* * * I charged my cell phone yesterday, and when it was done charging I turned it on, to find that I had a voicemail message. I dialed in to listen to it. It was a long, rambling message left by a man who sounded, I don’t know, Indian? Maybe? But I could only understand about every third word the man said. I heard “tow truck driver”, I heard “sister”, I heard “Leroy’s” and I heard “call me back or” and a phone number. Now, I’m pretty sure that it’s a wrong number, because the guy was calling from the “404” area code, which is the Atlanta area. I’m 99.999% sure there’s no reason for a strange man to call and leave a message about my car or Leroy’s car or my sister or a tow truck. Another person might call the number the guy left to let him know he’d called the wrong number, but NOT ME, nosirree. You think I want to try to talk to the guy when I can’t understand what the hell he’s saying? Talking to someone I can’t understand always stresses me out, because I feel like such an idiot for not understanding. I can’t help it! It’s my stupid, ignorant, self-centered American ears that cannot understand the words coming out of your mouf!

* * *
I woke this morning to the sound of Fred standing in the closet laughing. Before I could ask what the hell he was laughing about, he walked across the room, into the bathroom, laughing the entire way. I finally got up and went into the bathroom. “I just thought of the most awesome children’s book title ever!” he announced before I could even ask what he was laughing about. “What?” “The Mysterious Mr. Boogers.” Now, that right there is some funny shit. I started laughing and although I went back to bed, every time I woke up for a few seconds I’d think of The Mysterious Mr. Boogers and laugh some more. We disagree what the plot of the book would be about, though. Fred thinks the mysterious Mr. Boogers would be a cat who would appear out of nowhere to comfort children when they were frightened. I, on the other hand, think the mysterious Mr. Boogers should, first of all, wear a cape. And he’d show up out of nowhere to solve crimes. Kind of like Sherlock Holmes. Spanky could be his dimwitted sidekick! Or, for that matter, Miz Poo could be his cranky and sassy sidekick. The possibilities are endless!
So very mysterious, that Mr. Boogers.
* * *
I fail to see how this could possibly be comfortable.