* * * I hardly think there could possibly be any more random facts about me that y’all don’t know, but what the hell – I’ve been tagged, and I’m game. Let’s see what I come up with, shall we? 1. My favorite part of going out to dinner is having leftovers for lunch the next day. I’d eat out for dinner every night and eat leftovers for lunch every single day, if given the choice. 2. When I get something stuck to my hand and it won’t fling off – like a little piece of plastic from a tampon or a grocery bag – I try flinging it off twice and then I get really annoyed and I yell “COME ON!” like the guy in the best! video! ever! (only I sound more pissed off than he does) and I fling my hand out really hard, and always the little piece of plastic is frightened by my anger and flies off my hand. 3. I subscribe to Consumer Reports and paid the $19 yearly fee so that I can access all the members-only parts of their web site, but when it comes right down to it, I buy what I wanna buy, no matter what the bastards say. After all, they’re not terribly impressed with the Dyson, and they are WRONG. They couldn’t rave enough about that freakin’ Kenmore Progressive canister vacuum, and I hate the goddamn thing. 4. I am struck with the very strong urge to write a book just so I can name the main character Jug Twitty. I imagine he’d be the hardass – but fair! – sheriff in a small southern town. Y’all don’t fuck with Sheriff Twitty, now. 5. When I am sitting on my ass doing nothing and Fred is outside busting his ass, I almost feel guilty. And then I remember all the ass-busting I did earlier in the day when he was sitting at work busting his ass in a nonphysical manner, and the guiltiness goes far, far away. 6. Ever since I watched the Water Buffalo movie, I have become slightly obsessed with Robert Thompson’s blog, and I’m not sure why. Partly the beautiful pictures from China and partly because of the wry tone of his posts, I suppose. It’s like a hidden gem in the middle of the internet. 7. Seeing what Christa Miller looks like these days causes me actual physical pain. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why women do this to themselves. If I had a nickel for every time I wailed to Fred, “Whyyyyyyyy do they do that? HOW can they think they look okay?!”, I’d be typing this on a beach somewhere whilst being served pina coladas by a nubile manservant.* What gets me the most is the big goddamn rubbery lips some of them go for. People, if you love me you will NEVER have ANYTHING injected in your lips. I myself have the thinnest lips ever slapped onto a person (when god was handing out lips, he got distracted by a fart joke, I think), but I’ll live with the pain. I’d prefer it if y’all never got ANYTHING injected into your faces (HELLEW BOTOX), by the way. And leave your freakin’ noses alone. Of all the nose jobs out there, I can think of one (Ashley Simpson) that actually improved the nosejobee’s appearance. And jesus god in heaven, stop with the bad boob jobs. JUST STOP IT. Let’s age gracefully and look like human beings, shall we? I think I’m supposed to tag other people to do this meme, so if you’re reading this, consider yourself tagged. *Just kidding. I don’t care for pina coladas.
I’m not EVEN a punctuation nazi, but goddamn. Surely someone had to approve that t-shirt before it went into production? I had half a mind to buy them all and burn them because I KNOW I’m going to run across someone wearing that t-shirt, and have to kill them. Well, except that I’m sure they’ll be wearing it IRONICALLY and all.
The knowledge that he’s the Purtiest! Kitty! Ever! makes Sugarbutt a wee bit smug.
“*urrrp* Oh! ‘Scuse me!”