no idea why that is. I just thought y’all would like to know. Had I won the Powerball jackpot last week, Horseshit Alley would be on it’s way to being built. Naturally, my parents and Fred’s parents would highly disapprove, which only adds to the allure. Unfortunately, I didn’t win the lottery, but it’s nice to daydream about it. If I’d won the lottery, I’d start out (after paying taxes, of course) by giving $1 million each to my sister, parents, and grandmother – after consulting with a tax attorney on how exactly to do that so they wouldn’t have to pay taxes on it. Then I’d convince Fred that we should give $1 million to his parents (each set), sister, and pay to have his grandmother moved to her own home with around-the-clock staff. Then I’d put aside enough money so that the spud, Brian, Chris, and Fred’s niece and nephew – Crystal and Logan – could go to any Ivy-league school they wanted, if they could get in, that is. I would not, however, create trust funds for them, because I believe you have to make your way in this world (or marry a really smart man)(just kidding!), and not expect to have your life paid for by your parents. Some of the most obnoxious people in the world are trust fund babies, and I’m not going to be responsible for inflicting more of them upon the world. My next step would be to write a will. Naturally, I’d leave everything to Fred, but if we were to die together or he predeceased me (it’s a word!) I’d leave the majority to the spud, with large amounts going to others in the family. Now, here’s the important stuff, because money makes people do crazy, crazy things. I’d add a codicil to the will stating that if I die under circumstances in the slightest bit suspicious, all the money goes to charity. Of course, the Menendez brothers thought they had a foolproof plan, so you never can tell. Wait, how’d I get so far afield? Actually, the first, the very first thing I’d do after claiming the lottery prize money (hopefully keeping it hush-hush) would be to swing by Fred’s office and watch him do his "Take this company and shove it" dance on the conference room table. Then, after spreading money between family and friends, I’d hire an awesome architect to design and build the home of my (our) dreams, complete with lots and lots of land, an olympic size pool, and two or three guest cottages on the grounds so y’all could come visit. Oh, and I’d hire a landscaper to come make my grounds pretty with tons of daffodils and lilies and rose bushes. Hey, maybe I could hire Beth to be my landscaper! Of course, I’d buy a yellow Mustang, because it’s my dream car, and whatever vehicle Fred wanted, and then probably a Durango, ’cause we need a family-type vehicle. And then, because I couldn’t just sit around and count my money every day, I’d open a cat store and go around to the Humane Society every month or so, and adopt as many cats and kittens as my store would hold, and I’d keep them until people adopted them and took them home to loving homes. ‘Cause, you know, I am the Crazy Cat Lady, and this way I could feed my kitty jones. Aren’t you glad I have it all figured out just in case? Fred just got off the phone after talking to a customer service rep at BellSouth, and he was not impressed. We have three phone lines, the main one which we use, and two others for our computers. Since we got a cable modem and don’t need the lines, he called to have them cancelled. Well, the Bellsouth chick found one of the other two lines, but couldn’t find the other line, and was just going to leave it at that and hang up. Fred said "So, because of your shoddy recordkeeping, you can’t cancel the second line, and I have to continue paying for it?" I couldn’t hear what the rep was saying, but it appeared that she was backpedalling rapidly. Finally, he asked to speak to her supervisor, and she transferred him, where he sat on hold for 10 minutes. While listening to the same song over and over, it occurred to him that we could use our computers to call the cell phone, which has caller id, and we could figure the phone numbers out that way. Which we did, and Fred hung up, called BellSouth again, and managed to get the same rep, lucky him. When he got off the phone, he called her a not-very-nice name, but from what I could tell, she deserved it. So, I’ve received email after email, and the consensus is that a large number of people keep the address labels and use them, while not sending money to the people who made the address labels. It was what I suspected, but I was glad to have the cold, hard facts to present to Fred. Thanks for emailling, y’all! —–]]>
05/17/2000