order them online! How cool is that?! I ordered a selection of boxes to see which Fred’s book (which hasn’t been printed yet, but we know what size it will be) would fit in, because I’m apparently too dumb to notice that they had the dimensions listed under each box.

So, Fred got it into his head a few weeks ago that he wanted a kayak. And then he followed his usual m.o., which was to harass the living shit out of me until I finally screamed “Fine! Fine! GET A GODDAMN KAYAK, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!” As usual, he then decided he didn’t want one. Then he did. Then he didn’t. Did. Didn’t. Did. Didn’t. He made 45,000 trips to Dick’s Sporting Goods store to gaze moony-eyed over the kayaks, and talked incessantly about it. Is it any wonder that I drink? (Oh, wait. I don’t. But I oughta!) Finally, on Sunday, he bought the fucking thing. He brought it home and put it on the garage floor and sat in it and discussed every detail of it until my ears bled. Then, of course, he wanted to take it to the river and try it out. Since he’s never BEEN in a kayak before, I insisted that he take me along. Not that I’d be much help, but I figured I could always call 911 and report a drowning. (Oh, calm down. Of COURSE he has a life jacket.) So we went to the river, or some offshoot of the river or something like that, where there’s a boat ramp, and he put the kayak in the water and paddled around. He was doing pretty well, so after I watched him for a while and took a thousand pictures (many of which will decorate his journal entry, which will be up later. Here‘s a picture to tide you over until then.), I went back to the Jeep and read for an hour or so until he was ready to go. Naturally, when he got home from work yesterday afternoon, he wanted to go out in the kayak again. Now, this is a big deal because except for taking the spud to her Youth Group thing at church on Wednesday nights, we rarely leave the house on a weeknight. So I made dinner early, and we headed for the river. We got there, he got the kayak in the river, and I watched him for a few minutes. Once again, I headed for the Jeep and sat and read the book that I always keep in my purse for just such an occasion. We’d agreed that he could spend about an hour on the river, so it surprised me when he showed up back at the car after half an hour. He didn’t have a watch or any way to tell time, so he was surprised that it had only been half an hour. He put the kayak on top of the car and began cinching it down. My cell phone rang, and I answered it to find the spud on the other end. She wanted to know when we’d be home, and as I answered her, I glanced up. The parking lot we were parked in is surrounded by woods, and coming out of the trees I saw four dogs. As I continued talking to the spud, I got Fred’s attention and pointed toward the dogs. He glanced up and nodded, then went back to what he was doing. As the spud said something on the other end of the phone, I watched the dogs. They caught sight of us and started hauling ass in our direction. “Babe!” I said, loudly and sharply, pointing at them. I brought my hand down, hanging up the phone, and stared at the pack of dogs coming toward us. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve been so scared in my life. I thought I was going to lose control of my bowels. Fred saw the dogs running toward us, and – leaving the front driver-side door (the door across from me) wide open – ducked into the back seat and pulled the door to. The dogs reached the Jeep, and one of them stuck his head in the open door, sniffing. As I got ready to kick at him, the dogs circled the Jeep and ran back the way they’d come. Later, Fred said “You know I would have protected you if they’d tried to come in the open door and attack, right?” Suuuuure he would’ve. I had such an adrenalin rush that I shook for most of the half hour ride back home. The funniest thing is that the dogs had been down in the river chasing balls thrown by their owner – and the “pack” was made up of three black labs and a beagle. I was scared shitless by black labs and a beagle. Possibly the least vicious dogs in the dog kindom. I’m a badass motherfucker, that’s right.]]>