3-26-08

I recently finished The Washingtonienne by Jessica Cutler. It was a bathroom book, by which I mean, a book I keep in the bathroom because it is BORING IN THERE, and so when business needs to be conducted, I need something in there to read. (Shaddup.) Anyway, previously unbeknownst to me, Fred also reads my … Continue reading “3-26-08”

I recently finished The Washingtonienne by Jessica Cutler. It was a bathroom book, by which I mean, a book I keep in the bathroom because it is BORING IN THERE, and so when business needs to be conducted, I need something in there to read.

(Shaddup.)

Anyway, previously unbeknownst to me, Fred also reads my reading material when he’s conducting his own business in there, and after a few days of leafing through The Washingtonienne and reading bits of it, he begged me to put a magazine in there because the horror of The Washingtonienne was causing his bowels to slam shut and no business was being conducted.

It took me a few weeks, but I finally finished The Washingtonienne and today I am announcing that bitchypoo.com, in conjunction with vituperation.com, is awarding The Washingtonienne the title of The Most Vapid Book of This Century.

Honest to god, it was the least substantial book I have ever had the displeasure of reading, and I don’t know why I read it all the way through – well, yes I do. I read it all the way through because it was the only thing in there, and somehow I kept forgetting to replace it, so I was held hostage by circumstance.

I should have known when I opened the front cover and a great burst of hot air blew my hair back that there wasn’t going to be a lot of “there” there. It’s like the literary equivalent of marshmallow fluff, except that marshmallow fluff is tasty annnnd…. The Washingtonienne is the opposite of tasty. It’s like marshmallow fluff gone rancid. If marshmallow fluff went rancid. And I don’t see why it wouldn’t. Anyway, you get my point.

I certainly don’t blame Jessica Cutler for this horrific book unleashed upon an unsuspecting public, because she was only capitalizing on the notoriety of writing a blog about who she was fucking and in what position (that’s an assumption on my part, since I never read her blog) and if someone contacted me and was all “Write a book about (whatever trainwreck issues might arise in my life, of which there are thankfully few, or ARE there, ho ho HO wouldn’t YOU like to know?!) and we’ll give you lots of money! Whee!”, I’d be all over that.

I do blame the idiots at Hyperion who thought they’d capitalize on… Oh. Well, I guess I can’t really blame them, either. They’re in the business to make money after all.

I guess who I should be blaming, really, is my own stupid ass and the fact that I feel a weird compulsion to buy books written by bloggers to support! the cause! man! That’s bitten me on the ass more than once, and I guess I need to stop doing that shit. Probably I should just stick to buying books by bloggers I actually read and enjoy and not every book written by a blogger, whether I’ve read them or not.

So, um, yes. The Washingtonienne: don’t bother.

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Maxi is a pretty cat and she’s a good cat, but what she is not, is a smart cat. She has, lately, taken to asking to go outside. We almost always let Maxi and Newt out the side door, because that’s usually where we are when they ask to go out. So we let her out, she sniffs around, chases birds, does whatever, and then decides she wants back in the house.

Instead of going back to the door she came outside through, she climbs over the fence into the back yard and goes to the back door and comes in the cat flap in the screen door. This works fine and everything, except that often times she tries to come in the back door when we’ve already closed it for the night, so she sits there and waits for us to open it. Usually, we don’t even know she’s out there. Eventually one of us goes out the side door, and Maxi races over to the fence and howls at us. And howls. And howls some more. Does she climb the fence and jump up on the side stoop? She does not. She howls, and then she races to the back door. So we either have to open the gate and call her, then let her in the side door, OR we have to go inside and open the back door to let her in.

I cannot even imagine how much time she’s probably spent sitting patiently by the back door, waiting for someone to let her in.

* * * * * * * * * *

New fosters!


The white one is a girl named Smudge Bunny and the black and white is HG (stands for “Hourglass”, because he’s got an hourglass-shaped patch of white on his tummy).

They’re very skittish. Their story is that an 89 year-old woman found them and took care of them as best she could, but she was just throwing them scraps of the food she had around, so their little digestive systems were pretty messed up when the shelter took them. They’re about 6 months old.

Smudge Bunny, though you can’t see it in the picture, has a smudge of gray on top of her head (you have to look closely to see it) and a smudge of orange along her tail. I just got them last night and haven’t spent a lot of time with them yet – they’re so nervous that I wanted to let them get used to their surroundings a little before I start spending time in there. I took them a small plate of canned cat food this morning and they were interested, but then I moved and they zipped under the dresser and hid.

They’re sweet little things; I’m sure they’ll come around, especially once Fred the cat whisperer gets his hands on them. I just hope he doesn’t fall in love with Smudge Bunny’s gorgeous blue eyes; I really don’t want the permanent cat population to get up into the double digits!

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Newt keeps his eye on the prize (but then it flew away!).

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Previously
2007: I was filled with a black hatred for the goddamn lights and my goddamn husband and every goddamn thing that ever was.
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.
2004: Another reason I love the man: he makes me laugh every day.
2003: I’ll tell you what, he’s lucky I didn’t go get the cleaver and chop that fucking finger right the fuck off.
2002: My mind is blank…
2001: It’s just the little things that get to me, y’know?
2000: Married people! Having sex in the middle of the day! What IS this world coming to?

25 thoughts on “3-26-08”

  1. Good thing Smudge Bunny has a smudge of gray and orange on him. Otherwise, he might be deaf. I lurve white kitties. Too bad the male ones are usually deaf. My Casper the Friendly Cat was deaf. I thought it was really cool at the time. I was 13 when he passed away.

  2. Um ok, so this is a weird and probably stupid question so feel free to ignore it but… Why does one ever need reading material in the bathroom? I’m honestly just asking cause I know people do but I’ve never known why. How long does it possibly take and how can you read and…go at the same time? Or is it for…after?

    I’m so confused!

  3. I actually think I can see the grey smudge on Smudge Bunny’s head, unless she’s just got a cowlick there making a shadow or something. I can’t wait to see the orange smudge. Here’s hoping they’ll get adapted quickly so I don’t have to wait too long for the pictures!

  4. The white foster kittie reminds me of my white cat who, ironically is named Smudge too. He was named Smudge because of a smudge of grey on the top of his head, which faded as he grew and now he is pure white. Anyway, I thought I had heard that if a white cat has blue eyes they could probably be deaf. Have you heard anything like that?

  5. Yes, Ms Cutler cut (heh) quite a swath through Capitol Hill during her blog days. One of her… um, paramours… is actually suing her for writing about their liaison. She used his real initials, which he claims made it easy for people to figure out who he was. She still blogs here in DC, just not as “Washingtonienne.” And Danielle, I too am a bathroom reader. Occasionally these processes take a little time.

  6. Danielle, you’ve never had the Nervous Tummy (tm Tessie, Messing With Texas) followed by the Frantic Bowels? I envy you!!

  7. I do hope that you put something other than the horror of this book in the reading room. Just the thought of Fred’s bowels slamming shut for the time it took you to read that monstrosity is hilarious. Girl you are quite the storyteller!

  8. KITTIES!!! The white one is a complete doll, and I want her.

    Sorry to hijack your comments, but I’ve got a question for Friday’s Answer Extravaganza: After nearly seven years of kissing frogs (I’m happily divorced), I’ve finally found me a terrific, smart, funny, wonderful guy, and we’re in wuv… TWUE wuv. But there’s a problem (isn’t there *always* a problem?): he’s an avowed dog person. This is not an issue for me, as I quite like dogs. But I also love cats, and I’m finally ready to get another (having lost my beloved kitty Ophelia three years ago).

    My honey doesn’t dislike cats, although he strongly prefers dogs. The challenge is, he’s *allergic* to cats. It’s a mild allergy, but an allergy nonetheless.

    Making things worse, a coworker of mine has found the most ADORABLE stray kitty (he looks like a Siamese), and she’s trying to talk me into taking him. And I wanna! But the SO and I will probably be cohabiting within the next six months, and I don’t want to adopt a kitty only to turn around and give him to someone else.

    Are there any successful treatments for cat allergies that aren’t ridiculously expensive or filled with side effects? Or am I doomed to finally have found love, and never have a pet cat again?

  9. Ahhh. I used to have a kitty named Smudge as well, but he wore a tuxedo like HG. He had a “smudge” of white along his backbone. It’s a great cat name.

  10. On the bathroom reading…I’m not usually in there for very long, but I like to have something to read. I keep the Kraft recipe magazine, Wegmans recipe mag, Everyday Food, Cooking light or whatever recipe/cooking material in the magazine rack in the bathroom. I tend to look at them when they’re staring me in the face and I usually find a new recipe or idea I want to try. We always have Readers Digest in there too. I never thought about it…maybe reading in the bathroom is not the norm?

  11. Thanks for the heads up on the book! Have you read the Stephenie Meyer series? I love them and now I have to wait until August for the 4th! I couldn’t believe how they sucked me in, it has been a long time since an author could do that.

  12. Your fosters are adorable. But not as adorable as my new fosters! That’s not fair, though, as mine are only four weeks old and are Persian mixes, so they look like fuzzy tennis balls with legs and funny looking tails. I don’t have pictures yet, but I hope to get some soon.

  13. Kay: There’s a 4th coming out??! EEp! Better get cracking on #s 2 and 3. (My son bought me the box set for Christmas, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to read #2 or #3, because I was heartbroken for WEEKS after reading #1 and having to face the cold hard facts that Edward would never be mine. I’m not sure I can take the heartache again.

    Debbie: I think it’s probably the norm, just that a lot of people (like me) don’t like to admit it. Because having anything to read in the bathroom means you’re doing something other than taking a shower, and I NEVER do anything than take a shower in the bathroom! Not MEEEEE!

    My bathroom has only a shower stall, but the front bathroom has a tub. Sometimes I’ll decide to take a soak in the tub and read a book, and what with the drying off and getting dressed and whatnot, I usually forget the book in there. Then I’m mortified if anyone comes over because they’ll think I was reading in the bathroom, which I was, but I wasn’t, you know, reading in the bathroom and the thought of anyone thinking of me doing that is just painfully embarrassing to me. (Yes, I am neurotic, how’d you guess?)

    Anyway, when my brother was about three, he spontaneously took to calling the bathroom the “Golden Reading Room,” and for a while that was our family’s slang for bathroom. Everyone who’s heard it has known EXACTLY what it referred to, so I don’t think it’s all that uncommon a habit…

  14. So, you’re saying “the washingtonienne” is a shitty book? hehehe

    seriously, on the bathroom reading though, I never understood it. I’ve got more comfortable chairs that i’d prefer to sit on when I read.

  15. I love how you are able to openly discuss bathroom reading material. I usually keep a Discover or gardening Magazine under the bathroom counter and out of sight. I’m a ‘closet’ bathroom reader. I think a lot of us ladies are in denial that the whole world realizes that we indeed go number 2. In my defense I do most of my reading while soaking in the tub. Ha.

    Bathroom reading is just another form of multi-tasking. 🙂

    There’s even a weird guy I work with that routinely grabs his daily newspaper or the latest hardcopy thriller, tucks it just so under his left arm and disappears for half and hour or so for his morning constitutional. every. morning. Same time. Srsly, you could set your watch by it. I, in my naivety, never knew that he was off to the bathroom until one day I caught him exiting the Men’s room with said reading material.

    A few weeks later he offered to lend me a popular book he was reading. I politely declined because I knew just where his book had been. 🙂

  16. also for the Friday questions:
    so, seeing that the Washingtonienne is rancid marshmallow fluff, how about dishing on some of the books based on blogs that ARE worth reading, if only in the bathroom?

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