Today, my uterus is gloating because had things gone as planned, it would be GONE. Instead, it’s here to make my life annoying and bloaty and crampy for another threeish weeks.
Gloat on, my friend. I’LL WIN IN THE END, even if I have to evict you myself with a rusty fork and a cat to mop my brow while I’m operating!
A few months ago, I was running low on multi-vitamins, so I did a casual look around the internet to see where I could find them the cheapest. I buy Bariatric Wellness multi-vitamins (and calcium) because they’re chewable and thus (one assumes) easy to absorb. Also, I take two big-ass glucosamine/ choindroitin pills every morning, and the chewable multi-vitamins coat my mouth so that I can get the glucosamine pills down without gagging on the taste.
Anyway, either they were cheapest the Bariatric Advantage main site, or I decided to just get them there because I could get calcium and iron at the same time. In any case, I placed the order and eventually it arrived.
Then a week after it arrived, I was going somewhere and checked my cell phone (I rarely check my cell phone unless I’m bored or on my way out the door – thus the reason, if you text me, I tend not to get back to you for hours) and saw that I had a message. It was Bob from Bariatric Advantage who was just calling to make sure I’d gotten my order and OH, did I know that I could sign up for recurring shipping so that when Bariatric Advantage’s records had determined that it was time for me to be running low, rather than me having to do all that pesky logging onto the computer and placing the order, they’d just SEND me what I needed and charge my card? Was I aware of this super-fabulous option? WAS I? Bob wanted to let me know that he was there for me whenever I needed, I could just give him a call and sign up for the recurring bullshit AT ANY TIME.
I rolled my eyes and erased the message.
I got, basically, the same message a few weeks later, rolled my eyes, thanked god that I hadn’t given them my home phone number (the cell phone is much easier to ignore, given that I only hear it ringing if I happen to be right there on top of it), and erased the message.
Then there was, basically, radio silence from Bariatric Advantage until last week. Apparently a red flag went up in the Bariatric Advantage database and an alarm signal was generated throughout the building and people went running to and fro screaming that “OH MY GOD ROBYN AND3RSON IS OUT OF MULTI-VITAMINS, SHE MUST BE, IT IS TIME, WE MUST BE SURE THAT SHE IS TAKING HER VITAMINS!”, because I got another call from Bob.
Eye roll, delete.
Two days later, another call.
Eye roll, delete.
And then they decided to get serious and hit me where I live. Those fuckers sent me an email.
Thank you for choosing Bariatric Advantage for your all your micronutrient needs. We are following up in regards to the order that was placed on 9/28/2009.
We at Bariatric advantage want to ensure you are staying compliant with your doctor’s orders. If, you are ready to place a new order please contact us at (blah blah blah).
Oh hello, WHAT THE FUCK? You want to “ensure” that I am staying “compliant” with my doctor’s orders? I’m so sorry, am I 10 years old? Do I need you fucking assholes to come along and watch over me and make sure I chew my chewable vitamin every day?
No, thank you, I’m 42 years old and I have somehow managed to figure out the terribly complicated vitamin regimen my doctor has put me on. I know that many of we post-gastric bypass surgery patients are drooling goddamn idiots and somehow “Two multi-vitamins every day” is beyond us, and THANK GOD we have you to prod us into staying COMPLIANT. Could you maybe send someone over to slap me upside the head if I forget to swallow after I chew my multi-vitamin, because I AM SO STUPID I need you to tell me how to live my life correctly.
You may certainly go fuck yourself, Bariatric Advantage, because I do not need you standing over me making sure I’m “compliant*” because oh, right, YOU HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. My best interests which are, you know, attached directly to your profit margin.
ALSO, maybe spend a little less time harassing people who have purchased from you once and WILL NEVER PURCHASE FROM YOU EVER AGAIN, and maybe proofread your goddamn form emails.
So I’m dumping Bariatric Advantage. Other post-WLS patients, I know you’re out there – what NON Bariatric Advantage supplements do you recommend?
*LOATHE LOATHE LOATHE the word “compliant” when used in that way because it implies (to me) that you are a stupid, troublesome patient and also that MY DOCTOR IS THE BOSS OF ME AND HE IS NOT. I also CANNOT STAND “denies”, as in when your doctor says “Do you have a headache?” and you say “No” because, well, you do not have a headache and then your doctor writes “Pt. denies headache” AS IF YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING.
How AWESOME are you guys? Answer: SUPER AWESOME! Misty, the sweet kitten who needs surgery for her megacolon is a mere $135 away from being fully funded!
You guys are absolutely awesome – thank you to everyone who has donated, and to everyone who’s spreading the word. I’m sure if Misty could, she’d hunt every one of you down and snorgle you ’til you begged for mercy.
You can read more about Misty here.
2009: Eric Stoltz makes a REALLY good creepy serial killer.
2008: We were in bed asleep by 10:00, because we are such the party people.
2007: No entry.
2006: No entry.
2005: Yeah, it doesn’t take a whole lot to make us laugh, I guess.
2004: Now isn’t there anything we can do to force Joey Buttafuoco back into obscurity?
2003: So if you meet me in person and expect a “Mighty fucking fine to meet you, fuckface!”, you’ll likely be disappointed.
2002: Wrong on that one, Brigitte. Trust me.
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.