seen on the sign outside my vet’s office :

"We are Y2K9 and Meowlinneum Ready"

I was sound asleep, snoozing hard, at 6:15 this morning, with the kitten laying snug on my arm directly in front of my face, warming my nose with her fuzzy little tummy, when the phone rang. The first ring scared the bejesus out of the kitten, and she ran in place for a few seconds, then used her lethal little claws to get some traction, and ran like a bat out of hell across the room and out the door, leaving painful scratches on the tender underside of my upper arm and a very special cat-fart stench in the air. The second ring found me writhing around on the bed, yelling "What the fuck? What the fuck?" at the top of my lungs and trying to untangle myself from the sheets. The third ring found me finally untangling myself, and throwing myself toward the edge of the bed. The fourth ring found me fumbling the phone from it’s base and trying to figure out how to turn it on. Unlike normal cordless phones, the piece of crap in the bedroom neither automatically picks up the call when you remove it from the base, nor does it light up so that you can identify and push the correct button to answer the call. After ring number four, the answering machine picked up, and whoever was thoughtful enough to call me at 6-fucking-15 in the morning hung up without leaving a motherfucking message.

I was a tad peeved.

I just knew it had to be Fred calling, wanting me to pick something up for him on my way into work, or bring something in, or something else he could have waited another half hour to call and request. Swearing up a storm – and making up a few new swear words in the process – I dialled his number at work.

His voicemail picked right up, which meant he was on the phone. I dialled again, and this time his answering machine -which meant he’d stepped away from his desk – answered. I left him a snotty "Please call me!" message, and hung up. I waited a few minutes, then decided to hit *69, to make sure it was he who had called.

It wasn’t.

In fact, it was his partner calling from home. He later told Fred that he’d accidentally hit "redial" on his phone, and the last number he’d dialled was our home number. He later apologized profusely for waking me up, but I could see he didn’t mean it.

The bastard.

Perhaps because of the burst of adrenalin caused by such an awakening, I felt – and continue to feel – great. I’m coughing up big globs of plegm – aren’t you jealous? – which is a good thing, since they’re productive coughs. Soon, I won’t be coughing at all, and my left ear will be completely unclogged!

A girl can dream …

While I was cleaning out the litter box this morning before my shower, I was overcome by the stench and reeled around the hallway gagging loudly and coughing. So much for that "long-lasting odor control for multiple cats", eh? And I just changed the litter a month ago…

Just kidding! It was the week before last, I think, and the cats create so many clumps every day that I’ve added an entire new container of litter to the box over the last week. You’d think that would help. You would be wrong. So I stopped by the grocery store on the way home to purchase three more jugs of multiple-cat litter. The expensive kind, even.

Speaking of the cats, we’ve noticed that Spot has been limping, so Fred took him to the vet today. The vet checked out his paw and took some x-rays, and decided the problem was a ligament or tendon, so he gave Spot a cortisone shot. Spot responded by peeing all over the exam-room table.

That’s our boy!

What kind of dog are you?

I’m a basset hound.

You are one laid-back individual! You cherish your "down time" and treasure the moments that you have no responsibility to anyone but your couch and TV set. You are easy to get along with and are extremely low maintenance. You probably love to hang out with your friends, as long as it is in a low-key environment. Although some might consider you lazy, you prefer to think of yourself as "relaxed." Your no-frills approach to life makes you a refreshing friend to all.

They’ve got the "relaxed" right, that’s for sure. The "no-frills approach to life" sounds like me, too.

Perhaps not coincidentally, my celebrity dream-man is Danny DeVito. Rhea Perlman, watch out!

Based on your responses, we sense the desire for strong-willed man, perhaps even a little gruff, who’s really just cute and cuddly on this inside. Your choices reflect an appreciation for someone who doesn’t take things too seriously, and knows how to just have a good time. We think you’re perfect for someone just like Danny DeVito! This pint-sized man will surprise you with his big, strong demeanor and his burly ways. His strength and masculinity is hidden beneath his compact physique, but his talent, sarcasm, and humor will knock your socks off. This once-accomplished hairdresser turned actor will woo you with his raspy voice, and the silky black underwear he likes to wear to bed. And take note – in the case of Mr. DeVito, size does not matter.

I think I’m going to go order pizza for dinner. Y’all have a good night/day/whatever, now, y’hear?