11/14/05 – The Downfall of Senator Stanley J. Boogerton

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, your presence at this news conference is greatly appreciated. The Senator will make a short speech, and then there will be a ten minute question-and-answer period. Please try not to drag it out, folks. The Senator has a meeting this afternoon he can’t possibly miss. Without further delay, I present to you the next President of the United States of America, Stanley J. Boogerton!” (Applause) “Thank you, Miss Pootstein. Members of the press, thank you for attending today. As you may have already guessed, I’d like to discuss the new initiative I’m putting before Congress right now. Although sponsoring the No Kitten Left Behind Initiative has taken time away from my campaign, I think it’s vitally important to the young people of our nation, and a mentally stronger, more educated youth can only be a boon to our future. I believe you all received the detailed package describing every element of this new initiative, is that correct, Miss Pootstein?” “Sir, that’s correct, every reporter has a copy of the initiative.” “Excellent. Now, I assume you’ve all had a moment to look through the packets. Are there questions?” “Senator, Spot J. And3rson from the Washington Journal. I’d like to ask if you’d like to respond to the allegations made by a young African-American kitten earlier today.” “I… allegations? I’m sorry, no one has informed me of any allegations made by anyone. Miss Pootstein, do you know what he’s talking about?” “Sir, I have no idea.” “Senator, a young African-American kitten named Thomas J. Cullen has alleged that you acted inappropriately with him on several occasions.” “Mr. And3rson, is it? I’ve heard nothing of any allegations, and I think that you bringing up these supposed “allegations” when I’m trying to focus the attention on a very important initiative is outrageous.” “ABsolutely outrageous!.” “OutRAGEous, I say!” “So you’re saying that you deny the allegations, Senator?” “Absolutely I do! I categorically deny any inappropriate behavior with ANY child. I VEHEMENTLY deny it!” “I have pictures in my possession, Senator. Pictures given to me by Thomas J. Cullen’s mother personally. Take a look at these.” “Mr. And3rson, I can state without a doubt that those pictures are complete and utter fakes! This press conference is over. Miss Pootstein, please join me in the other room.” “YOU TOLD ME THOSE PICTURES HAD BEEN DESTROYED! We paid a ton of money, she gave us the roll of film, and you were supposed to see that the roll was destroyed!” “Sir, I swear to god, I don’t know what happened! They were supposed to be destroyed immediately, by shredding first and then by fire!” “Well, who the hell did you task with destroying the film?” “I… oh my god!” :gasp: “NOOOOOOOOOO!” “What? Who? WHO DID YOU HAVE DO IT?” “Your half brother, Spanky G. Pyle!” “WHAT?” “Sir, I’m SO SORRY! I thought for sure it was such an easy task even HE couldn’t mess it up!” “Pootstein, do you KNOW what you’ve done? This is the absolute end of my career, and they’re going to toss me in jail!” “Sir, I…” “Get away from me, woman. I never want to see your face again!” “Pyle! SPANKY G. PYLE, where are you?!” “Hrm?” “Spanky, what the HELL have you done?! What did you do with that roll of film I gave you to destroy?!” “Destroy? You wanted me to destroy that?” “Yes, DESTROY! What did you do with it?!” “Oh… Well, I made copies and sent them back to the lady you wanted me to send the money to. Is that bad?” “Pyle, if I were you, I’d pack my bags and run for the hills. Boogerton is going to have a hit man kill you slowly and painfully.” (Spanky G. Pyle, on the run) Two hours later “Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, Senator Stanley J. Boogerton would like to announce that he is withdrawing from the Presidential race due to an illness in the family. He requests that you give he and his family time and space to deal with this for now. Thankyou, goodnight, I’m sorry there’ll be no questions.”

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Previously 2004: No entry. 2003: So I’m not reporting that. At all. Never happened! 2002: Riley’s response? “Nuh uh!” 2001: Dr. Phil looked at me judgmentally, and I began to babble. 2000: And I don’t even like cherry Poptarts! 1999: Fred has agreed to let me adopt the kitten! ]]>