Okay, I like Madonna. I, personally, thought she was cuter back when she was all Material Girl in the ridiculous clothes, before she became scarily super-toned and in shape and started to take herself too seriously. Also, the faux-British accent gets on my nerves. But anyway, I like her. I think it’s cool that she’d had a career that’s spanned centuries and is still going strong. You go, girl! But. But. Good christ, the leotard.

I cannot STAND the leotard. She’s wearing the freakin’ leotard EVERYWHERE. I imagine the booking agents at the talk shows are having a cow: “Yes, we’d like to book Madonna – okay, okay, MADGE. We’d like to book MADGE on Letterman for the 15th. To sing and interview, that’s correct. She’ll be the first guest. Oh, and please, for the love of all that is holy can she leave the leotard at home? Because she’s worn the fucking thing so many times it’s got to be fraying in the ass. She’s in fabulous shape, WE GET THE IDEA, please. PLEASE. No more leotard!” I don’t know if she’s wearing it with the attitude of “BOO-YAH, bitches! You said I was a has-been ten seconds after Holiday broke, and I am still HERE, and look at my fine ass in this tight overworn leotard, and I have more money than you could count in a million years, so BITE IT!”, or if it’s more “Look, you fat cow on that couch in Alabama, get OFF your ass and do sixteen hours of yoga a day and eat 1 bean – and on the wild days a scoop of protein powder directly into your mouth – and YOU can look like this too! Come on sister, get moving!” Anyway, Madonna’s cool, but I’d like to see the leotard go directly into the trash. Unless maybe it’s a magic leotard and the source of all her powers? Also, the 70s ‘do. I’m not diggin’ it, Madge.
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A couple of days ago I was flipping through the guide for the WE channel, and came across Secret Lives of Women because I – perhaps you didn’t know this? – am a woman, and if there are lots of women out there having secret lives, perhaps this is something I need to get in on? Do I need a secret life? What kind of secret life do I need? Where would I find said secret life?, I set up to tape a couple of these Secret Lives of Women episodes, specifically the Late in Life Lesbians and Sex Trade episodes. They seemed like a good place to start, you know? (No, I am sad to say, I am not a Late in Life Lesbian. I am not a lesbian, period. I’m not nearly cool enough.) So yesterday I sat down and watched the Late in Life Lesbian episode while I cross-stitched, and it was pretty good. It featured three different women who’d been married and had kids, and came to the realization – usually in their thirties, now that I think about it – that they were gay. They all had partners, and one of the women – Jocelyn – had a partner who was a retired Marine. For the entire show, Jocelyn’s partner’s face was blurred because, you see, if it came out that she was a lesbian, her VA benefits would be at risk. Which pisses me off, really. I mean, I know if it comes out that you’re gay while you’re in the military you can be discharged, but they can TAKE AWAY YOUR BENEFITS, the benefits you’re given because you served your country, if they find out you’re gay. Seriously? That is fucking ridiculous. Anyway, I think they called her “Ellen”, and they always had her in shadow, or if they showed her with Jocelyn and Jocelyn’s daughters, they had her face blurred out. And then at the end, they showed “Ellen” standing in the foreground in her camoflauge uniform with her head down so you couldn’t see her face, and in the background were Jocelyn and her daughters, and then “Ellen” raised her head, and she said “I’m a lesbian,” took her hat off and finished “And I’m not hiding anymore.” Oh, the TEARS, how they FLOWED, because it just got me right there, y’know? I think that Secret Lives of Women might be my brand new addiction.
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Brudderly love. “What the -? What are you -? NO, don’t TOUCH MY TAIL. I don’t CARE if it looks so soft and fluffy you’ve just gotta touch it! Good god, that’s MY TAIL! Don’t you know that you don’t TOUCH a man’s TAIL without asking first? JESUS!” I was trying to get a picture of how Miz Poo, when she sits on my lap, just HAS to put her paw on my boob, but I ended up with this one instead. She looks all cross-eyed, and I like how you can see her little row o’ teeth.
All uploaded pictures for today are here.
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Previously 2005: “Life’s too fucking short to read books that suck.” 2004: Damn you, DVR! I WANT to love you, but you’re toying with my emotions! 2003: No entry. 2002: No entry. 2001: No entry. 2000: I’m not sure what effect, if any, it had on her.]]>