Eight! And four of them were to Dominos or Steak-Out. Considering that between April 22 and May 22 I wrote thirty-eight checks, I think I’m doing pretty well. Whoo! I could probably reduce the amount of checks I write even more if we kept cash in the house to pay the Steak-Out or Domino’s guy on Fridays, but that’s just too much of a pain in the ass.

* * * Okay. I’m sorry. I’m going to have to insist that y’all call me Road Kill Willie from here on out. Hee! Road Kill Willie! I’ve been sitting here giggling wildly for five minutes now. Perhaps I need to get me one o’ them thar lives. * * * So, months ago during the first episode of The Swan, the boyfriend (maybe husband, I don’t remember) of one of the contestants said the words “She’s a little average” and then a moment later it struck him what an asshole thing that was to say about the woman you’re supposed to love, and he went on to half-assedly add “But she’s beautiful to me” or something along those lines. For the rest of the life of The Swan, when they introduced a new contestant, Fred would say “She’s a little average…” On the last episode of The Swan – the pageant – they replayed the boyfriend/ husband saying that, and I taped that bit, and I made a wav of it, and I copied the wav to a floppy disk and left it on Fred’s desk with a note that said “Play me”, and he did, and he was not nearly as amused as I thought he’d be. So I took my toys and went home, and copied the wav to my hard drive, and made it so that whenever I have mail, Eudora plays the wav. So I’ll be sitting at my computer working on something or reading something or just generally slacking off, and this man’s voice will come out of nowhere saying “She’s a little average”, which is how I know – without looking down at my toolbar for the envelope icon – that I have mail. Sometimes the man will say “She’s a little average”, and I’m struck with the urge to announce to Miz Poo, “She is. She IS a little average!” But Miz Poo doesn’t care. And then other times the man will announce that she’s a little average, and I am struck with the need to sing that line over and over. Sometimes I sing it like I’m Ethel Merman, sometimes I sing it like I’m Dolly Parton, and sometimes I sing it like it’s an opera. But sadly, that’s the only line in the song, because I for some reason lack the creativity to come up with the second line in the “She’s a little average” song. Hmm. Maybe “She’s a little average/ but she’s married to an ass/ She’s a little average/ But her husband has no class”? Doesn’t really fit. I’ll have to keep working on it. Suggestions? * * * I had to rescue not one but two crickets from Meester Boogers last night. The first was around ten and the second was close to midnight. He’s been bringing crickets and grasshoppers into the house pretty often lately. I have a feeling he’s planning on working his way up. Next, he’ll bring in a mouse, then maybe a bird. By next spring, I’m sure he’ll have worked his way up to bringing possums in the house. Maybe Tubby’s spirit is teaching him how to hunt. It’s a pain in the ass to catch crickets, take them downstairs, and toss them out the door, because although I am no longer actually fearful of crickets, I also have no desire to touch them with my actual hands because ICK. Last night I had to dig around in the trash and find a container I could catch the cricket in to carry him downstairs. And then I had to convince the cricket to get IN the container, all while Meester Boogers and Miz Poo kept sticking their big stupid heads in the way, trying to sniff at the cricket. The morning I wake up and find a cricket in bed with me is the day I start closing the cat door at night, believe you me. * * * I got back the pictures from the disposable underwater cameras I took to Hawaii. I’ll put them all up on a page one of these days, but for now I’ll share my favorites. My parents and Brian in the water at Waimanalo Beach Park. Deb and Brian in the water. A head, bobbing in the water! (That’s me. Also, Debbie’s foot. Heh.) Pretty, no? * * * Hellew.]]>

Dooce’s entry and got a little annoyed at what assmonkeys people are. And then this past weekend I followed links from this entry of Michelle’s and read this entry and my brain exploded. Then I said to Fred, “If I ever get pregnant*, I’ll have to immediately take down my journal and get a new email address, because I SO wouldn’t want to have to deal with the shit.” I mean, seriously. I thought I’d gotten some rude-ass emails from idiots who stumble across my diet journal, but I don’t get anything like the emails some of you mothers get, whether you’re into Attachment Parenting or not. Every asshole’s got an opinion, and they’re always more than willing to let you know when they think you’re a fucking idiot. Lordy. *No, there are no current plans for Fredbyn offspring. In fact, we’re strongly leaning toward “no”, but haven’t definitely made that decision one way or the other.

* * * “Hey,” I said to Fred the day after I got back from Hawaii. “You know what they call flip-flops in Hawaii?” “Royale with cheese?” he said. Heh. (The answer: Slippahs.) * * * Pet store kitty pics from Monday are here. * * * Saturday morning, Fred was about to step into the shower when he realized he hadn’t seen Meester Boogers at all that morning. That’s unusual, because after Fred works out, he comes inside and Meester Boogers is usually sitting there waiting for him. So Fred threw some clothes back on and went searching. After some time, he went out back to see Meester Boogers and Spanky sitting by the fence between the back yard and the part of the yard where the driveway is. They were staring intently at the bottom of the fence, and when Fred went over to check it out, he found a box turtle trying to get into our back yard. So he carried it into the back yard to freak the kitties out: “What the fuck IS this thing??” When he left to get groceries, he took the turtle with him, and left him in a section of woods by the nearby middle school, where there’s a stream and lots of bugs – everything a turtle could ever want, in other words. Hopefully the turtle didn’t immediately turn around and head for the road! * * * Down the street from us is a house. When we first moved into the neighborhood, this house had a really crappy lawn. The owners didn’t mow very often, and they had a lot of weeds growing in the lawn, and every time we’d drive by the house, Fred would joke that the crappy lawn belonging to this house was “bringing down property values!” Two years ago, that house was sold to new owners, a retired couple who took a crappy lawn and made it the best looking lawn in the neighborhood. They’re always working in the yard, and every time I drive by and see them out there working in the flower bed, I’m struck with an impulse to stop and thank them for having a lawn that’s such a pleasure to look at. I haven’t yet, but one day I just might. Trust me – this picture doesn’t even come close to doing it justice. * * * “Nyah!”]]>

HomeWork Do you have a supply of unhappy, separated socks in your house? If not, why not? If so, how long do you wait for them to reconcile before issuing a decree of divorce and throwing them out? Any ideas for using odd socks that don’t involve wiggly eyes, felt tongues and woolly hair? Finally, do you have a theory as to where all the odd socks go? I don’t actually have a supply of separated socks – I tend not to find lonely onlys very often when I’m doing the laundry. When I do end up with a single, I leave it on top of my dresser until I’ve done the laundry again, whereupon I declare the matching sock gone forever. For a while, I’d use old socks to dust the furniture, but that didn’t last long. Now when I have an odd sock, I fill it with catnip and toss it to the cats who drag it all over the house before abandoning it under my bed. As for where the odd socks go – the bad ones go to hell, don’t they?

* * * So, we were watching Trading Spouses last night (yeah, I still haven’t taken any steps toward getting a new Tater blog up and running yet. It’s on the list. I’ll get to it one day.) and one of the moms – Lisa, the middle-class mom from Massachusetts – said “I don’t cook.” Whuh? I don’t get that. Who are these women who don’t cook? I mean, I really have no mad cooking skillz, but even I can take a chicken breast and cook it in a way that’s edible. How do people get along in life without being able to cook? Do they seriously order out all the time, or what? Inquiring minds want to know these things, people. * * * Fred read Uncle Bob this morning and followed the link to Find Your Spot. He took the quiz, and the #1 result was Ocala, Florida. Which is funny, because we’ve actually lately been talking about moving to Florida in a few years. Florida because of the ocean, and because it’s warmer down there. I’d be happy with living on the coast anywhere, but Fred can’t abide by even the idea of cold weather, so it’s Florida we’ve been talking about. The #2 result was Brownsville, Texas, which looks more attractive to me because it’s on the water. I’m trying not to get too excited, because if we do move, it’ll be years from now and who know what’ll happen between now and then? But the idea of living close to the ocean ROCKS. * * * From my comments: A thought…just HOW do you know what a “uriney aftertaste” tastes like, anyway? The same way you know that salt and vinegar chips taste like dirty (yet somehow yummy) gym socks. You just KNOW. Hey! I made the cutest little pic of myself from the link you mentioned…but how in the world did you copy it? Now that I made it I can’t figure out how to do anything with it! It was fun, though. (That’s the link to making your own avatar she’s talking about) I think I did the right-click and save-as thing. On second thought, I just went and made another avatar, and didn’t have any luck with right-clicking and saving-as, so I hit the “prt scr” button on the upper right-hand corner of my keyboard, opened Paint Shop Pro, clicked on edit, chose “paste as new image”, cropped the picture down, and saved it. Voila! This is my “Badass” avatar! Robyn, how old is that Bean photo because there is a piece of road working equipment in the background! She’s referring to this picture: The picture was only a few weeks old when I put it up – they were (and still are) working on putting culverts on the other side of our back fence. I should probably point out that I took that picture upstairs, so you can’t actually see the fence, but it’s there! I have cable service and mine slowed to a crawl too. I ran Spybot S&D and when I removed the spyware it found it threw up a message saying it was also “optimizing network connections” and after that things started to fly again 🙂 You might give it a try. The cable company kept telling me there were not any problems. I thought they were liars. (This is regarding me bitching and whining about how slow everything had gotten, internet-wise.) Fred, after spending quite some time on the phone with our cable internet provider, went out and bought a new cable modem (we’d been renting one from Knol0gy), and all our problems were solved. Yay! * * * “How come *I* don’t get bottled water??” ]]>