I’m a badass.

Maybe not.

I was born on January 9, 1968 in Bangor, Maine (home of Stephen King!). That makes me a Capricorn and, at this moment, 42 years old. I don’t update this page very often, so I might be older when you read this.

I live in Madison, Alabama with my husband, Fred. We got married on October 31, 1998. It’s my second marriage, his first. We met on the internet in 1996.

We live in a house built in the 1930s, on 4 1/2 acres in Smallville (a pseudonym), Alabama. I call our home Crooked Acres. Having spent the first eight years of our marriage in the suburbs living in cookie-cutter houses on small parcels of land, we were more than ready for space and a house with character. We got that in spades.

We have a varying number (every damn time I specify how many cats we have, the number goes UP) of cranky cats who live indoors with us, and two three more who live outside (two left behind by the people who sold us this house, one who showed up a few years later); I talk about them waaaaay too much. If you don’t like cats or cat pictures, be warned: there are tons of cat stories and cat pictures in this journal. I won’t be changing that for you.

We have chickens, who provide us with eggs and with meat. We also raise pigs and yes, we eat them as well. Please don’t whine at me about how you can’t believe we could ever eat our own chickens and pigs. We have no interest in becoming vegan or vegetarian, and this way we know that the meat we eat has lived a happy life and was treated with respect until the moment of slaughter. I know the pigs and chickens are cute; they’re also quite tasty. I myself find baby spinach ADORABLE and can’t believe you’d cold heartedly eat something so cute.

It’s a journal, not a blog.

A few years ago, Fred and I were on Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! on Showtime. You can read about that beginning here. We were in the episode called “Eat This!

I have one younger sister and, technically, two older brothers. My father was in the Air Force until I was 12 or so, and then he retired to Lisbon Falls, Maine, which I consider my hometown. They still live there and I visit every year.

Places I have lived: Bangor, Maine; Goosebay, Labrador (Canada); some base in Indiana; Kinchloe AFB, Michigan; Guam; Loring AFB, Maine; Lisbon Falls, Brunswick, and Bath, Maine; Middletown, Rhode Island.

Miscellaneous (yet fascinating) facts:

I am 5’5″ tall and overweight. I have a rarely-updated weight loss-related journal here. I had gastric bypass surgery at the end of January 2005 and have lost 150+ pounds.

I’ve been going gray since I was 16. I’ve been coloring my hair since I was about 22. If I were to let my hair grow out, I’d be about two-thirds gray.

I was previously married for 8 years.

I can wiggle my ears. So can my daughter.

I can raise one eyebrow (my left). My daughter cannot.

I can be a total airhead. But don’t underestimate me.

I love seafood and would happily eat lobster 5 days a week, and shrimp and raw oysters the other two.

I used to be addicted to regular Coca-Cola to the point if there was no Coke in the house I’d get frantic and bitchy. I gave up the Coke habit for Diet Coke in June of 2000 (a hard habit to kick), and now regular Coke tastes funny to me.

I read a lot. Nothing classical, mostly trashy best-seller fiction. And magazines.

My favorite books, ever, are The Stand by Stephen King and Swan Song by Robert McCammon.

If Stephen King ever tried to sell his laundry list, I’d be first in line to buy it.

I like to play with kitty toes; the kitties who possess these toes usually aren’t crazy about that.

I’m not a web designer. Therefore, this page will never have any fancy backgrounds or frames or anything that requires the least bit of skill. Get used to it.

Answers to some Frequently Asked Questions:

1. Fred and I sleep in separate bedrooms. We like it that way, we both sleep better that way, it works for us, and it doesn’t mean our marriage is in trouble (sorry to disappoint). It bothers a lot of people that we sleep in separate rooms, for some reason. I consider that their problem, not ours.

2. We are never going to have any children together. We both parent my daughter from my first marriage, and have no desire to have any more. Fred had a vasectomy to be sure that no accidents happened, and I had a hysterectomy in February 2010.

3. Fred’s nickname for me is “Bessie.” He used to call all his favorite things (his computer, his car) Bessie; he started calling me Bessie when I moved in with him, and stopped calling anything else Bessie, because I’m his favorite favorite thing. At least that’s what he tells me.

4. I swear a lot. A LOT. I use foul language for various reasons. When I’m mad, when I’m annoyed, when I want to make a point, when I’m having fun with it. Sometimes I don’t even notice the bad words, and if I did, I probably wouldn’t think twice about them. I guess I use foul language because I can, and if it bothers you, well, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Seriously, if the language bothers you, there’s no reason in the world to be reading my journal – there are thousands of them out there, and I’m certain that lots of them wouldn’t dream of swearing. Also? You don’t need to email me and tell me you’re no longer reading because my language offends you; I don’t give a shit.

5. I don’t work and I don’t intend to look for work anytime soon, though if I get bored enough I might. I used to work at Fred’s company as his office manager, but I quit that job and haven’t worked since. I don’t want to work, Fred doesn’t care if I work, and we’re both happy with the situation.