Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted. (A salted. GET IT???) Kills me every time.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but cellophane underwear. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says,
“I can clearly see you’re nuts.
A little Polar Bear came home from school one day and asked his mother if he was really a polar bear. She was shocked and assured him that he was indeed a Polar Bear.
This continued to happen over the next few days, with the little polar bear asking if his parents are really and truly polar bears, if his grandparents are really and truly polar bears and so on.
He came to his mother again and asked, Mom, are you absolutely certain that I am 100% full blooded polar bear?”. His mother finally snaps, “Yes, you’re a polar bear. Your father and I are both polar bears. All your grandparents are polar bears. Why do you keep asking this?”.
He says, ‘Because I’m fucking freezing!’.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dyslexic cow.
Dyslexic cow who?
Oom!
Two elderly women are grocery shopping together. One looks over and sees her friend with two baking potatoes, one in each hand. She looks sad. “Gladys! What are you doing? Are you okay?” Myra asks.
Gladys sighs and rolls the potatoes over in her hands. “These potatoes remind me of my dear, departed Henry’s testicles,” she replies. Myra’s eyes fly wide open. “Oh my goodness, Gladys, were they that big?”
“No, they were that dirty.”
Why did the pony clear his throat?
Because he’s a little horse(hoarse).
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Two goldfish were in a tank. One turns to the other and says. I’ll man the porthole if you man the guns.
A man was driving down a country road when he saw a brand new house with a fenced in yard, and in the yard was a pig, with a wooden leg. The man was so intrigued by this pig with the wooden leg that he pulled over, went to the door of the house and knocked. When the farmer answered the door, the man said “I must inquire about this pig you have with a wooden leg!” The farmer said “It’s quite the story. You see- about three months ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a scratching and squealing sound on my bedroom door. It seems that my house was on fire, and this pig not only busted down the front door and found me in my bed to wake me up, he also helped drag my kids out of the house and saved my dog too. He’s a real hero!” The inquiring man said “Oh my, that’s unbelievable! And so I take it the pig was injured in the fire?” The farmer said, “No, but when you have a pig that amazing, you just can’t bear to eat him all at once!”
3 gals were sitting around talking about their husbands but it was getting confusing because all the husbands were named Bubba. So they decided they’d name their Bubbas after a soda pop. The first gal says I’d name my Bubba Mt Dew, cuz he’s built like a mountain and likes to do it. After some giggling the second gal says I’d name my Bubba 7-up, cuz it takes him 7 seconds to get it up. More giggling. After some thinking the third gal says I’d name my Bubba Jack Daniels. The other 2 gals say Jack Daniels, that’s a hard liquor, and the third gal says That’s My Bubba.
Why did the turtle cross the road???
To get to the SHELL station!!!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
After being absent for a day a boy returns to school and his teacher asks him, “Bubba, where were you yesterday?” and Bubba replies, “I had to take our bull over to Farmer Brown to service his cows.” Teacher responds, “Well Bubba, couldn’t your daddy have done that?” “No ma’am,” Bubba explains,”he ain’t registered.”
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
A guy was speeding down the road when he got radar-d by a cop. As he was pulling over the cop noticed that there were 4 penguins in the back seat of the car. The cop started asking why the driver had penguins in his car but the guy had no good answers. Finally, the cop said that he’d let the driver off with only the speeding ticket if he promised to take the penguins immediately to the zoo. The driver agreed and drove off with his ticket. The next weekend, the cop was radar-ing again and saw the same car speeding by. As he pulled over the car, the penguins were once again in the back seat but this time they were wearing sunglasses. Now the cop was mad. He said, “What the heck are you doing with these penguins? I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?” The driver responded, “I did. And today we’re going to the beach!”
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?