new logo! This one was created by lovely reader Carol, a few months ago. Thanks, Carol! And on a side note, I have no logo for December. If anyone’s feeling creative, go for it!
High on a stump was a lonely hen
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Loud was the voice of the lonely hen
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
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Thank you all for your lovely anniversary wishes. I slept in until almost 10:00 (!) and was awakened by a knock on the front door. When I opened the door, a cleaning team was standing there.
“Happy anniversary from Fred!” they chorused. “We’re here to deep clean your house from top to bottom!”
There were so many of them that it took only a couple of hours to get the house gleaming from top to bottom. I didn’t want to get in their way, so I took my book out onto the front porch and sat in the sun while reading and watching the traffic go by, and the birds frolic around the front yard. After they left, I went inside and stepped on the scale to find that I have miraculously lost 15 pounds overnight, without even trying.
I was about to go take a long bath and then wash my hair, but just as I turned the water on to fill up the tub, there was another knock on the door.
“Happy anniversary from Fred!” said a tall man in a suit. “Please get dressed and join me in the driveway.”
Wondering just what in the holy hell was going on, I got dressed and went out the side door.
There, in the driveway, sat a stretch limo. Without a word, the driver helped me into the back of the limo, told me to relax, and we drove off down the road. There was a full bar and a tiny refrigerator, so I opened a bottle of Evian and ate a couple of chocolate-covered strawberries and wondered where we were going.
After half an hour, we pulled up to a full-service spa in South Huntsville I’d only read about, but never experienced.
“Mrs. And3rson!” the woman at the front desk greeted me. “Please follow me!”
I did so, and what came after was the stuff of fairytales: full-body massage, mud bath, facial, pedicure and manicure, a fancy haircut and styling, and all the while I wasn’t required to make polite conversation or do anything but lay there and enjoy the pampering.
When the pampering was over, I went into the dressing room and found that my slobby sweatpants and t-shirt had been replaced by a lovely dress that (1) made me look taller, (2) made me look much thinner, and (3) did not display my flabby upper arms, flabby upper thighs, or flabby stomach. It was a miracle dress, is what it was. I slipped on the dress and the shoes – some Italian designers who didn’t sound familiar to me had designed them specifically for my feet – and after a session in a chair with a makeup artist, I was whisked away in the limo.
I was so busy playing with the stereo in the back of the limo that I forgot to pay attention to where we were going, so when we pulled up to a small airplane, I was more than surprised.
“Happy anniversary from Fred!” said the pilot who descended from the plane. “Please come in and have a seat!” I did, mind boggling. The stewardess brought me a flute of champagne and more chocolate-covered strawberries, and I ate and drank as we took to the air.
It was a fairly short flight, and as the plane began descending, I saw the blue waters and white sand beaches of Florida below. As the plane taxied to the terminal, Fred appeared and beckoned me to him.
“Bessie!” he said, waving his arm expansively. “Are you having a good anniversary so far?”
“Yeah, but WHAT THE HELL?” I said. “How can we possibly afford all this?”
“Let me explain over dinner,” he said, and we got into the limo waiting for us. We were whisked away to a small table on a deserted beach, and served oysters, lobster, and shrimp.
“Okay, we’ve eaten,” I said some time later. “Are you going to explain this to me?”
“Remember a few weeks ago when I had to go up into Tennessee for work?” he said.
“I do.”
“Well, while I was there, I bought a lottery ticket. And I forgot all about it until last week, and then when I checked the numbers, I found out -”
“We won the LOTTERY?” I said. “We won the LOTTERY, and you didn’t TELL me?”
“We won the lottery,” he said. “And I didn’t tell you. But isn’t it a good surprise?”
“It is,” I conceded. “How much did we win?!”
“A hundred billion dollars,” Fred said.
“A hundred million dollars?!”
“No. A hundred BILLION dollars.”
After I regained consciousness, Fred smiled down at me. “We could totally buy and sell Oprah if we wanted to. Instead, I’ve made an offer for an island in the Bahamas and they accepted. We’re going to live on our VERY OWN island in the Bahamas. It’s three hundred acres.”
“Wow,” I said, eyes shining. “Imagine how many cats we could fit on three hundred acres!”
“Well, Bessie? Is this a good anniversary present?”
“You bet your ASS it is!”
And we toasted each other and watched the sun set as we walked along the water, burning hundred dollar bills to keep warm.