The other night, we were watching Killers. It was an okay movie, I usually like Ashton Kutcher’s movies even though he strikes me as having douchebag potential in real life and I can usually tolerate Katherine Heigl (ditto on the real-life douchebag potential). It had a super-weak ending, though.
But anyway, we were watching the movie, and it begins in France. Ashton Kutcher was driving a sportscar down the road, and he was all OVER the damn road in that thing, and after he’d spent a long stretch of the road on the right side, I turned to Fred.
“They drive on the left side in France, don’t they? Doesn’t most of Europe?” I was pretty sure I was right, but I know there are random countries that drive on the right side, so I wanted to check with him.
Not that he’s been to France, either, but I thought he might know.
He paused for a long time and then slowly said “They drive…. on the opposite side of the road than we drive on.”
Which, hello, isn’t that a strange way to word it? So I turned and looked at him and I said, “What side of the road do we drive on?”, just to test him.
He took a lonnnnnnng time to deliberate, and finally he said “We drive on the right side of the road.”
“Are you sure?” I said, testing him.
Another long pause. “Yes. The right side of the road.”
“Are you having a stroke?” I said.
“I might have been dozing,” he said.
I was searching through the freezers yesterday wondering if I had any cranberries left over from last Fall. I’m getting ready to start back up with the habanero jam making, and in the process of making my grocery list, I couldn’t remember if I’d used up all the cranberries or not.
In the house we have two refrigerators, each with its own freezer, and one stand-alone freezer (let us not discuss the TWO freezers we also have out in the garage). I searched all three freezers, but found no cranberries.
What I did find:
*Small ziploc bags holding (according to the label) ground chicken hearts and livers, from last December. Not sure what I was planning to do with those. I’m also not quite sure whether they’re raw or cooked. No doubt I was planning to give them to the cats, but if I recall correctly, the last time I offered the cats raw hearts and livers, they turned their noses up at them. Spoiled fuckers.
*Edamame. It was like CHRISTMAS when I found those! Ever since Sam’s stopped carrying my beloved edamame in snack-size (frozen) containers, I haven’t had much luck finding edamame in bulk, and that makes me very sad. Apparently, at some point, I did find a couple of small bags at the grocery store, stuck them in the freezer, and promptly forgot about them.
*Cube steak, given to us by Fred’s former coworker about a year and a half ago. He raises his own cows, and we traded him some pork for beef.
*Frozen cookie dough, intended (I am sure) for pig cookies. I have no idea how long that’s been in there.
*VitaTops 100 calorie muffin tops. I bought a pack, tried one, and decided I don’t care for them. I’m pretty sure they’ve been in there about a year.
*Hot dog and hamburger buns. I must have bought them when they were on sale, but have no idea how long they’ve been in there.
*At least 20 2-cup bags of pecans, from our own trees, from Fall 2008. I took a bag out, roasted them in the oven, and they’re still good. Yay! We didn’t get any pecans last Fall, but I think we’re expecting a good harvest this year. I love the hell out of pecans.
Most of all, I found English muffins. A TON of English muffins. What the fuck? How many English muffins do we need to have on hand? I counted thirty before I decided to stop counting. THIRTY. I’m an English muffin hoarder. You’re going to turn on the TV one day and I’ll be standing there, surrounded by mounds of English muffins, my hoarder eyes all atwirl as I say “Well, I likes me some English muffins! You cain’t have too many English muffins! You can toast ’em and eat ’em with jam! You can toast ’em and put a piece of cheese and some scrambled eggs on ’em! You can make tiny pizzas out of ’em! The possibilities are endless!”
I also loves me some Hoarders. The new season of Hoarders has started, in case you didn’t know, and it’s running concurrently with a Hoarders offshoot called something like Hoarders: Piles of Crap.
More Hoarders than you can shake a stick at!
Yesterday I was watching Hoarders: I Cannot Let Go of This Invoice from 1983 and the organizer was helping this skateboard-collecting guy start cleaning up his house, and she was all “Should this go in the toss pile, the keep pile, or the recycle pile?”, and the guy was all “Toss. No. WAIT. What do you mean by “toss” and “recycle”? Because this has use! Someone could use this! If you toss this, does it go to the landfill?” They debated the meanings of “toss” and “recycle” until I felt like I was watching Bill Clinton debate the meaning of “is.”
I would be absolutely horrible at helping a hoarder clean up his or her house because I would have NO FUCKING PATIENCE for the woman who was dithering over whether or not to toss out a rotten cantaloupe and I’d end up yelling at her and grabbing everything and tossing it in the dumpster while she wailed over her loss.
Speaking of shows I love, have you seen that there’s going to be a reality show about a polygamous family on TLC called Sister Wives?
You better believe I’m counting the moments ’til THAT show premieres.
2009: Kanye: Douchebag.
2008: No entry.
2007: By the way, I still want a pet hummingbird.
2006: Maddy sadly contemplates the vast expanse of my thigh. How will she ever cross it and reach freedom?!
2005: For the record, there’s a big fucking difference between pranking someone and just being an asshole.
2004: Like, so world-weary, like “I can’t be bothered to sign ‘love’, because it sounds so warm, I need something COLDER, so I’ll just scrawl ‘as ever’”.
2003: No entry.
2002: No entry.
2001: No entry.
2000: No entry.