Poo hair Slurp water through long straw. Chew furiously on tiny piece of Trident White gum until it loses its flavor. Pet Poo with left hand while working mouse with right. Get mouthful of Poo hair in mouth. Swear, try to spit it out, and gulp down some water. Feel Poo hairs clinging to the back of your throat. Try to ignore. Successfully ignore until Poo sneezes in your face. Wonder if it’s almost time for lunch. Lunch: Get out the fixin’s for your favorite lunch. Pita pocket? Check. Pizza Quick sauce? Check. Mushrooms? Check. Fat-free shredded mozzarella? Mozzarella? Where is the mozzarella? Pick up phone. Dial husband at work. When he picks up, ask “Upon penalty of death, where is the shredded mozzarella I needed for my pita pizza?” Long pause. Long, long pause. Hear husband say “Boy, it’s hot in here, isn’t it?” Discover that husband is a rat bastard who STOLE your last little serving of fat-free shredded mozzarella for his own rat-bastard purposes. Threaten death. Call him names. Threaten painful death. Whine about the lack of mozzarella. When he offers that you could use the cheddar, whine that it wouldn’t be the same, and he’s a bastard and you hate him. Hang up the phone and seethe with hatred. Put the backup lunch plan into motion. Homemade French Fries 1 potato Olive Oil Pam Slice potato into french-fry-sized pieces (if you are very anal and counting calories, recall that 5 1/4 oz. of potato = 100 calories, and weigh it on your handy-dandy food scale). If you prefer thin fries, cut ’em thin, if you prefer thick ones, cut ’em thick. Place on baking sheet. Spray with Olive Oil Pam. Put in 475� oven. Set timer for 20 minutes (you can check the color and consistency of the fries during those 20 minutes if you want, but 20 minutes seems to work out pretty well for medium-thickness fries). When fries are done cooking, place on plate. Cover with 45 cups of ketchup, and tell yourself that that looks like it’s about 2 Tablespoons (which equals 30 calories). Make rest of lunch. Ham and Cheese Sandwich 2 slices whole wheat bread 2 slices cooked ham 1 slice nonfat american cheese 1 leaf of romaine lettuce dab of reduced-fat mayo slightly larger dab of spicy Boar’s Head mustard Line one piece of bread with mayo, the other with mustard. On mayo’d bread layer one slice of ham, the piece of cheese, other slice of ham, and then romaine lettuce leaf. Top with mustard’d bread, mustard-side down. Place sandwich on plate next to french fries (steal a french fry to eat, to tide you over until lunch is ready). Place a paper towel on the plate next to the sandwich. Dig three slices of Claussen Bread and Butter pickle out of jar, and lay on the paper towel (this makes it so that no pickle juice soaks into the bread of your sandwich). Take cereal bowl out of cupboard. Take prepared bag of salad out of the refrigerator. Be struck anew at the horror of having your mozzarella stolen by that rat-bastard. Allow yourself a small sob before moving on. Fill cereal bowl with baby romaine leaves. Drizzle approximately 1 T. Kraft Light Done Right 3-Cheese Ranch dressing on top of salad. Set bowl to one side. Try to decide what the fruit for the meal will be. Eye bowl full of lovely, plump black grapes. Eye not-quite-ripe peach sitting on the counter. Grab 1/2-cup measuring cup and measure out 1/2 cup of grapes (57 calories). Put in small glass bowl. Carry all dishes over to the table. Grab can of Diet Coke out of the refrigerator, pour into cup. Add 2 ice cubes. Carry over to table. Look for book. Find book. Set book on table. Look for hair clip. Find hair clip. Clip hair back. Sit down and eat while reading in this order: Salad, grapes, put salad and grape dishes in the sink, rinse grape goo off hands (one of the grapes was overripe). Eat sandwich, pickles, and french fries together (bite of sandwich, chew, swallow, bite of pickle, chew, swallow, french fry, chew, swallow, slurp of Diet Coke, etc.). When done eating, put dishes in dishwasher. Pour second Diet Coke. Record list of food eaten, along with calorie counts. Start dishwasher, grab Fudgesicle (60 calories) out of freezer, and head for the computer. Eat Fudgesicle and drink Diet Coke. Dinner Mini Meat Loaves 2/3 c. ketchup, divided 1/3 c. chopped scallions 1/4 c. egg beaters or 1 whole egg 1/2 t. salt 1/2 t. minced garlic 1 1/4 lb. ground round 1/2 c. quick cooking oats Line a pan with foil. Mix all ingredients; put 1/3 c. ketchup to the side. Mix well. Shape 4 equal loaves in pan. Brush loaves with remaining ketchup. Bake 25 – 30 minutes at 400. (454 calories per loaf) Except, instead of cooking two of those loaves, freeze them before they’re cooked. The spud doesn’t like meat loaf, so she’ll be eating a hamburger. While meat loaves are cooking, wash 2 large potatoes; cut into several large pieces (yes, leave the peel on. Those peels are a good source of fiber). Place in pot; fill with water. Put on stove, turn eye on high until water comes to a boil. Turn to medium. Peel 9 large carrots. Cut into 1″ pieces. Place in pot, fill with water. Cut medium-sized onion into small pieces; add to pot with carrots. Put pot on stove, turn eye on high and leave there. Five minutes before the mini meat loaves are done, put small pan on stove; add spud’s hamburger. Fry, occasionally flipping, until done. When mini meat loaves are done, take out of the oven to cool. Burn hand on cookie sheet. Swear loudly. Call husband (that damn mozzarella eater. Damn him!) names, because he deserves it. Bastard. Drain potatoes. Add to large mixing bowl, start mixer. Drain carrots and leave in drainer. Note that mixer stopped moving because the beaters are clogged up with potatoes. Add skim milk, salt, and pepper until the potatoes are whipped to a mashed-potato-like consistency. Call family to dinner. Listen to husband fart. Watch daughter laugh. Roll eyes and feel certain that YOUR mozzarella is what’s making him fart like that. Snack 1 box of Publix Bran Flakes 1 large container of raisins 1 carton of skim milk 3 packets of splenda 1 cereal bowl Measure out 2 cups of Bran Flakes; place in bowl. Measure out 1/8 cup of raisins; place atop Bran Flakes. Measure out 1 cup skim milk, pour atop Bran Flakes and raisins. Tear open packets of splenda and sprinkle over Bran Flakes, raisins, and milk. Grab large spoon out of drawer, and eat snack in front of the television. Yum. Finish bowl of cereal, and sit back, certain that you can feel those bran flakes moving through your digestive tract like little plows, pushing all previously-eaten food ahead of it. Gotta love the fiber. Even though none of the food it’s pushing along is mozzarella. Damn him.]]>