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11/5/12

by @ 5:00 am on November 5, 2012. Filed under Life

The 2013 calendars are available! All the calendars are marked up by $2, and all profits go to Challenger’s House.

I’ll put this up at the top of the entries for the rest of the week for those who don’t read every day or who read via a reader, and after this week they’ll be in the sidebar to the right.

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If you’re interested in reading Fred’s latest book but don’t have a Kindle and don’t want to download the (free!) Kindle app to read it on your computer or phone or iPod or what have you, you can now get The Convert in paperback. Here’s the Amazon link.

If you’re thinking about getting The Convert on Kindle but haven’t yet, AND you think you might want to read his previous book, No Limit, they’re now available together at one low price. Here’s the Amazon link (and it’s also in the sidebar to the right.)

Lastly, if you’ve ever wanted to be Facebook BFFs with Fred, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. He’s finally all set up and running at Facebook, and you can FB friend him here.

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At the end of September, Fred and I decided that with rates being so low, it was time to refinance the house. This decision was aided by the fact that Fred had JUST been looking online to see what the current rates were, when he got an email from a guy who works at a mortgage company – we’ll call him Alvin, which is not his real name, DUH – letting him know that NOW IS THE TIME TO REFINANCE, FRED ANDERSON! He ran the numbers, he gave us some HORSESHIT estimate about how much money we’d save, and we nodded like the naive douchebags we are, and signed a shit ton of papers giving him the go-ahead to, y’know, go ahead.

At some point – in one of the emails Alvin sent – I saw that they intended to get the refi done as quickly as possible, “about 10 – 12 days.”

I wondered if we’d close before I headed off to Myrtle Beach, which was two weeks from the day we signed the first flurry of papers.

Ha. Ha. HA. FUCKING HA.

After we signed the papers, scanned every fucking one of them, and emailed them back to Alvin, he sent us a short list of stuff we needed to scan and get to him. We did that. And then every day for the next week, he emailed randomly to request something else that had to be scanned and sent (I fucking LOATHE THE MOTHERFUCK out of scanning because it’s a pain in the ass and also there are 10,000 little asshole kittens who want to know WHAT the fuck I am doing, HOW the fuck I think I’m going to accomplish it, and PARDON ME I’M GOING TO BITE THAT, LADY.) One day he requested a scan of Fred’s driver’s license.

“Does he need a copy of mine, too?” I asked.

“He didn’t say that he did,” Fred said.

So I didn’t scan my license. Three days later, he said “Oh, and I need a scan of your wife’s license, too.”

Hey, I HAVE A BRAIN STORM. What if –

oh, I know. It’s absolutely batshit insane to even THINK THIS –

WHAT IF, if you’re in charge of refinances, WHAT IF you sent a LIST of the shit you need so that the people who are jumping through your hoops could just GO DOWN THE GODDAMN LIST AND GET EVERYTHING TOGETHER AND SEND IT AT THE SAME TIME? What if?

Time passed, pages flew off the calendar, I went to Myrtle Beach and came back again.

“When is the appraiser going to come and appraise the house?” I asked Fred.

He shrugged.

I finally noticed that it seemed like every time Fred heard something from Alvin, the fucking monthly mortgage payment went up another $25 – $50. Fred went from pointing out how much we were saving every month, to pointing out how much we’d be saving every year, so that it sounded like it would still be worth the hassle of all this horseshit.

On November 1st, I said “Can you ask Alvin if I’m supposed to pay the goddamn motherFUCKing mortgage for November, or what the fucking fuck I’m supposed to do?”

Alvin told him that I shouldn’t pay the mortgage, that everything (a month after we began) was just about ready to go, and we should be closing soon. He was just waiting on the appraisal. The appraisal we paid $450 for, and we still hadn’t heard anything from any appraiser who wanted to come inside the house and, you know. DO THE FUCKING APPRAISAL.

And THEN word came back that the appraisal was done, and the house wasn’t worth what we thought it was.

“But… no one came into the house to see the inside of the house to DO the appraisal,” I objected.

“I guess they were able to pull up information from the previous appraisal?” Fred offered.

A few days went by, and then I lost my fucking shit, spurred by some event that I don’t recall at the moment. I should add here that I am on progesterone, and the thing about being on progesterone is that you go off it for five days every month so that, I don’t know. YOU JUST DO. Most months it’s perfectly fine, but in times of stress, it’s very very bad. Apparently I need progesterone to keep me chilled the fuck out.

So I lost my shit. I bellowed and screamed and swore at Fred, and I called Alvin every name in the book (to Fred, behind Alvin’s back as all Klassy Ladies do) and I swore some more. I’m pretty sure that if Alvin had showed up at my door, I would have stabbed him directly in his eye with the nearest sharp object like they kill the zombies on The Walking Dead, and then fed him to the kittens.

AND THEN I started looking at the appraisal, and I swore and bitched and screamed some more, and then I pointed out to Fred that NOTHING on the goddamn appraisal aside from the address was right. Fred called Alvin and said “What’s going on with the appraisal appeal?”, because Alvin had said he would appeal the appraisal. Alvin fumbled and stuttered around, making it CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR that he’d done no such thing, had probably just hoped we’d shut the fuck up and sign the papers. Fred went through the appraisal with a fine-tooth comb and made a list of everything the appraiser had missed.

I was seeing red. I was ready to burn this shit down. I was ready to go ON A MOTHERFUCKING RAMPAGE.

I looked up the appraiser online. I told Fred that I COULD. NOT. WAIT. until this was all done and over with so that I could leave a SCATHING review of the incredibly SHITTY appraisal that the appraiser did. I asked “Google, motherfucker, do I have any recourse when a fucking HACK decides that my two-story house is a one-story RANCH and thus appraises the house for FAR FUCKING LESS (in my estimation) than it’s worth?” and Google said “Bitch, your best course of action is to CANCEL that motherfucking refi and go with someone else.”

Alvin called Fred the next day. Apparently when he called the appraiser, the appraiser had said “Well, you only wanted an exterior appraisal, so that’s what I did.”

OH. RILLY. ALVIN. That is VERY FUCKING INTERESTING, ALVIN.

Alvin has now ordered a thorough appraisal that apparently consists of something more in-depth than the appraiser driving by the house, snapping a few blurry pictures, and then daydreaming about what the inside of the house might look like.

Alvin is going to pay the difference between the “Shoddy Hack Simple Appraisal” and the “Super Deluxe Almost Done Right Appraisal”.

YOU ARE GODDAMN RIGHT YOU’RE PAYING THE DIFFERENCE, ALVIN.

So now we’re waiting for the appraiser to mosey around to calling Fred and setting up the appointment. I am back on my progesterone, but Fred goddamn well better be here when the appraiser comes wander around the house, because I am not sure I won’t feed him to the kittens just because.

And that’s where the fuck I’ve been, motherfuckers. I hope your refi went/ is going/ will go better and more smoothly than ours.

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Previously
2011: No entry.
2010: My colon will be the pretty, pretty princess of all colons, and then it shall rule the world.
2009: I have been a canning fool this week.
2008: WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH SCOOP HANDS?!
2007: I thought if the remote was lost, you were screwed.
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.
2004: Did you think I was writing this from The Great Beyond?
2003: Wonder if I appear too old and feeble to help with the loading of the groceries.
2002: That’s your trivia fact for the day. You’re welcome!
2001: Amish country.
2000: No entry.
1999: Hey, this is some exciting stuff, isn’t it? What will I talk about next, dryer lint? Woohoo, somebody stop me!

20 Responses to “11/5/12”

  1. Shirley T says:

    Awwww!! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. They don’t call you Bitchypoo for nothing. You had just cause to Bitch. Love ya

  2. Kim says:

    Robyn, our refi went EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. We, too, got stuck with a cruddy drive-by appraisal that wasn’t anywhere near accurate and we had to bitch out the bank to get a new one.
    And oh, the endless documentation. Bank: “What is this check deposited from your mother for?” Me: “Um, my birthday? Why? Does that hundred bucks bump us into another bracket or something?” Bank: “Well, we have to be sure borrowers aren’t trying to inflate their net worth.” Me: “By A HUNDRED BUCKS???”

    And so on. So yeah, I feel your pain. And I’ll pray to Ceiling Cat that it’s over quickly for you.

  3. devil says:

    Jesus titty-fucking Christ, I want to murder Alvin too.

    We refinanced our mortgage over 10 years ago and it was a bigger PITA than any fresh mortgage or heloc (or any other hellish experience). Seriously, I don’t know why refinancing a mortgage has to be the Seventh Circle of Hell, but it is.

    Ours wasn’t as bad…they did one appraisal only and actually came inside.

    Want some good news? You’ll remember this experience and it will push you to pay off your mortgage early. Getting rid of the mortgage and giving BofA a big “Fuck You” was the best day of my life.

    I’d be writing a pretty scathing letter of complaint about Alvin after everything is completely done. But I’m a bitch that way.

  4. Jen says:

    This entry had me in tears I was laughing so hard! I am sorry that you are going through refinancing hell but the silver lining is that it makes for excellent blog fodder!!

  5. Val says:

    Dear Robyn and friends,

    Kill Alvin and go directly to your credit union. You have an account at a credit union, right? If not, you best go to your nearest credit union and open one. They have the best interest rates in town – both savings and loans. I’ve refinanced by condo 3 x in the past 5-6 years. Easy peasy, nice and easy. I even refinanced 6 weeks after getting a job after not having one for over a year! I called and asked if that would be an issue – they said no problem and scheduled an appt!

    Last time, it took a little longer – so many people were refinancing they were a little busy. I filled out the paperwork and showed up to sign the paperwork. No points, no outrageous costs. Interest rates/monthly payments never changed. Oh – I never asked for more than my current mortgage amount plus costs. I don’t believe in taking out the equity in my home. Too many people lost there homee becuase of the BS.

    • Catsy says:

      I agree with Val. You should have gone to the Credit Union, they always treat you right.

    • Fern says:

      Sorry to say that it was like pulling my own teeth to deal with the credit union I’ve been a member of for over 15 years. First, second, refi, HELOC, didn’t matter. Always the underwriting dept gumming things up. This was with good credit rating, no late payments, no nothing to slow down the process.

      However, the CU is still better than anything else in the area *le sigh*

  6. Arizona Robin says:

    Sorry about your re-fi problems.

    Few years ago we refinanced mortgage balance only (no additional home equity) via Chase Mortgage. We did NOT pay ANY points because we are preferred customers with excellent credit score, etc. The process took 2-3 weeks; and we signed all closing documents at our kitchen table. Chase sent the closing processor to our home!!!

    Hope round #2 progresses better!

  7. Maureen says:

    Oy vey, I can relate! I thought that appraisal at $450 was low, ours was double that, we had it done two weeks ago. But I also live in Alaska, where everything is more expensive. My sad tale of refi woe involves our loan officer calling, right before she was going on vacation-and after we signed the initial papers, that she had made a major mistake, so things were not looking as good as we thought they were. We are still in limbo, wondering what the house appraised at-and if it will truly be worth doing the refi. I am just hoping we don’t end up eating that appraiser fee, which I would not be happy about!

  8. Gertie says:

    feeding him to the pigs would be a quicker disposal route than the kittens, although you’d then have Bacon à l’Alvin – so maybe not.

  9. kate says:

    Is it weird to say that I love you. Not in a weird stalking you from afar on the internet love …but the love one finds when you realize that your brain has been magically transferred to your sister in Alabama. And that said sister in Alabama says EXACTLY what I would have said if I have been in the hell she was in.

  10. Traci D. Haley says:

    Not that I wish bad things upon you, but dang, your entries are at their funniest when you are seeing red… I just wish I had you as a bodyguard for when things break bad in *my* life!

  11. Elizabeth in FL says:

    I also love the ranting episodes. I get a huge kick out of all your “motherfucks” and “fucking assholes” and whatnot. Classic bitchypoo!

  12. Jean says:

    Alvin the shitmunk. Remind me not to refi with him if I ever breathe out loud that I’m thinking of doing one. 🙁

    Also, I need to know who to avoid in the drive-by appraiser. We had to have one on dad’s house, and she was great. Spent lots of time, measured, took pics, emailed it the next morning. $350.

  13. Katherine says:

    I am offended that you would even consider feeding that piece of shit Alvin to the precious kittens. They have much better taste than that! They’d turn their noses up to that douche bag.

  14. Kelli St. says:

    Have not been here in awhile and OMG I forgot how freaking hilarious you are!!!! Alvin should have been killed like a Zombie on The Walking Dead but maybe feed him to the chickens instead. I personally blame Fred for it all.

  15. Suzy says:

    Number one reason I won’t refi – I hate the incompetance of mortgage people and appraisers (and I have several of both in my immediate family: though hopefully they are better than Alvin and his Appraiser sound). I hated giving that all of that paperwork when I bought the house the first time, and it is just not worth the $1000 or so I would save a year to go through it again. Hate, Hate, Hate them all. Why no, I don’t take progesterone or any other mood altering drugs? Why do you ask?

  16. Annette R. says:

    Sorry it sucks, Robyn. Our refinancing was ages ago but it was easy back then -probably the late eighties?

    I liked Keli’s let the Zombies Get Him idea.

    My friend is hella pissed at her husband and all the grown men in her family. Injured elderly mom (going on for a month) the guys are whining about neglect and not helping. All men are dick brains this week in her book. I have to agree in her case. Hope that makes you feel a little bit better.

  17. elayne says:

    Sorry to hear about Alvin (I want to give a thumbs-up to whoever dubbed him the Shitmunk). As for me, I’ll just sit here with my mouth closed and fingers crossed…

    Are you allowed to say what company Alvin works with or is he an independent agent type person?

  18. Amy in MN says:

    Sorry about the refi but I love previous posts…SCOOP HANDS!

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