How to Change a Tire

Though it may look fairly difficult, changing a tire can be accomplished in a few simple steps. First and most important, you must be driving down a deserted, rarely-travelled road between the hours of midnight and three a.m. when your tire blows. Pull over to the side of the road and hit the steering wheel with your fist. Address the dashboard, as though that is where God is currently residing, asking questions such as "Why me, God?" and "Why now?" When the dashboard makes no reply, step out of the car. Slam the door as hard as you possibly can. Repeat this step until your arm starts to hurt.

Next, stalk indignantly to the flat tire. Eye it as though you are regarding a rare and contagious disease. Kick it, hard. When you bruise your foot, swear loudly. Once you are certain that the tire is truly flat, choose your favorite four-letter word. Say it. Repeat it at least ten times, making sure to say it louder with each repetition. Sigh heavily, giving in to the inevitable, and walk to the back of the car. Open the trunk and locate the jack. Walking back to the flat tire, place the jack underneath the correct bumper (if the flat tire is in the front of the car, place the jack underneath the front bumper, and vice versa). Take approximately half an hour to figure out how to operate the jack. When you finally figure it out, tell yourself what an idiot you are. Ask yourself why you bought this stupid car. Tell yourself that you are never going to drive anywhere again, ever, ever, ever. You are going to lock yourself in your apartment and become a soap opera addict. Make sure that you are operating the jack during this entire tirade. When the car is almost at the correct height (ie, the flat tire is almost off the ground), it will roll three or four feet down the road.

Pick up the jack and throw it down as hard as you possibly can. Repeat this step several times. Scream a few four letter words, making up a couple if need be. Perform the "flat tire dance." This consists of dancing around your car, waving your arms wildly about your head, and yelling every swear word you’ve ever heard. When you have exhausted yourself, take a deep breath and lean against the car. Prepare to repeat this entire sequence of steps.

At this time, a car will be speeding down the road in your direction. Jump up and down, waving your arms; at this point, you would welcome even the sight of Jeffrey Dahmer, dead or not. When the car does not stop, throw a major hissy fit. Scream at the top of your lungs, yelling to no one in particular about the assholes on the road these days.

When you are reasonably calm, reach inside the car and set the emergency brake, telling yourself again what an idiot you are. This time when the car is at the correct height, it will not roll. Breathe a sigh of relief, telling yourself that this really isn’t all that difficult. Get the spare tire and the lug nut wrench out of the trunk. Return to the flat tire and assure yourself that this will only take a few more minutes.

When the lug nut wrench does not fit the lug nuts on the tire (the lug nuts are too large for the wrench), punch the flat tire, then scream, sure that you have broken one finger and possibly two. If you have correctly executed this step, you should also have the added bonus of watching the car roll another three or four feet. Scream every four-letter word you know, as many times as you desire.

Grab your coat – it has begun to rain – and walk to the nearest payphone, which is a ten-mile walk up some very steep hills.

Call a tow truck.