2004-06-25

I, on the other hand, am a badass. I laugh in the face of the burning Lidocaine shots in the tender skin of my back! Haha! WHAT pain?” The doctor and the nurse were suitably impressed. “Why, you could PROBABLY do this whole operation without numbing the area at ALL, because I am SUCH a badass! But I know how you doctors like to wield those needles…” The nurse and I gave each other knowing looks. “Can you feel this? Or this?” The doctor said, apparently jabbing me in numbed areas. “Not at all,” I said. “But I’m such a BADASS that even if I completely felt that, I probably wouldn’t tell you! Because I LAUGH -” “-in the face of pain,” the nurse completed in a bored monotone. “Yeah, we know.” I heard the clank of instruments, and then saw a scalpel go by my face. We chatted while the big hunk of skin was removed from my back, and I mentioned the many sunburns I’d suffered as a child living in Guam, and how no doubt I was going to die from the skin cancer because my PARENTS DON’T LOVE ME, but that was okay, that was just FINE, because I am a badass, and I laugh – “in the face of pain?” the doctor suggested. “No! In the face of death! Ha! Ha!” A huge hunk of skin went through my line of vision, and the doctor placed it in a cup of some sort of liquid so that it could be sent to the lab and tested. “Make sure you tell them I’m a badass!” I insisted. “Yeah, I’ll get right on THAT,” the nurse said. “Okay,” the doctor said, and I saw more metal go by my face. As she worked, she gave me care instructions for the wound that she was stitching up. “Keep it covered for twenty-four hours,” she said. “After that, put Neosporin or Bactriban on it, and keep it covered for three days with a band-aid.” I immediately discarded the idea of keeping it covered for twenty-four hours, because I AM A BADASS, and BADASSES love their BBC “Coupling”, and the only time I allow my badass self to watch “Coupling” is when I’m on the badass elliptical trainer (how, after all, do you think I STAY such a badass?), and after I kick ass on the elliptical trainer, I’ll have to take a shower, which will entail getting the wound wet, which will entail replacing the bandage. But I’m a badass. I can handle it. The doctor began stitch number two. “And then you need to come back in ten days to have the stitches removed.” “I am SUCH a badass that instead of coming back in to have YOU remove my stitches, I’ll probably just take them out MYSELF with a pair of rusty scissors!” Somehow the nurse and doctor seemed less than impressed. “So, are you working tomorrow?” the doctor asked as she began stitch number three. “No,” I said. “I don’t work. I don’t HAVE TO. I’m such a badass my husband throws money at me every time he sees me! Sometimes I even pay the bills with it!” “And what did you do when you worked?” said the nurse. “I was an office manager,” I said, and then reflected upon what I said. “But I was a BADASS office manager. I made people CRY when I sneered at them!” Suddenly I felt a tugging sensation on my back. “Hey,” I said. “I felt THAT.” The nurse smiled. “We’re allllmost done. Just hold on to your badass horses!” I heard the snipping sound as she cut the ends off stitch number three. “So, did you like your job?” the doctor asked. “Yeah, pretty much except for when – JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK?! OH MY GOD! WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCKING HELL WAS THAT??” I flailed around. “OW! OW! OUCH, GODDAMNIT!” “Oh,” the doctor said mildly. “I guess you felt that one too, huh? Good thing you’re such a badass. If you weren’t, I might numb the area a little more! You’re going to feel a little tugging…” “OWWWWW! OWWWWW! OH GODDAMN, MAKE IT STOP!” I screamed and flailed some more. “Hold her down,” the doctor ordered, not sounding nice in the least. The nurse threw herself across me to hold me down. I flailed the best I could, but the nurse was stronger than I’d expected. “Just one more!” the doctor said cheerily. “OWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWW! GODDAMNIT FUCKING HELL YOU BITCH I HATE YOU OWWWWWWWWWWWW!” “There,” the doctor said a few minutes later. “All done! That wasn’t so bad, was it? After ALL, you’re… what’s the word?” “A badass,” the nurse contributed. “I AM a badass!” I sniffled. “I am!” They snickered at me for a few more minutes, then I got dressed and left. Upon rethinking the incident, I am reassured that I really am the badass I keep insisting I am. Why? Because anyone ELSE would have passed out or even died from the pain, but me? Just a little yelling. A little sobbing. A little wailing and flailing. That’s right.

I’m a badass.
* * *
Seriously, though, I did feel the last three stitches go in, and while I was stoic and didn’t even flinch, it HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. It’s hurting today, too, even though I’ve taken Aleve. Q. Guess what makes a big ol’ wound in your back hurt? A. Sweat. Q. Guess what makes you (me) sweat a LOT? A. Doing the elliptical trainer for an hour. Q. Guess what sucks more than being on the elliptical trainer for an hour and sweating and making the big wound on your back hurt? A. Getting up at 4:50 am to do it, so that your husband (who I’m SURE will write a frickin’ SONG about it) will be around when you get out of the shower and can put ointment and a big band-aid over said big nasty wound. Yeah. That just SUCKED, because after I showered I couldn’t get back to sleep like I’d intended. Not only am I a BADASS, I’m a DEDICATED badass. You know you tremble in fear of me. How do you think I STAY such a badass? I have to keep in shape (hey… round is a shape!) so I can kick ass in a badass manner when it’s required! Keeping in mind that it’s bloody and gross and made Fred want to run around in circles and scream like a little girl, you can see a picture of my stitched-up wound here.
* * *
I made a cake – a poppy seed cake – this morning, and the house smells SO GOOD. I swear, if they made a perfume that smelled like cinnamon and sugar, I’d buy and wear it. Also, Meester Boogers has cake mix atop his little head, because he’s a nosy little bastard and stuck his head under the mixing beater (after I’d already mixed the cake and was pouring it into the cake pan). And for the record, he apparently likes cake mix, because not only did he lick a small amount up off the counter, but he spent the next fifteen minutes giving me the “More? Please? For a poor starving kitty?”
* * *
I sure do wish it’d STOP FUCKING RAINING.
* * *
Fred and I worked out together this morning (if “together” means “in the same room”), and I was watching the last episode of “Coupling”, season 1, and Fred actually laughed out loud not just once, but TWICE. I was actually a little surprised, because I didn’t think it would appeal to him. Maybe I can convince him to watch season 2 with me! (Not going to hold my breath, though…)
* * *
I hope to spend a good part of my weekend doing this. Not this, though. I don’t think I’d be comfortable in that particular position. ]]>

24 thoughts on “2004-06-25”

  1. Awww. . . but you’re such a CUTE Badass, Badass!
    Meester Boogity Boogers reminds me of Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes, with all of those lanky poses!

  2. Ok Robyn- i’ve been reading about that damn poppy seed cake (heh i typed poopy seed the first time!)for some time, now… and so i’m going to make one today. IMPORTANT Question here, which do you prefer white or chocolate…which is best? (i assume you put the white/yellow together or the choc/choc together) Yah, i’m an idiot, but please spell it out for me, so i can make it so good, my family fights over it too!
    Thanks!

  3. Hey. You sure have a lot of freckles. Does Fred ever play “connect the dots?” Hee. Your brother has a lot of freckles too, and it’s one of my FAVORITE games! Would you like to hear about it…in detail? No?
    Hope your back is all better soon. Tell your parasite-ridden hubby I said hey.

  4. Did you make those evil medical people stitch up your lip so you could pretend you were a real bad ass? I don’t think it’s gonna work 🙂

  5. Mo – he does, doesn’t he?! And he’s always in uncomfortable, contorted positions, and happy as a clam. Heh.
    Donna – I, personally, prefer the yellow cake (with vanilla pudding), which is what I made today (because I had yellow cake mix in the cupboard). Fred prefers the lemon cake mix with vanilla pudding, and it *is* pretty damn good. We’ve never tried the chocolate, though – neither of us is a big chocolate lover – we might try it in the future, though!
    Kate – Connect the dots? Not on my BACK…. 😛

  6. Ami – my complexion’s actually not all that great – I’m just kind of tan (that’s tan, for me. Heh.) and that covers an amazing number of flaws. 🙂
    Nance – Hee! You crack me UP.
    Lex – any time. 😛

  7. Robyn, Yucky owy! I had WL surgery on May 24th and now have a 5 inch scar running up my abdomen. Instead of stitches, they covered it with what looked like packing tape and that stuck really well to it until they peeled it off. THEN my wound looked pink and tender and yucky.
    Also, our cat Daisy sleeps in positions similar to your Stanley. Her favorite is to sleep upside down on her back with her front paws thrown over her head. So cute!
    Have a great weekend!

  8. Sorry, I know it’s not RobIn, it’s RobYn. Please don’t tell me to eat shit and die. It’s just a tiny mistake. Plus I can’t help it your mother gave you that name.

  9. Becky – I was able to get to the Friday Foofah page, but it apparently hasn’t been updated since last Friday. 🙂 Also, I actually blame my damn uncle for the spelling of my name since it was *his* idea. I WAS going to be a Kimberly. Hmph.

  10. Robyn,
    Today was an awful day since my son, our last child, moved away from home. I was feeling sad and blue until I read your account of what happened at the doctor’s office. I am sorry for any pain you had to endure but thanks so much for making me feel much better today. You brightened my day!!!

  11. hey you BADASS BABE! I hope your back feels better soon…
    I agree about your kitty looking like Hobbes. I have thought that for a while now.
    RAIN??? We here in Kalamazoo MI have had, like, 873 inches of rain so far this season. Yesterday the temp was only 49 !! Usually it’s 95 with 100% humidity by now, so I am NOT bitching. I don’t do sticky humidity well.
    Thanks for the laugh and hey, go on with your BADASS self, now.
    heee!

  12. I know this is going to sound like motherly advice but, don’t go swimming in the quarry ’til the stitches are out. There’s some nasty bacteria in fresh water.
    I agree with Debbie, your journal always makes me laugh.
    Hope you heal quick!

  13. Robyn! How about a little warning next time before you post a picture that funny? People look at me strangely when I laugh that loudly at work, and I can’t really say, “Well, um, I was just laughing at Robyn’s badass face.”

  14. I am humbled and bow down to Robyn, the Queen of the Badasses!!!!!
    Could you go have my biopsies for me? Please? I am not a badass..:(

  15. Hi there Robyn,
    Sorry about your skin gouging. I definitely would have been one of those wussy people. 🙂 Just wanted to let you know that Demeter makes Cinnamon Bun perfume (which would probably be pretty close to cinnamon sugar) as well as Apple pie perfume. They have all sorts of cool ones, including Cosmopolitan (for Nance), birthday cake, and even dirt! heh. Anyway, here is a link for a site that carries them:
    http://www.fashion-planet.com/shopping/demeter/collection.html
    Enjoy!

  16. That face cracks me up! The badass thing was a hoot and hope your back gets better soon, next time he tries to stitch anything up, and your laying on your stomache kick like a mule and get the crotch, they hate that! They see who helps in pain!

  17. Badass channeling Elvis? You’ve been in the south too long my dear…!
    Cheryl, who was supposed to be a Charlotte until my parents sobered up!

  18. Unlurking to say –
    The Poppy Seed cake is very very good using:
    A butter pecan cake mix (betty c I think) and
    coconut cream instant pudding.
    And since I’m commenting for the first time, thanks for all the great writing, Robyn. You rock!

  19. WOW.. You ARE a bad ass! You no doubt entertained the doc and nurse. Probably a nice change from the hero worship they usually get 🙂

Comments are closed.