I’ve been waking earlier and earlier the last few weeks, because it’s getting light earlier, and I sleep about three feet from a window, and the brightness wakes me up. (For some reason, I’m recalling Christmas at Fred’s mom’s house, when Fred’s nephew said "The days have been gettin’ short or somethin’. I don’t know why…" in all seriousness, and it was all I could do not to laugh in his face)

Anyway, I woke around 5:30 this morning, and dozed on and off with the help of a cuddlesome Miz Poo until Fred left for work a little after 6:00. I decided to get up and get my exercising for the day done and over with, so went into the bathroom to pop in my contacts. As usual, I rinsed the lens for my right eye with saline solution, and popped it in.

It felt like there was battery acid in my eye.

"OWWWW!" I howled and reeled blindly around the bathroom, trying to steady my hand long enough to get the lens off my eyeball. I finally managed to get it off and stood there, blinking and swearing. Loudly. Loudly swearing, that is, since I’ve not mastered the art of blinking loudly.

I looked at my right eye up close and personal in my handheld mirror and saw that it was bright red. I washed my hands again, this time rinsing them extra well, and flushed the contact with saline, peering closely to make sure there were no cat hairs on it’s surface. There were none, and so I tried the contact again.


"What the FUCK?!" I yelled, reeling blindly again. "What the fucking FUCK? Fuckin’ A, Jesus Christ, WHAT THE FUCK?!" Skilled with the words, I am.

"This saline solution has GONE BAD!" I informed myself, picked up the bottle of saline, and tossed it in the trash. I got out a fresh bottle of saline, flushed the contact, and tried it again.

"FUUUUUUUUUCK!" I bellowed. "FUCKETY FUCK!" I literally ran around in a tight circle, clutching my eyeball and swearing like a pissed-off, drunk sailor.

I decided to give up on the right contact for the moment and took the left out of the case. Flushed it with saline and popped it in my left eye.


I stomped my feet and took the contact out, feeling my blood pressure rise. Tossing the two contacts in the toilet, I got my last pair of contacts out from under the sink and opened the left one. Flushed it with saline. Put it in my left eye.

"Owowowowowow," I whined, hand over my eye, and then stomped my foot in frustration.

So I gave up on the contacts, put them in fresh cleaning solution, put my glasses on, resisted the urge to go back to bed, and went into the kitchen to begin filling the 5 liters of water that would get me through the day (I pee roughly 65,936 times a day). As I stood there, I decided what I’d make for dinner tonight (baked chicken) and tried to remember what we’d had last night.

Oh yeah. Chili. With jalapenos. Jalapenos I’d chopped myself. Jalapenos which contain capsaicin, which – I think – is the main ingredient in pepper spray. Capsaicin, which – according to Karawynn – you can cut by using a salt and water paste on your hands when the choppin’ is done. Which I did. Which didn’t work.

Which I guess explains it.

Damn that Karawynn and her delicious chili recipe. It’s all her fault!