So, Gwyneth Paltrow is set to star in a movie called Shallow Hal, co-starring Jack Black. It’s a movie about a guy (Hal, I presume), who as a child made a deathbed promise to his father to only date beautiful women. Dear Gwyneth plays a 300 or 400 pound woman, whose inner beauty he falls in love with.

Well, duh. Of COURSE he falls in love with her inner beauty, because EVERYONE knows that fat women don’t have any of that OUTER beauty, for crying out loud.

When I first heard that Gwyneth would be donning a fat suit, I was a tad annoyed, but understood it. I hadn’t heard anything about the movie, but assumed it would be an INSPIRATIONAL STORY ABOUT A FAT WOMAN WHO LOST TEN TONS OF WEIGHT AND FOUND HERSELF AND THE LOVE OF HER LIFE or something of it’s ilk. I mean, it’s a lot easier to slap a fat suit on the stick-like Gwyneth, then rip it off after to show a skinny Gwyneth than to find a talented fat actress, shoot the fat scenes, and then take a year or two off while she lost the weight, right? I mean, Tom Hanks has major box office power, so the gimmick of taking a year off for him to lose weight isn’t something that would backfire. At least this way you know what the skinny Gwyneth looks like, because that’s how she really looks all along. Right?

But that’s not what they’re doing at all. No, this movie will actually be about Jack Black – who’s no skinny minnie himself, and usually looks like he could use a hot shower – only dating thin, gorgeous women. This movie is about how he has himself hypnotized so that he can only see the inner beauty of others, and this movie is about how lucky Gwyneth is because once he sees her inner Gwyneth, Jack Black falls in love with her.

And what movie will be, really, while it may or may not try to masquerade as AN INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT ONE MAN LOOKED PAST ONE WOMAN’S FACADE AND FELL IN LOVE WITH HER INNER BEAUTY, is a movie about how fucking funny fat people are. Gwyneth will waddle across the screen. Gwyneth will probably break a chair. Gwyneth will eat a lot of food, and she’ll eat it in front of other people, and she’ll eat constantly.

Hey! Wouldn’t it be REALLY FUNNY if Gwyneth and Jack were to have sex and she, like, SQUISHED him? Wouldn’t it be a gas if Gwyneth’s thighs rubbed together and started a little fire? Oh! Oh! Oh my god, and it would be SO HILARIOUS if she and Jack were on the bed and IT BROKE. God yes, better make sure that’s in the script!

And jeez, I hope Gwyneth’s got her dress picked out for next year’s Oscars, ’cause I’m sure this one will be a winner.