published aw-thor!
Anyway, the book came out a few days ago. Because I am bone idle, instead of going to the store and having to look for it, I ordered it through Amazon. Yesterday, it came!
It was very cool to look through a book and see my name, I’ll tell you that.
Miz Poo is clearly impressed. Also, just laying near the book makes her look thinner! Buy a copy of Tales from the Scale and YOU, too, can look ounces thinner!
I wrote that! I even came up with the chapter title, and giggled at my own wit, which I am sure is the very definition of lame.
The chapter Nance isn’t allowed to read. In fact, none of you are allowed to read it. Did I really write a chapter about my sex life? Eek! What was I thinking? ::blush::
I happen to be in the middle of reading a book already, so once I finish that, I’m going to sit down and read Tales from the Scale from cover to cover.
I can’t wait. Hell, maybe I’ll throw caution to the wind and read Tales from the Scale BEFORE I finish the other book. That’s me, living life on the edge!
* * *
So, every week or so I reindex the search engine for this site so that if you’re looking for something you’ve read recently you’ll be able to find it. And when I set up the reindexing, I like to check and see what y’all have been searching for.
To the person who searched on
fat fuckin slob yesterday: I don’t ever use the word “fuckin”. I either spell it “fucking” or “fuckin'”. I’ve also never used the phrase “Fat fucking slob”, either, so I’m not sure what you were looking for, but I hope you found it.
The most popular searches:
Cat pee cleaner,
cat odor,
carpet odor cleaner: It’s called Axi-dent, and you can get it
here. I promise, one of these days I’m going to put a link to that in the sidebar, or do a “recommended” page so y’all don’t have to do a search.
living will: Actually, I didn’t use the phrase “living will”; I used “advance directive”, and that entry is
here.
camera,
camera model,
digital camera: It’s a
Sony DSC-V1, and I LOVE IT. The only thing that pisses me off is that when I’m using the flash, it hesitates before it takes the picture, and I’ve lost a large number of awesome pictures due to the hesitation.
beef jerkey: I bet you were searching on the beef jerky I raved about back in January, weren’t you? It’s
Jack Links Beef Nuggets, and I actually bought a couple of packages of the Beef Nuggets on Monday at Target. That stuff is like CRACK, and after polishing off two packages in as many days, I’ve decided that’s the sort of thing we really can’t have around the house. Damn that stuff is good, though. I’ve never tried the teriyaki flavor, though – just the original beef steak nuggets.
chickpea: The recipe is
here.
* * *
The spud actually WENT OUT AND DROVE BY HERSELF last night. First, she drove to the school and back with Fred in the passenger’s seat. Then she dropped Fred off at home, and drove to the school and home again by herself. Fred got so worried and antsy that he went out and started driving toward the school to make sure she hadn’t gotten into an accident.
She made it there and home again just fine, though. Which is good, because tonight she’s going to drive herself to church and home again. I wouldn’t put it past Fred to drive to the church and follow her home, though. He’s such a nervous nellie.
* * *
I stumbled across
defective yeti yesterday – I think I was on
Jan‘s page, and checked out her links; defective yeti was at the top, and I clicked on the link. That was all she wrote – I spent the afternoon reading through his archives.
Some of the conversations he has with his wife sound EXACTLY like conversations Fred and I would have:
Vital Signs,
Rock the Poot,
Constructive Criticism,
Gotcha, and I’m pretty sure we’ve had the exact same conversation as the one in
Locke Jaw.
Awesome blog – check it out!
* * *
The saga of why we don’t currently have a VCR in the living room:
1. Buy JVC DVD/ VHS player/ recorder.
2. Exchange non-functioning DVD/ VHS player/ recorder.
3. Two weeks of functioning DVD/ VHS player/ recorder.
4. DVD/ VHS player/ recorder stops functioning, with Netflix DVD inside. We cannot get it out without breaking it.
5. Fred calls JVC to see what the hell we’re supposed to do. They instruct him to send the DVD/ VHS player/ recorder to a certain address in Lawrenceville, GA. They are adamant that the instruction book and remote must be enclosed with the machine.
6. Receive JVC DVD/ VHS player/ recorder in timely manner. Take out of box to set up, and realize there’s no instruction book OR remote control enclosed.
7. Fred calls customer service. Customer service woman is confused. “You asked them to send the remote and instruction book back, and they didn’t?” Fred says “No, we didn’t specifically instruct them to return the remote and instruction book. WE ASSUMED THEY WOULD.” Customer service lady says she’ll send our request for remote and instruction book along to the pertinent people.
8. Box arrives Monday afternoon, return address JVC in Lawrenceville, GA. I leave it on Fred’s desk. He puts it on the floor and we ignore it.
9. Yesterday, I suggest that Fred set up the DVD/ VHS player/ recorder. He hands me the box and tells me to dig out the remote. I open the box to find it crammed with styrofoam peanuts, WHICH ARE THE WORK OF SATAN. At the bottom of the box? The instruction book. Not included in the box? The remote control. The invoice in the box lists the remote. Which is not in the box. “I don’t fucking believe this,” I inform Fred. Fred puts the invoice by his wallet so that he’ll remember to call JVC customer service, which is open from, like, 11:58 to 12:01 on even days.
10. Today, he calls customer service. They inform him that the remote and instruction book were scheduled to be mailed out in separate shipments. “You could save a lot of money by not shipping out a huge box of styrofoam peanuts and an instruction book, and instead send the remote in the same box,” Fred says to the customer service lady. Who does not care.
11. The remote is supposed to arrive today. I’ll believe that when I see it.
Later today I’m supposed to stop by the dealership to have the remote entry fob programmed and handed over. I fully expect that my car will explode spectacularly in the midst of the programming and I’ll catch on fire and run screaming around the parking lot.
But if things go right (which I expect they won’t), I’ll never have to see Salesguy ever again in my entire life. Which will be too damn soon.
* * *
“Look. I don’t
have opposable thumbs like you do. How else am I supposed to clean it?”
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