Plain Janie-Jane, I read this little tidbit: Influenza is an upper respiratory disease. If you are having bowel rumblings, or throwing up, I’m sorry for you, and here’s some Pepto, but homies, you have a stomach virus, NOT INFLUENZA. Seriously? I did NOT know that! When I was in kindergarten (ugh. THIRTY years ago, that was!), I was out of school for a few days due to what my mother told me was the flu. When I got back to school, one of my classmates (a boy. I don’t recall his name, but I do remember that he was a twin! Also, I believe my teacher’s name was Mrs. Radecki. How can I possibly have retained this information?) said “Why were you gone for two days?” And I said “I had the flu.” The boy said “Did you have diarrhea?” Aghast and horrified that he would ask such a personal question, I said “NO!” “Well,” he said, all smug and certain of his facts. “If you didn’t have DIARRHEA, then it was NOT the flu! It’s just a cold!” Thus ever since, all these many years, I have thought “Do I have diarrhea? Why, no. I have just a nasty cough that is laying me out flat. Must be a cold.” It’s true. You DO learn something new every day. That Jane is quite educational, even if she does mock my misuse of it’s. (I mean, seriously. Until otherwise informed by Fred earlier this year, I thought an apostrophe followed by an s shows possession. And it does, but it is one of those fucking exceptions. Fucking it. So if it’s cannot be replaced by it is or it was in your sentence, there should be no damn apostrophe. Fucking apostrophe. Fucking possession. Fucking lax public school English teachers. (Or, more likely, fucking me, for not paying attention when that was covered.) This has been your educational lesson for the day. Perhaps we’ll cover the site vs. sight distinction another day.) Also regarding Jane, here’s another reason to laugh at me. I thought Jane CREATED the word metrosexual. Seriously, because she’s the first one I heard it from. And then I started reading it everywhere and I thought “Damn but that Jane has some serious social influence!” Duh. Of course, for many years I also thought my brother Tracy created the word “fart”, because I can CLEARLY remember the four of us (my two brothers, Debbie, and I) standing in the basement in base housing in Kinchl0e AFB in Michigan with Tracy saying “It’s called a FART.” No doubt my mother had been teaching us to say “I passed gas!” for the majority of our formative years like she did with the spud and Brian. Apparently I’ve always been a bit clueless.
Tubs, hanging out.
No doubt looking for the perfect place to pee. Bastard.