First for Women, I came across a story about three women who did various things to combat aging, from a chemical peel, to a makeover, to a facelift. First likes to present every story from three sides – or, I guess I should say, they like to present three ways to deal with a situation. At the beginning of each story was each woman’s eye-opener, what happened to make them realize they needed to do something. (No, I don’t know why I subscribe to this magazine either; I think it’s the three ways of dealing with marital problems they present each month which interests me) Anyway, the first woman One night, my husband of 20 years walked in the door and announced "You’re not pretty anymore. You look like an old hag. I want a divorce." This is where I, personally, would have brought up the fact that he had a tiny dick (always go for the obvious shot below the belt, I say) or just hit him over his self-righteous head with a frying pan. Not this woman. No, Barbara Beck, web site designer, went in for laser and chemical peels. Happy ending: a man in his late 20s hit on her. Next: One day I was standing in my boss’ office as she spoke to me in hushed tones. "Diane, you’re starting to look old, and it’s hurting your image. If you can’t do something about it, I’m afraid you’re going to be out of a job." Did this marketing director tell her boss to go fuck herself, or sue the company for ageism? Nope, Diane Briskin, marketing director, went the makeover route. Happy ending: she got a much better job elsewhere, hopefully telling her boss to go fuck herself on her way out. And, last: Church was over, and I was walking to get coffee with my daughter, Tashya. Across the room, I saw a woman I hadn’t seen in years smile and walk toward us. "And this must be your granddaughter," she said. Face lift. This is why I would never say to someone "So, this is your granddaughter?" I always, always err on the side of caution. Even if the woman looked 95 and was accompanied by a 5 year-old, I’d say "So, this is your daughter?" or even "So, this is your sister?" Oprah Winfrey once asked a woman when she was due, and the woman said "I’m not pregnant." I never mention a woman’s pregnancy unless I know for sure she’s pregnant, or unless she mentions it first. Anyway, Margaret Kowalski, bakery owner, went for a facelift. Happy ending: she showed one of her customers a picture of her daughter, and the customer said "You two could be sisters." Hell, I’m not against plastic surgery; if you can afford it and it makes you feel better about yourself, go to it. My gripe is that each of these women was spurred into making major changes (not, I guess, that a makeover is that much of a change) by the insensitive remarks of another person. I, myself, am so contrary that if Fred said "You’re not pretty anymore, you’re a hag" (yes, hopefully he knows better) I’d not only not have a facelift or chemical peel, I’d stop brushing my teeth, plucking my eyebrows, and whatever else I could do to make myself that much more hagg-ish. Well, I’ve got magazines to read, and naps to take. I’ll see y’all tomorrow. —–]]>