8/19/05 – Bitchypoo

Kill Reality since it came on. A show comprised of reality stars who sit around and act like giant pains in the ass? GIMME SOME OF THAT. So far I’m enjoying it, especially since Reichen can’t seem to keep his shirt on. That is one good-looking gay man, and I don’t give a shit if he’s gay or not; that diminishes my appreciation of his partial nekkidness not one iota. It squicks me out, on the other hand, that anyone on the face of this earth could be ATTRACTED to Jonny Fairplay. I’d let Cape Fear DeNiro rub his liver lips all over my face before I’d so much as be in the same room as the repulsive Jonny Fairplay. WHO HAS THE STUPIDEST NAME ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET, BY THE WAY. Tanya (Tonya? Tonia? Ever how the fuck you spell it) is adorable, but my lord that girl has issues. Plus, she’s attracted to Jonny Fairplay, so clearly she’s completely insane. I know nothin’ about Trishelle (I stopped watching all the Real World/ Road Rules shows and all combinations thereof around… let me think. I watched them somewhat steadily through to.. Hawaii? Were they in Hawaii? With the girl who had the drinking problem and they had the intervention? I missed a few seasons up to then, but that was the very last one I watched, anyway.), but she’s got the skank lines rolling off her, doesn’t she? I found Tanya/ Tonya/ Tonia annoying until Trishelle showed up, and then all my annoyance was transferred to Trishelle. My favorite part of the show thus far is when all the women were matter-of-factly sitting around talking about their boob jobs. Oh, and if someone could smack Jenna Lewis really hard for me, I’d be ever so grateful. Where does the porn tape queen get off on feeling like she’s too good for Trishelle’s “scraps”, anyway? (Jenna Lewis porn: the most boring porn in existence.)

* * * Why has no one ever directed me toward the fabulous I, Asshole? Is it because y’all think I spend too goddamn much time sitting on my fat ass in front of the computer? Because that’s true, but that’s no excuse. I had to up and discover her on my own, and I hold you all responsible for the fact that I spent two hours reading part of her archives yesterday instead of napping with the kittens. I have such a hectic life that when I miss a two-hour kitten-induced nap, it makes a huge difference. Why, I’ll probably have to get 12 hours of sleep tonight instead of my usual 10, just to make up for it! * * * So, tell me this, y’all. Is it okay to eat kale raw, or will it have disastrous effects on my digestive system? I was thinking of adding some to my lunchtime salad to add some zing to it, but if I’ll be paying for it later in the day, I’ll give it a miss. * * * Last night Fred and I were laying in bed and I was singing that damn Big & Rich song that will NOT leave my head, and I came to the line about “gigging frogs”, and I had to stop and ask Fred just what exactly the hell gigging frogs might entail. I had an idea in the back of my mind somewhere that it involved nighttime and flashlights, but knew nothing beyond that. Well. Apparently gigging frogs is going out at night with a flashlight and a three-pronged spear, shining the light to locate frogs, and STABBING THEM WITH THE SPEAR so you can take them home and eat frog’s legs. That’s certainly romantic. I can understand why the girl in the song was so overcome with lust – between the frog-gigging, the introduction to the old bird dog, and the Willie Nelson songs, what girl wouldn’t be overcome? I ran across this site while I was searching for more information about gigging frogs (a search I gave up pretty quickly, ’cause I felt sorry for the damn frogs, minding their own business one minute and being stabbed by a spear the next), and check out this line-by-line translation of the slang in the song. It makes me laugh, because I imagine a guy in a suit and tie in front of a whiteboard, saying “Now, in the line where Misters Big and Rich mention Willie Nelson, the point therein is that Wilie Nelson is a famous country singer. Gigging frogs, bird dogs and Willie Nelson are all associated with country people – the singer uses these activities to impress this woman that he is really a cowboy.” I also particularly enjoy the translation of Radiohead’s Creep. Seriously, who thought that it needed to be translated? It seems pretty forward to me. I’d think that most everyone knows that “so fuckin’ special” translates to “very special”, but I suppose I could be wrong on that score. Speaking of frog legs, have I ever mentioned that two years ago when we went to Vicksburg, Mississsippi, I had frog legs a couple of times? (Actually, I see in the entry I wrote about the trip that I did, in fact, I mention it.) Which reminds me – Fred told me last night that he might have to go back to Vicksburg in the next month or two, and then he did the ha-ha-ha dance that goes “IIIIIIIII get to eat at the Huuuuuuuuungry Fishermaaaaaan, and youuuuuuuuuuuuu donnnnnnnnnn’t, ’cause you said you never wanted to set foot in Mississippi agaaaaaaain, ha-ha-ha!” I felt not one iota of jealousy, because Mississippi in August is hot as fuck, and I truly never want to go back there during the summer, if ever. Nothing personal, Mississippians. * * * We had a gorgeous sunset last night.

* * * I weighed the kittens last night. Would you believe that Rambo gained THIRTEEN OUNCES over the past week? That puts both of them well over two pounds, which means they can be spayed and neutered. They’re still recovering from their upper respiratory infections, though, so I’m going to wait until they’ve recovered to call and make the appointment. We decided last night that, as piggy as he is, “Wilbur” would be a good name for Rambo. Fred also thinks that “Worm” would be a good name, too. Which I have to agree with, ’cause Rambo DOES look like a Worm. A good name for Jodie would be Nellie, ’cause she’s a nervous nellie. She’s not skittish, exactly, but any unexpected loud noises will send her running for cover under a chair or the couch.

I’m uncertain how this happened. We left the room, and Mister Boogers was asleep in the bed, and Rambo was snoozing on the couch. We came back ten minutes later, and this is what we saw.