I swear to god that if (when!) I win the lottery, I’m going to hire someone to drive me around wherever I want to go (“Sonic, Jeeves!”) so that I never have to get behind the wheel again. I had to drive to South Huntsville yesterday, and there’s this piece of road where you get off I-565 onto south Memorial Parkway, and it’s a total nightmare. Once the onramp and south Memorial Parkway merge, you have to immediately get, like, three lanes over or you’ll be forced to exit. I hate that particular section of road more than anything in the world.
(And, yes. I know that all y’all who live in New York City, LA, Chicago, Atlanta, etc. are feeling realllly sorry for me right now.)
So if (when!) I win the lottery I’ll buy a limo – a big, gaudy one! – and hire a driver to take me to Target and the mall and Sonic when I’m having a hankering for a Route 44 Diet Coke made with their delightfully crunchy ice. Then I’ll hire a housekeeper – no, two housekeepers! One to do the regular housecleaning, and one to come scrub down the bathrooms once a day! And I’ll hire someone to come clear the crap off my desk when the piles get too high, and someone to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“Cook, I’ll have the M&M omelet for breakfast. Please use only yellow M&Ms or I’ll have to fire you.”) and the occasional snack (“Cook, do we have any of those delightful spicy chickpeas left?”), and then someone to mow the lawn when the weeds get half an inch taller than I’d like.
Oh! And I’d hire a landscaper to plant an acre-size bulb garden and then I’d have to hire someone else to follow the cats around and shoo them out of the bulb garden. Also, there’d be a gladiolus garden, and someone to pick japanese beetles off the glads.
I’d need a secretary, too. Someone to answer all the emails in my inbox and maybe occasionally write me up a journal entry when my life of not doing anything but laying on my dead ass in bed and eating bon bons while reading or watching TV has gotten just too hectic for me.
Above all I’d need to buy a house out in the country on about 40 acres because I will need my privacy and no small children tromping across my lawn and hitting balls into the front flower bed.
I suppose I need to actually start buying lottery tickets to make these dreams come true.
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From my comments yesterday:
Okay, I tried to make the chick-peas. Not sure I am baking them to the correct level of “cooked-ness.” The garlic powder turned totally black! Is this a stupid question (don’t answer that), but could you maybe put in a photo of the cooked chick-peas?
Your request is my demand, so here you go:

I actually think that Fred would have liked it if they were just a tiny bit darker, but I’ve found that I have to be really careful, because if I cook them just a little too long, they’ll burn. I’ve found that the best time for cooking is 15 minutes, stir, then cook for another 17 minutes and then take them out to cool. I know that the recipe says “30 – 45 minutes”, but if I go even as long as 35 minutes, it’s too long.
I hope that helps – and if anyone else has helpful suggestions about the chickpeas recipe, leave ’em in the comments, please.
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Y’all, I am aware of the danger of antifreeze. Not only have I heard about the danger on Animal Planet, but the vet’s office I drive by several times a week changes their sign once the weather gets cold to remind pet owners that antifreeze can kill animals. There’s no puddle of antifreeze and/or coolant on the driveway – I check every time I pull out, and so far there hasn’t been a thing. I don’t know when the coolant is leaking out, but it’s not while the car is parked, I can guarantee you that.
I appreciate your concern, though.
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Have I ever shown you my favorite salt and pepper shakers? They crack me up.

I kind of have a collection of salt and pepper shakers going – if four sets can be a collection – and when the spud and I were in Myrtle Beach with my parents I mentioned it to my father. At some point when we were out checking out one of the bargain t-shirt stores my father jokingly held up some ugly salt and pepper shakers and said “You could add these to your collection.” My mother, who apparently hadn’t heard I was collecting them, shrieked “SHE DOESN’T COLLECT SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS,
I COLLECT SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS, JESUS CHRIST, (HIS NAME)!”
And I was left standing there
muttering like Milton “I could collect salt and pepper shakers, just because you collect the salt and pepper shakers doesn’t mean I can’t collect them too…”
* * *
Yesterday it was in the low 70s and I was freezing. Today it’s in the 50s and I’m burning up. Tell me what the hell that’s about.
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I finally made a decision about the 3-foot pre-lit tree at McRae’s. Since I was out running errands yesterday, I stopped by the mall and bought the tree. $29.97 – that’s a bargain, right there.
This morning I brought it inside and put it together, and then got out all the Christmas stuff and scattered it around the living room. Add to that the fact that my parents sent us a wreath from Maine that is hanging on the front door, and it’s starting to look (and smell!) an awful lot like Christmas around here these days.
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I have a comment!!! What the fuck are CHICKPEAS???
I’ve never heard of them. Are they like some kind of bean or peanut?? Do you have to soak them before cooking? I am at a loss here. BTW–I love your idea about winning the LOTTERY and hiring all your work done, and chauffeurs and maids and housekeepers and gardeners, and kitty cat tenders. It works for me!! Nanamama
The wreath is absolutely beautiful! Is there a way to order one of those? That just makes your door look so festive. I always said I’d have a cook to come in and do the cooking if I ever won the lottery…did you see the guy who won the largest jackpot got arrested again for driving drunk, what’s up with that? Why in the world would he be drinking and driving…hire a driver mister.
Nanamama – they’re garbanzo beans! Does that help at all? 🙂
Donna – you can order one from LL Bean (llbean.com, and search on “wreath”), or you can get one from the same place my parents did – estabrooksonline.com, and there’s a link on the front page to order your wreath online.
The wreath smells SO good!
I think if I ever won the lottery, I would buy a house boy. He would cook, clean, do my stupid errands, and be ready for bedroom antics at will.
Thanks for the photo, Robyn! I think I was cooking them too long … about 40 minutes. Yours look m-u-u-u-ch more appetizing.
Meester Boogers is getting into the Christmas spirit!
The Bean seems to be concentrating so hard on his prize. When our cats look like that, I joke that it’s because they don’t have thumbs and are trying to figure out how to hold on to what they found. If cats had thumbs, they would rule the world.
O.M.G. I am just rolling laughing at your ’99 entry about the Easter grass! Too damn funny! And Amy is right about the cats. Go Kitties!=)
Amy, my other half says that if cats had thumbs, they’d kill us all in our sleep. I don’t think they’d be content with mere world domination.
Ever heard the bit about how can you tell if your cat is plotting world domination?
http://www.catsbackalley.com/humor/top_16_signs_your_cat_is_plottin.htm
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I have that same s&p set – as soon as I saw them I *had* to have them. Got mine from colorfulimages.com
I’m guessing that you guys had a better experience with the hanging of the wreath this year? (I just reread the wreath incident of 2003 yesterday by way of the previous link, and lo, a new wreath today. Hee!)
I love kitty fingers. And Amy, I agree, cats would rule the world if they had thumbs… Heh.
Oh Robyn, your entry today made me laugh. My Mom passed away on Monday and you made me feel a lot better. I used to tell my Mom what I’d do for her if I won the lottery…….
Robyn, re your 70/freezing; 60/burning up– well it sounds to old Dr. Faye your internal temperature control has a timing problem. All you need to do is stay in bed for 24 hours and that should reset your thermostat. :0)
Melanie – I got mine from colorfulimages.com too! 🙂
Jen J. – This year I wisely opted to wait until Fred was around to hang the wreath, so there were no problems at all! 🙂
Louann – I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. Glad I could make you laugh for a few minutes!
Faye – By god, I think you’re right! I’ll take to my bed immediately, and when Fred complains I’ll just tell him to take it up with my doctor. 🙂
AWWWWW! Meester Boogers is too adorable in that picture!!! I just wuv him.
You cracked me up with the Milton mumblings. I had to add “and I’m gonna burn your house down too.” in my own head!
Our aby cat would be king if he had thumbs. He already does things he shouldn’t be able to like open doors!
Oooooh…. Much love for the salt and pepper shakers. Vive les poulets!
I am completely with Robyn on the hiring a driver issue. I live less than a hundred miles from Chicago, and I hardly ever go there because I hate city traffic! What is it about cities that makes people lose the will to live? I mean, I can only assume that all of those city drivers have already lost the will to live, based on their driving. Aye de mi!
Awwwwww,nothing says Christmas like a kitty messing with tree ornaments ! I wish I weren’t allergic to the little beasts!
There are currently three S&P shaker sets within a two foot radius in our kitchen and it drives me to distraction. Yet do I put two sets away ?? Nooooooooo,lazy arse that I am.
I hope you win the lottery soon!! Your dreams sound perty amazing and fun!! 🙂
Those are THE cutest damn S&P shakers I’ve ever seen! 🙂
Geez, I glanced at the chickpea photo before I read that far, and all I could think was- what a huge pile of bulbs you have to plant!!
forget all that, I’m in for the Sonic love. If I have a Route 44 Diet Coke with Orange every day, I’m a happier camper.
ohhh i tried to make them and they taste good (not nearly spicey enough, i’ll use more next time) but how do you dry yours? just leave them out for a while? i tried paper towel but it didnt work too well, they started to shed — unless thats what is supposed to happen 😀 heh. also, do you toss them in oil then add the spices and toss THEN pour them onto the baking sheet? think i messed up there too, i mixed the spices and the oil together then poured it onto the beans directly on the sheet & tossed them up. some were soft others super crunchy… guess i’ll just have to try again! YUM!! 😀
I so want those salt and pepper shakers! OMG, they’re too cute!
Love the Sonic ice. Love it. My favorite is diet Lime-aide. Like a gin and tonic (minus the gin). Perfect for summer.
You should try cooking the chickpeas with Tony Chacheres cajun seasoning [in a green canister (with salt) or white canister (no salt) with a little man in a chef’s hat, below the expensive spices]. I love it on everything, even popcorn. And if that doesn’t burn Fred’s mouth off I don’t know what will, especially if you put a lot on them.
Hey Robyn, Did you know that Sonic sells their ice. It is .99 cents for 5 pounds or something like that, at least here in Virginia. I love to use it in frozen drinks, it blends so much better in the blender than regular ice. Their ice is the best! 🙂