A Day in the Life of a Bitchypoo 4:29 am: Wake to hear Fancypants let out a long, mournful meow. Tense in anticipation that this is the first in a string of meows. Growl "You’d better not, you fucker" under your breath. Relax and fall asleep before you find out whether he plans to meow again. 5:49 am: Wake to find a blinding shaft of light glaring in your sleepy eyeballs. Said shaft of light is coming from the walk-in closet, where Fred is choosing his clothing for the workday. Today’s workwear: black cotton shorts and a green "Make 7" – "Up Yours" t-shirt. 5:53 am: Wake again to find Fred shaking you awake to say goodbye. Make sleepy conversation. Be reminded for the 15th time that Fred needs what he calls house shoes and the rest of the world calls slippers, because the tile floor is wreaking havoc on his knees. Assure Fred for the 15th time that you will look for slippers at Wal-Mart, assuming that the guys delivering the washer and dryer have come and gone at a reasonable (ie, before lunch) hour. 6:01 am: Roll out of bed and put contacts in eyes, get dressed in usual exercise outfit. Walk downstairs. Notice that Fred has left the kitchen light on for the second day in a row. Note that, much like a child, he never throws anything away or turns anything off. Make mental note to give him a hard time about it. 6:02 – 6:19 am: Sit in front of computer. Read emails, check usual web pages, check stats. Debate with self whether to skip exercising for the day. Decide to exercise, but only walk 2 miles instead of the usual 4. Pet Miz Poo. Glance repeatedly out window, which is not covered by mini blinds, for some odd reason, feeling exposed to the neighborhood. Send Fred an email, the subject of which is Three things: the content of which is 1. Don’t call to wake me up at 7; I’m already up. 2. Did you know that the kitchen light turns off as well as on? There’s a switch… 3. It is Spanky’s dearest wish to get into your bedroom. He has taken to sitting directly outside the door to your room, hoping that it will magically open all by itself and let him in. 6:20 – 8:00ish: Walk 4.2 miles, listening to Ace and TJ on the radio. Guffaw like an idiot when they suggest that Ace and the Tiger Man are related. Stop along the way to check out the yard sale a neighbor is having, and chat with neighbor. This neighbor used to work with Fred at his old company, and she has the cutest little dog (Maggie) who loses her mind when you stop to pet her. 8:00ish: Walk in the door to find that the phone is ringing. It’s Fred, informing you that the guys delivering the washer and dryer are on their way. So much for the "between 9 and 1" delivery time they promised last night. 8:00ish – 9:30ish: Surf and read/ return email while waiting for the delivery guys to show up. Notice that you desperately need a shower, but if you wander off to shower, no doubt that will be the very moment the delivery guys show up. 9:30ish: Delivery guys show up. Show where the washer and dryer will go and then go back to computer to stay out of the way. Read a Mimi Smartypants entry, and download WillowTalk at her suggestion. Use it to listen to her entry. Guffaw like an idiot when the program reads the line And I type really freaking fast, so step off, sucka. 9:45ish: Sign for delivery of washer and dryer. Answer phone when Fred calls. Wander upstairs, still talking to Fred, and admire washer and dryer. Decide that the new washer and dryer seem smaller than the old. Admire some more. Hang up the phone and go to shower. 9:45ish to 11:45: Shower. Get dressed. Wait for the empty wash cycle the delivery guy started (to clear out the pipes, he said) to finish. Start large load of laundry. Wander downstairs. Check email. Write scattered-sounding diet journal entry. Get up periodically whilst writing entry to do things around the house, throw trash away, look out back to see if any birds have discovered the new bird feeders, talk to Miz Poo, get bottle of water, look for gum, look for purse, answer phone and talk to Fred numerous times. 11:45: Drive to Wal-Mart, stopping at the post office on the way. Got a postcard from Athena. Admire postcard. Admire Athena’s handwriting. Seethe with jealousy that Athena is in such a beautiful place. Scheme to get her to take you along next time. Put postcard in purse and proceed to Wal-Mart. 11:55 – 12:45: Wander through Wal-Mart. Call Fred and tell him they have no slippers in his size. Reassure him that Land’s End will have some nice, comfy slippers for a decent price. Look for shoe rack. Look for phones. Debate on which phones to buy. Put phones back. Pick up other phones. Put other phones back and pick up the first phones you had. Dither. Decide and put cheapest phones in shopping cart. Check out book section. Pick up The Wind Done Gone. Put it back. Pick it up and read first page. Look at author photograph. Put it back. Take three steps away. Pick it back up. Read second page. Put in cart. Put back on shelf. Cart. Shelf. Cart. Shelf. Cart. Pick up and read random page. Put back on shelf. Back in cart. Shelf. Cart. Shelf. Cart. Be annoyed by self and leave book in cart. Standing in checkout line, eyeball chocolate covered gummy bears. Resist. Put in cart. Put back on shelf. Cart. Shelf. Cart. Shelf. Leave on shelf and check out. 12:45 – 1:05: Get lunch from Wendy’s (grilled chicken sandwich, side salad, biggie diet coke. Yum). Go home to eat it. Eat while reading The Blue Nowhere. Wonder if Jeffery Deaver is married. Wonder how much research he had to do to write book. Look at author photograph. Decide he looks very much like the grown-up Ernie from My Three Sons. Remember how you were going to marry Ernie when you grew up, but your crush ended when you discovered Donny Osmond. Wonder if Barry Livingston (Ernie) is married. 1:05 – 3:30: Surf, respond to email, fold and put away laundry and put more laundry in the wash. Talk to Miz Poo, pet Fancypants, point out birds to Miz Poo, who commences chattering and whipping her tail back and forth. 3:30ish: Receive email from reporter at Newsweek who wants to interview you about your experience with Pirate’s Booty, and asks that you email her your home number or call her at work. Wonder if it’s a joke. Decide it’s not (the email address IS a newsweek.com address, after all) and call her. 3:30ish – 3:40ish: Talk to reporter at Newsweek and manage to sound halfway (though barely) intelligent. Be distracted by the fact that the caller id is beeping incessantly, and there’s only one person who would be calling, and you’re married to him. Hang up with reporter and use caller id to call the phone Fred called from. It’s the paint store, and so you ask for Fred. Fred gets on the phone, you discuss paint issues, you tell him that you were ON THE PHONE WITH NEWSWEEK, and then you hang up the phone. 3:40ish – 4:22: Sit and be excited that maybe Newsweek will quote you. Wonder if they will. Decide they probably won’t. Email Moira to tell her the exciting news. Call Debbie and tell her the exciting news. 4:22 – 5:00ish: Surf, respond to email, wait for Fred to get home. 5:00ish: Help Fred cart in new purchases that he bought at Lowe’s. Wait for him to ask about details of Newsweek interview. He does not. 5:05: Discuss what you want for dinner. Order pizza. 5:05 – 5:40: Wait for pizza. Wait for Fred to ask about Newsweek interview. Give him a hard time when he doesn’t. Refuse to talk about it until he has asked 45 times. Give a brief overview. Listen to Fred be mock-annoyed that you didn’t spend the entire interview discussing the wonder that is Fred. 5:40 – 6:10: Pizza arrives. Eat, while reading The Blue Nowhere. 6:10 – 7:30: Go into library to finish unpacking boxes and put books and cds away. Finish library and feel a sense of accomplishment. Check email, do some surfing. 7:30 – 7:45: Accompany Fred to dumpster to get rid of trash you’ve accumulated in the past day of unpacking. Discuss that the house is really coming together, which you’ve said every day since Tuesday. 7:45 – 8:29: Come home. Sit in front of computer. Check email, surf, and write entry. 8:31: FTP entry up and send out notify.]]>