A few months ago Fred went on a long hike wearing boots he hadn’t worn before. As a result, when he got home the second toe over from the big toe (the “index toe”, if you will) on his left foot was painful. As time went by, the toenail turned black, and we were pretty sure that it would eventually fall off. But more time went by and nothing seemed to be going on and except for the occasional glimpse of his toe when it caught my attention, I pretty much forgot about his nasty black toenail.
A few nights ago Fred called me into the living room, where he was watching TV.
“Look!” he said excitedly. I sat down on the loveseat and prepared to be amazed and impressed. He reached down, put his finger on the end of the black toenail and pulled upward, saying “There’s another toenail under there growing in! I bet this one is going to come off!” Now, I can hardly think of anything nastier than a toenail that’s about to fall off, because the thought of that naked toenail bed under there being exposed to the elements… gah. I swear to you, if I had balls – real ones, not figurative ones – they would crawl right up into my body at the thought of a toenail lifting up.
I just now had to walk away from the computer and think happy thoughts, I am so disturbed at the thought of nails – toe and finger – being lifted up. Gah. Gah, gah, gah.
So as Fred lifted the nail up to show me that it was loosening from it’s moor, I stood up and ran around in circles screaming “OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO GROSS!” at the top of my lungs before blacking out.
When I came to, Dr. Poo was sniffing at my eyeballs to see if I was still alive and – oh yes, could I pay her fee in catnip, please?
Fred tried to show me the Nasty Loose Toenail again, but I refused to look, and I resorted to screaming “NO! NO! STOP IT, I AM NOT GOING TO LOOK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” whenever he opened his mouth. Finally, he got the message and stopped trying to make me look.
Last night we were sitting in front of our computers.
“Hmm… what the?” Fred said, and I turned to see what was going on. He was sitting with his left foot propped on his right knee. He’d pulled off his sock and was looking at The Toe. Immediately I knew what was going on.
“NO!” I bellowed, turning to face my computer.
“Bessie, look, the toenail came -”
“NO!”
“Just look at this, this is so cool, there’s like a little half-toenail-”
“NO!”
“Just LOOK, there’s a toenail there, it’s not a naked toe-”
“NO!”
“It’s so cool, though, you have to see-”
“NO!”
“Look at the toenail then, it’s kind of nas-”
“NO!”
“Bessie, please! Just look! Why won’t you look?” he begged in a sad look, and finally just to get him to SHUT THE HELL UP, I turned around and looked.
Except that I let my eyes go unfocused, so while it might have looked like I was gazing in admiration upon his freakish toe, in reality I could see nothing but a big white blur. Ha!
Later, we were sitting in the living room watching TV. Meester Boogers was in a state of high dudgeon because he’d left his bed on the end table to investigate something, and while he was gone, Miz Poo had climbed into the bed (they both like it because it’s under a nice warm lamp) and gone to sleep. He sniffed at her several times and thought about climbing into the bed with her, but it was a small bed and there was really no room for both a portly Poo and a Booger, so he gave up and sat on the back of the couch looking disgruntled.
When it became clear that his sitting on the back of the couch looking pissy and pouty wasn’t going to convince us to toss Miz Poo out of the bed and let him have it back, he jumped down onto the couch, stretched out, and went to sleep. At some point I looked over and he looked so damn cute that I had to rub his belly. I put down the cross-stitch I was working on and leaned over. As soon as I touched him, he made a grumpy “Who’s touching me?” noise and opened his eyes. He decided that he could go for a belly rub, and flopped onto his back to allow for maximum belly exposure.
Finally, Fred could stand the cuteness no more, and he got up from the loveseat and walked over to pet Meester Boogers, who grumped again and stretched out some more. Fred kneeled down in front of the couch and bent down to give the Booger a kiss on top of his head, and a moment later pulled back with a horrified look on his face.
“Oh my GOD,” he said. “Whew!”
“Oh, is it bad?” I asked sympathetically. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that Meester Boogers only has a short tail and thus not enough tail to cover the occasional stink from his butt, or that he’s a nasty boy and thus doesn’t clean his butt often enough, but he seems to have more Stinky Butt episodes than the other cats, and every so often Fred catches a whiff of stink from him, and has to go after his butt (Meester Boogers’ butt, that is) with a baby wipe.
Fred nodded. “God, he reeks!”
And then. People, this is so gross, the width and breadth of the grossness cannot possibly be fully explained to you. As I sat there on one end of the couch and Meester Boogers sat there on the other, Fred kneeling in front of him, the most disgusting thing ever happened.
Fred leaned down and SNIFFED MEESTER BOOGERS’ ASS AGAIN.
“Whoo!” he said, shaking his head. “That is just nasty!”
“Oh my god!” I said. “What the fuck? Why on EARTH would you INTENTIONALLY sniff the cat’s ASS again, when you already KNEW it stinks?”
“Smell it!” he said, gesturing toward Meester Boogers.
“What? NO, I’M NOT GOING TO SMELL THE CAT’S ASS!”
“Bessie, just put your head down there and smell it.”
“NO! Jesus christ, what is WRONG with you? I am NOT going to sniff the cat’s ass! I already know it smells repulsive, I don’t need to CONFIRM IT!”
“Just smell it,” he wheedled. “I need to know if it really stinks, or if he just farted!”
“NO!”
“Smell it!”
“NO!”
“Bessie, come on!”
“NO! Get the hell away from me. GOD!”
“You just don’t love me,” he said sadly.
“Not enough to smell the cat’s ass! JESUS!”
I mean seriously, people. What the hell would make a person who is apparently in full control of all their faculties INTENTIONALLY SMELL A CAT’S ASS? I just don’t get it. The thought makes me want to throw up. I can’t stand the smell of nasty things, so I don’t go out of my way to lean down and sniff them. That just seems to make sense to me.
GAH.
“This is not dignified.”
Robyn, I can completely sympathize. My fiance does the same kinds of things to me! What is it with men?
Mr. Boogers looks all guilty like you caught him in the middle of love making. Hee.
Well, I’m embarrassed to say that my oldest son has some kind of smell fetish thing. He’ll voluntarily smell the dog and cat’s ass, for what reasons I’ll never know! It’s a boy thing!
“If you really loved me you’d sniff the cat’s ass!” Heh. That’s a new one.
My husband used to play softball a lot and he got hit by a ball right on his big toe, right there at the edge of the toe. It too turned black and we expected it to fall off. We’re sitting there at dinner one night and we hear something clatter across the floor (we have wood floors in our kitchen). We looked under the table to see what it was and my husband says, Oh, my toenail fell off!! What could be grosser that your husband’s toenail just spontaneously leaping from his toe during dinner??? Ugh!!
This is one of the days you make me laugh sooooo hard I almost pee myself. If laughter is the best medicine, guess I must be really healthy today.
Thanks.
Oh, Robyn. A lot of times, I read your entries and think, “hmm. Maybe having a cat would be nice. Look how cute they are. They rub up on your leg all loving. And the cat would just climb up in my lap and let me pet him as we watch Desperate Houswives together. Waaah, I want a cat!”
Yeah. You just cured me forever. EWWWW!
Ummm, can I see his toe?? 😉
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! TOO FUNNY!!
It’s a man thing, Robyn, and it happens everyday somewhere in the world where ever a man is……
More important than toenails or cat asses, please note the size of that biceps.
Ok….I am grossed out by “loose” toenails! A year or so ago, I stubbed my big toe on the bottom of my ottoman and it “lifted” my toenail all the way back to just a little sliver of skin on the base of it. Ever since then when that commercial comes on where the little germ men or whatever they are, are lifting up the big toenail and climbing in, I just about kill myself trying to find the remote! My kids think it’s a riot!
Maybe two years ago, my stepdaughter hurt her foot and got a blackened toenail. Months later, I was home with her the day she had her wisdom teeth pulled, and she woke up from her painkiller-induced sleep and told me she’d dreamed that her toenail fell off. I was thinking, “ok, those must be some drugs”, but then checked, and sure enough it had. It wasn’t too scary, though, since a new nail had pretty much grown underneath the old one.
OK – butt smelling is a guy thing, because Ewwwww. I have to tell you what my crazy kitten did yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen mixing a batch of peanut clusters for a bake sale today. Kiefer was telling me “how much he loves me” by rubbing his whole body on my legs making sure to force my legs apart in an attempt to trip me so the contents of the bowl would spill on the floor for him to chow down. All of a sudden, he bite me right on the shin. Ouch. What a crazy cat!
oh my freaking god! I just laughed so hard I think I split my stomach muscles. you rock or rather the stinky ass rocks. lmao
Robyn, you made my day!!! Once again, thanks for the laughs……. 😀
Geez! All Fred does for you and you can’t even be bothered to share in some cat stank. There are a lot of women out there that would be thrilled to have their husband seek them out in cat stank comraderie. And during the holiday season of all times, you should be ashamed.
Geez, Robyn, I laughed so hard I farted!
Yeah, I’ve lost 2 toenails so far from the beat down I gave them suring the BC 3 Day in October…and there’s one more about to commit hari kiri I think. Gross, but fascinating. I pretty much dissected my toenail when it came off. Heh.
Thanks for the laugh! You reminded me of something I was told years ago. A woman I worked with told me that her husband didn’t like her cats, so she would rub their asses on his pillow. Needless to say they’re divorced!
Oh trust me, I know I live with 4 guys….my husband and 3 sons…they take such pleasure in grossing me out…sometimes it’s like we learned in kindergarten…boys are just stupid…and I mean that in the nicest possible way
OMG I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks though..I deperately needed that.
It wasn’t a good idea to eat cheez-its while reading this entry. Yuk.
Seriously, if I see that disgusting online ad with the toenail popping up one more time I’m going to scream! What group of ad execs thought that was a good idea?! “Hmmm. Let’s see. If we make people puke on their computer screens, surely they will remember our product!” Dumbasses.
For those of you Fred-toenail-freaks, look in his journal a couple months back, he posted a pic of his toe. EEWWWWW. If I wasn’t so tired already I would post the link but I don’t have the energy to look it up.
I live with a 12 year old boy and a man that truly embrace the “Fat Bastard” (from the Austin Powers movies) philosophy that a ‘man loves the smell of his own brand’ and they never fail to corner me in the car or on the couch and then let them fly. PEEEEEYOU! And then they always blame the cook (me) by saying “must be something I ate”.
I laughed my ass off at this entry. I even made my son leave the inner sanctum of his teenage lair so he could read it. He loved it, too. Which just goes to show, there is something for everyone at Casa Bitchypoo!!!!!
Thanks for the laughs Robyn! My husband is sitting behind me and has asked me like 6 times what i’m laughing at. 🙂
~~Suzi – I too turn the channel when that commercial comes on. It’s just gross!
JEEZUS H MURPHY! You had me rolling! I think my husband and I have had the very same conversation relating to dirty diapers.
Yes, Fred is gross. But I have to admit that we women do gross things too. For example, what man out there picks up their child and sniffs its butt (through the diaper, mind you) to see if a deposit has been made?
Its all fun and games til someone laughs so hard they fall off their chair:P *pointing to your nephew*
I can’t remember the last time an entry made me laugh so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes, Robyn! It even made the toddler come bounding over here to ask “What funny?!”
Damn. You guys are something else.
That was the funniest thing I have ever read. I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. You are so right Robyn, that is sooooo a man thing,(nasty smells, falling off black toenails), is too gross for words. Bitchypoo rocks woman!!!!! Nanmama 🙂
God help me do I know your pain, I live with two men and have a son..and lemme tell you they’re like this from birth. My four month old son already laughs at his own belches
I’m so dead.
Oy vey, this entry was hilarious! I thought for sure I was gonna scroll down and see a picture of his nail nubbin!
Geez,Fred is SUCH a GUY !
I have to confess when reading today’s entry,that I misunderstood at first that Fred was talking about the cat’s rear end.
I instead thought he was referring to the cat’s breath and I thought,”Oh no,here it comes. Fred’s gonna discover that Meester Boogers has been eating the discarded toenail!” ;op
Oh, I should NOT have been trying to drink some milk while I was reading this entry!! You crack me up!!
the combination of yesterday’s Mr. Boogers pics along with the ass-sniffing story is Christmas enough for me!
Scott’s big joke is the time I said to him, “smell my finger.” He thinks that was the funniest and yet the grossest thing on earth at the same time.
I swear, it’s like they’re all cut from the same mold – my husband does the same exact kinds of things to me. “Oh my god, smell this!” or “Oh man, you GOTTA see that” type crap – eww! Stay away from me!!!
I just read this to Tracy, he is now in hysterics. Thanks!
When I was in my senior year of high school, while cleaning one day, I pulled an upright vacuum cleaner up over my foot and tore one of my toenails back. I watched as the new toenail grew in underneath for some weeks. Then, at the Senior Skipout Day picnic, the old nail decided to let go, except for one little thread. I couldn’t find anyone with a nailclipper or anything else to snip it with, so I took the flip top off of a soda can (this was 1977 – flip tops came OFF the can back then)and sawed away at the thread until the old toenail was finally free. I know. Eeeeeeyyyyyaaaahhhhh! Just thought I’d share that little horror story with you.
As for the cat-stink, my cat will occasionally get those anal sac secretions too, and I agree it is a smell that is indescribably putrid. God help you if you get any of it on yourself. You can scrub the affected area raw and the stench will still be there.
But I STILL can’t believe that Fred went back in for a second whiff 😛
Damn. I’m glad I go back through the old entries from time to time. Hysterical.